No more church. He stopped believing. Mom’s suicide. Dad leaving them. Billy’s death. A sister who gave up on God as well and turned to whoring. All of it led to his decision to curse a higher power. God’s will be done, he said. God’s will, indeed.

Often at night, John sat on the swing, going back and forth slowly and viewed the front yard. He remembered the five of them playing tag or kickball. Kids coming over after school played tackle football; broken arms, and bruises. Boys cursed like their daddies did at the television on Sunday afternoons in the fall. One team of boys called themselves the Bears, whereas the other was the Vikings. They never chose to be Packers. Too much hate in their blood for that.

John thought of the simple times. Before Billy’s death. After that, there were no more games of tag or kickball. The Bears and Vikings stopped playing on autumn days after school. No one officially stopped these games. It was unspoken. The farm was hallowed ground where Billy was lifted up into the heavens. That’s what mom believed. Silently, she instilled that notion in them.

And John did not buy it. He didn’t buy it as a kid or as a young man. He broke up with God like a drunk breaking up with a woman. He yelled at God. Told the Holy Ghost to go find somebody else. He said to Jesus, Leave me be.

All this was kept quiet. A storm brewed inside. No emotion was shown. After his brother’s funeral, he cried alone. During his mother’s, he laughed. He laughed so hard he cried. No screams. Just laughter. It was as if the book of truth had been opened to him; you live, you die. Ashes to ashes. There was no spirit. Not to John.

Although John never spoke of his anger and atheism, Eddie read his soul. There, he saw nothing. Nothing good. Just an angry young man who gave up. Stopped living. And once you reach that point, Eddie thought, it’s hard to come back to where the pastures are green and the Lord tends to his flock.

To be alone in this world is painful, Eddie told John once. But then again, he said to his kid brother, You already know that.