after leaving home i found nothing…searched all over…Chicago…Cleveland…Philadelphia…parts of Vermont in the fall when the colors were in full…streets of Montreal amongst drag queens…junkies…schizophrenic hookers in search of a drink to help save their souls…Boston…Pittsburgh…St. Louis…all over…just wandering ’round North America in search of what…what…some kind of truth about life…something good for the soul…and no matter where i looked…i could not find it…

maybe i lost myself long ago…in the land of make believe…a kid who dreamed of being famous…a football player…baseball star pitcher standing on the mound at Tiger Stadium…an actor accepting an Oscar…speeches in front of mirrors…in front of mirrors…some thngs never change…

as i drove ‘cross country in an old Dodge…the journey through the land of make believe continued…talking to myself…an on-going interview…asking me the tough questions about a number of topics…love…things i hate…is there a heaven…was my childhood happy…marrriages…affairs…was i sorry for anything…any action i committed…what was it like to be hospitalized over 30 times for mental health issues…for mental health issues…that was the tough question…that was the tough one…
and the constant thought of wanting to kill myself…always on my mind…always…like a great recipe your mom gave you long ago…memorized…a plan plotted..always plotting…

in high school i was in and out of psyche wards…the same in my 20’s and 30’s as well…but…the big year came at 42…that was the year i was hospitalized 7 times…St. Louis…Pittsburgh…Iowa City…New Haven, CT. …New York City…both at Presbyterian Hospital…and the big house…Bellevue…where every crazy person in New York eventually shows up…12th floor…West Wing…drugs given out like candy at Halloween to kids dressed in scary costumes…kicking and screaming…foaming at the mouth…delusional…

and then there was me…