dmseay

what is this about…some kind of question and answer session…’bout what…this guy says this…that guy says that…hard to tell whose telling the truth anymore…all these hints and allegations…think you know me…think again…my whole life could be one big lie…a giant falsehood…just story after story made up…and for what…for what…in order to impress you…make you think I’m something I’m not…this is how I operate…I come in…I do a song and dance…I entertain you…and make you feel like everything is OK…as if you wanna spend time with me…get to know me…all for what…for what…a pitch…a sale…some promises made…then broken…and you look at me with those emerald eyes of yours…bewildered…unable to believe what you see…in the flesh…what am I some kind of angel come down from above to create wonderment in your life…an everlasting joy…guess again…guess again…I got this rosary from a monk in the Bronx…simple…wooden beads…a cross on the end of it with a figure of our lord and savior…what does it mean…some kind of device that you can pray to God on…a symbolic gesture…does it give you peace…understanding…does it…or is it just another lie…something to put your faith into…this is the point I’m making…we put our faith in everything but truth…me…him…the lady down the street…her kids who stay up all night looking at stars and wondering if there is any repercussions to our sins…wondering if they’re paid for…if Christ’s sacrifice was enough…was it…and all I want from you is this…just a belief…a simple belief that comes with self-confidence…a knowing…a knowing…call me crazy…this rambling on…but I’ll say it again…think you know me…think you know me…my friend…we don’t know anything…just the here and now…was earth built in six days…possibly…did an ark save people from a flood…maybe…am I here to offer you the deal of a lifetime…absolutely not…there’ll be more guys coming along way after I’m gone…so consider the possibilities…think about what could be…basically I offer nothing…always have…you need insurance…everybody needs insurance…shelter…food…a buck…here’s what it gets down to…and I want you to think about it…do you have a dollar you can spare…do you…just enough for a cup of coffee…how ’bout a smoke…something…something…I’ll give you my soul…

the apartment was pitch black…no running water…bills had been skipped…a cat in the corner made noise all night long…howling in darkness…wanting for food an’ water…a cup of kindness was out of the question….no matter how loud she meowed…nothin’ was comin’ her way…

an’ a portable radio played jazz from ‘cross the river…in the night-time when skies were clear you could hear Trane…Miles…others comin’ over the Mississippi at 2 or 3 in the mornin’ as cigarette smoke rolled out from under her doorway…a whiskey voice sayin’…,shiiiiit….shiiiit….where i put my loosies….where i put my loosies…,coins in a can for a few more tomorrow…an’ the next day…an’ the next day….there was always another day…..

strange phone calls could be heard at all hours…., I do it for $50…that’s right…$50 an’ I’ll give you whatever it is you need…whatever it is you want….,she’d coo…., naw I come to you…I come to you….you mobile…we do it in your car…that cool with me…cool with me….,an’ ten minutes later the door would shut…the knob would turn ….an’ the cat would meow….

out into night…down to the corner to be picked-up by an SUV…a mini-van…an old Volvo falling down an’ down an’ down ….slummin’ in South St. Louis…, you got rubbers…no glove no love…,she’d tell the boys from the burbs who’d come into town for a little strange…somethin’ the wife wouldn’t dish -up….secrets…these secrets…a life-time kept in secrets…

an’ by the door that cat would wait….,meow…meow…meow…., goodnight kitty….goodnight…..til tomorrow…

what time did she leave tonight…

I don’t know…guess ’round eight or so…yeah…that’s right…’cause Family Feud had just ended…some coloured family jumpin’ up and down after winnin’ a bunch of money…they took the whole tamale…that one boy got all the number one answers…

so she left ’round eight…

yeah…it might’ve been a little past seven though…was watchin’ Wheel Of Fortune with that fella from the Air Force doin’ real well til he went bankrupt…that was a shame…

she tell ya where she was goin’…

didn’t say a word…didn’t think anything of it…she never talks…hard to get two words out of her…she was all gussied up though…had on red lipstick…powder…pretty dress…like she was headin’ to a dance or somethin’…

you don’t know where your daughter was goin’…

no…’fraid not…she looked like one of those magazine covers though…her hair was done up real nice…

you know the boy that picked her up…

Calvin…everybody knows Calvin…works up at the NAPA store…he’s a sweetheart…can be a bit headstrong at times…tellin’ her what to do…

yeah…I ‘magine so…boys’ll do that…

she’s never been gone this long ‘fore…two days…she missed her shift at the Piggly Wiggly…said she didn’t even call in…you can get fired for that…

and she hasn’t called here…

nope…I been real worried…that’s why I called you…haven’t heard from her…

we’ll look into it ma’am…we’ll look into it…

hope nothin’s happened to her…

how well you know this Calvin boy…

they been datin’ for awhile…little bit…like I said…he can be headstrong…he bought her a ring but she gave it back to him early on in the courtship…said he wanted her in the worst of ways…she said she’d let him know when the time was right…that was some months ago…said she wanted to do things proper…have a weddin’ out in Vegas maybe…or down at the courthouse…I don’t know…crazy kids…you don’t think they went and got hitched do you…

stranger things have happened…stranger things have happened…

She used to stay awake all night…thinkin’ ’bout things…like when she’d be kissed again…held onto…talked to and told stories…wild adventure stories…tales that made her think twice ’bout the man layin’ next to her on cool summer nights with the streetlight shinin’ down on alley cats screamin’ out in high pitch tones…she thought ’bout that alright…she thought ’bout that…

Their love affair ended years ago…done when she said she’d had enough…enough of his lyin’…drinkin’…cheatin’ ways…He’d go out at night just like them alley cats and soak up the darkness…his body became a sponge for rum and Coke…bottles of Bud…cheap shots of whiskey…he’d be found ‘cross town in his pick-up truck with the radio on…key in the ignition…snorin’ away as the mornin’ sun came up…purple skies…

And all those years of worryin’ ’bout him…not like her first love who’d stay all night next to her…talkin’ to her in sweet tones like music…he left like they all do…when a man’s had enough…he just moves on…one way or another…either they leave physically or spiritually…some take off ‘cross America while others just slip into a bottle never to return…if she could just find one good man…one good man…

So she started lookin’ for that man…some man she could tolerate…put up with…she had dreams of him fixin’ things ’round the house…takin’ her to the grocery store and the beauty parlor for her to get all fixed up on Fridays so when night came they’d hit the town…only to come back home where they’d make love til the wee mornin’ hours…that was her dream…

Went out lookin’ for that man…in bars…churches…took out ads in these on-line dating sites…givin’ her biography and proclaimin’ that she would not tolerate no drunken behavior…no more lies…no more cheatin’ ever again…

She got no response…none at all…,these men…,she said…,they just want one thing…and so do I…, she said with a laugh…,so do I…

she’s out there…an old spirit in a new body…walkin’ amongst poor and naked in the streets…woven into the fabric of america at midnight where speed freaks and spice men seek salvation in a city gone mad…

walkin’ into darkness where men sold their souls years ago for a buck…for a buck…loose ends tied up from ‘fore…the children of Manhattan screamin’ in the streets for her return…not seen in years…centuries gone by…tempted in gardens and city parks by snakes and rats speakin’ in tongues…askin’ her questions ’bout her father and the holy spirit…while rain pours down it’s magic…

were you there when she walked the streets of Gotham ‘fore…when junkies and whores called out her name…Hosanna…Hosanna…

daughter of God forgive me for I have sinned against you…stolen and cheated…lied to hundreds and now you return for what…for what…to bring us home…home…

we march from Washington Square to Central Park past riches of gold and money to burn in Columbus Circle…past your people feeding pigeons on paths while horse drawn carriages carry kings and queens of Wall Street…soon they’ll bow down to you too…just as i do…just as i do…

queen of queens…daughter of man…giving nourishment to drunks over at St. Mary’s…showing love where there was no love…no love at all…

and to you we are thankful…we never saw her comin’…

There’s the train whistle…,he said…,every mornin’ ’round this time while the moon is still up in the sky that thing comes through…,he lit a Camel and took a swig of coffee…offered one to his son-in-law sittin’ in the pickup truck with him…he shook his head and the train whistled again…,that train just comes through town…it never stops…,he rolled down his window and blew smoke out into the cool night air…,just rolls through…never stops…

And it was true…trains never stopped there in Delphi…they just slowed down a little bit…enough for men from other towns ‘cross the nation to jump out of boxcars and roll down the hill to the bottom…nothin’ on ’em but a few shirts…pants and maybe a change of underwear…some carried their belongings in book bags while others simply tied off plastic grocery sacks…the train kept rattlin’ through town…pickin’ up speed as if it knew the bums had already made their landing…men sat down on the river bank waitin’ for the sun…waitin’ for the sun…they plotted their next move…

Some would head down town and check in at the mission while others would look for day labor temp places to sign up for work…stay a week and hop a train again once they had a few dollars in their pockets…blacks…whites…Mexicans… all men tryin to make a buck somehow…workin’ odd jobs and panhandlin’ in the streets of Delphi…takin’ lunch money from kids at the skateboard park…an easy touch…tellin’ ’em stories of L.A. …New York…Chi-Town…a dollar here a dollar there…the train never stopped in Delphi…

The train whistled again as the two men in the pickup rolled up the windows and opened their doors…each carryin’ a small hand gun…locked and loaded…lookin’ for one man in particular…a big man who came through town a few years back…they say they always return to the scene of the crime…every mornin’ they’d go down to the river bank lookin’ for this big man with sandy blonde hair and a toothless smile…that’s how he was described to ’em…that’s what his daughter had said…now days she stayed at home balled up in a fetal position…scared to leave the house…momma would tend to her as best she could…but she just kept mumblin’ to herself about a man with sandy blonde hair fine as silk beatin’ her up real bad…she’d cry throughout the night…a silent cry…she’d never be the same…

And the father and the son-in-law would walk up and down the river lookin’ for this man…listenin’ to hear if there was any talk of him…no-one said a word…just shook their heads when they were asked ’bout him…just shook their heads…no-one had seen him or heard of him…it’s like he was a ghost…just some angry spirit who jumped off the train to commit a horrible act…a horrible act…they’d never catch him…the train never stopped in Delphi…

She complained of bein’ tired….always tired…too tired to do anything ‘cept lay ’round the house and complain…of bein’ tired…

Just one of those things I guess…ya get older ya get tired more…lose your energy…all that gumption ya had in your younger days is gone…things don’t matter so much anymore…ya let things slide…’least she did…

Begin to forget ’bout things as well…simple things like days of the week…is it a Sunday or a Saturday…mind plays tricks on ya…the only thing ya know for certain is the time…time…’cause the clock tells ya so…tells ya when it’s time for lunch…dinner…mornin’ coffee…the whole day revolves ’round food…all ya can think ’bout…all ya want…

I don’t blame her for bein’ tired…all that runnin’ ’round she used to do…she used to go out every night of the week…got dressed up…put on lipstick…eyeliner…she hasn’t worn makeup in years…no need to…, she says…I’m not goin’ anywhere…

What was it that night you came here…all cryin’ and upset…tellin’ me some man had broken your heart…,he motioned to the bartender to serve them some more drinks…placed his long arm around her…brushed blonde hair out of her eyes…

It was right here…you walked through that door…came over and sat right down ‘side me…like some kind of cat that had been left out in the rain…you remember that…, he took a swig of his Modelo…looked at her…took another drink…

I remember…,she said…,that was a long time ago…,lit up a Newport…placed the match in the ashtray…you took me in…made him go away…just by talkin’ you’d made him go away…as if it were a split second…always wanted to thank you for that…tell ya I was real appreciative of what you did that night…

Figured as much…how you been…

Been fine…Katey’s all grown up now…the boy will graduate in May…,she smiled…split between her two front teeth…

You ever think ’bout me…

Yeah…sometimes…think ’bout what we did that night…how you held me…wouldn’t let go of me…damn near broke my spine…

Shots…

I’ll do a shot with you…

Barkeep…two Cuervo’s…limes…salt…the fixins…,she laughed some more…she always laughed around him…

The bartender brought over the drinks and placed them on napkins in front of them…they clanked the shot glasses…smiled…licked their hands and drank ’em down…squeezin’ lime juice into their mouths…

That was to what we never had…

Awe…we had one night together…

Yep…one good night…

He heard her pull in the driveway…checked the clock…2:30 in the morning…,where has she been…,he thought…,always out running around…with somebody…with somebody…,he lit up a Marlboro and peeked through the blinds…it was dark out there, but he could make out another person in the passenger seat…some outline of another woman…a blue hue shined down on them from the light above the garage…he saw arms reached out the windows with a lit joint being passed back and forth between the two of them…car radio turned down low…it was Cyndi Lauper singing, True Colors, and these two women were singing along with her…made him wonder what the neighbors thought…saw a light come on next door…then it turned off…

Decided he would put on some hot water for tea…grabbed milk from the fridge and sugar in the pantry…waited for the kettle to whistle just like it did every morning when she got up…spoons clanking in cups…

Their little boy Bobby was down the hall…a middle school student who made science projects out of lighter fluid and baking soda…built little villages on plywood sheets in the basement with trains running through them…various stores and gas stations made up the small town…diners…pubs…streets lined with pine trees…and a city hall…just like the town they lived in…he heard movement coming from the kid’s room…heard the door open and saw a light come on in the bathroom…heard piss hitting water and the flush of the toilet…the boy went back to bed…

She was coming inside with that friend of her’s…he could make her out now…it was Peggy…tall leggy Peggy with the blonde hair and black boots…got down two other mugs from the kitchen cabinet and placed them there on the table next to his…,shhhh…,he heard her voice say…,be quiet…,both of them were laughing…laughing like stoned little school girls…maybe the way he used to laugh with her…way back…when they were first married…years fly by…voices become silent…she said hello and burst out laughing some more…, you want some tea…,he asked…looked at Peggy and nodded his head…,sure…I’ll have some tea…,his wife said in a deep voice to imitate him…Peggy smiled…,there’s sugar and milk…help yourselves…, he said,…,goodnight…

He listened to her speak…words comin’ from her mouth…some kind of foriegn language…he couldn’t make it out…maybe it was Spanish…some sort of form of Spanish like Catalan…or Castilian…maybe it was the old language of the Basque…he wasn’t sure…words just kept comin’ from her mouth as gentle winds blew upon the beach in the moonlight makin’ the sand swirl and the tide high…

She wasn’t lookin’ at him when she spoke…she was starin’ out at the stars…connectin’ the little dipper and the big dipper…outlinin’ ’em with her thumb…paintin’ pictures in mid-air…all while she was talkin’ this foriegn language…he wished he could understand her…the words were so beautiful…rollin’ right off her tongue…as waves danced ’round their feet…

He kept lookin’ at her…reminded him of a woman he knew in Paris some years ago…back ‘fore there was fighting in the streets…acts of terror…back ‘fore the cops sprayed protesters with pepper spray…back when you could speak your mind…

This woman he knew in Paris…she was a ghost…some beautiful poet who walked the streets of Montmartre at midnight speaking words as well…carryin’ a book by Rimbaud…movin’ her mouth but no-one could hear her speak but him…just him…speakin’ in French…language bouncin’ off old walls…a hollow sound…like an instrument…her voice was an instrument…and when she spoke it was like she was singin’…singin’ out for soldiers who’d lost their souls in wars past…nothin’s free…

So…he watched her sing to the stars…and thought of his Parisian ghost…he thought of her…stood there and thought of her…

Love does funny things to ya…