the medallion…poem 7

i remember it was lit well with flourescent lights…the light seemed blue…i wanted it to be blue…but it was not…a dingy yellow was above us all…in the hallways where all the crazies walked up and down…some yelling out at their mothers who had done them harm…fathers that had beaten them in childhood senselessly…screaming out at the man in the street who had raped and pillaged them…taken what little they had…and for what…’cause they felt they could…

and i walked among them…crazier than 10 whores on crack…mixed in with the rest of the insane…and what was my insanity…what was it caused by…a mother…a father…countless lovers…ex-wives…mad rantings i had…mad rantings…going on and on through out the day of wanting nothing more than to kill myself…wanting to be done with all of it…cars…houses…beds that were warm and cozy…wanted nothing to do with any of it…yet i did at the same time….a wanting of nothing more than to live in a constant state of chaos…good ol’ fashioned chaos…that was the order in my life…

it was chaos…everyday was chaos..needing to wash clothes and not wanting to do the task was chaos…the brushing of teeth at night before sleep was chaos…the simple tying of shoe laces was complete chaos…it was the easy things i hated and would not stand for…and in the end…all of life is easy…

yes there are hardships…there is pain…there is suffereing…there is woe…that i could deal with…but it was the easy tasks that drove me mad…like how to get along with others in the workplace…how to avoid being consumed with guilt and wanting to break away from the Christian traditions of being kind and courteous to people…i was courteous and kind…but to a fault…if i had $2 on me and i was walking down the street and a guy asked for a buck i would give it to him…leaving me with only $1 always in my pocket…never to gain any more…always giving it away at the drop of a hat…and then telling them to be blessed and have a nice day…

yes this was my insanity…taking Christianity too far…but…can one ever take the teachings of Christ too far…it was the constant struggle between being good and bad…i was the brothers Karamazov all in one…i was good…i was evil…i was indifferent…maybe i was just human…maybe i was just human…

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