dmseay

he had these thoughts ’bout movin’ out West…New Mexico or Arizona…maybe Nevada…not as far as California…too many people…,he said…,and they got all them crazy ideas…one extreme to the other…no middle ground…,he just wanted to be alone…wanted to be away from big cities…small towns…the desert would do him fine…just a place to park the truck and sleep under stars…that’s all he wanted…

took a look at a map…’cided to just throw it away…too many colors and lines…numbers…got confused…thought he’d just go by road signs…West….South…80 and 69 didn’t mean anything to him….neither did toll roads…he kept to the highways…

wound up drivin’ all day into night…stopped at a diner in Joplin, Missouri…had catfish and mashed potatoes…sweet tea…said a prayer ‘fore his meal…he was in the Bible belt…

talked to the locals ’bout the road…old men who’d hitchhiked ‘cross America…landed in Joplin years ago…talked to truck drivers who pulled rigs from Joplin to Kansas City…Dallas…Denver…all the way out to the coast…they gave him advice on speed traps and small town set-ups…told him to take it easy out there…bought him pie and coffee…

and he drove ‘cross Kansas into the dark with his high beams on…out into the pitch black…the smell of alfalfa fillin’ his cab…windows down…heat lightnin’ stretchin’ in the sky…radio couldn’t pick up anything…just hummed songs as he drove into Colorado…old Tom Waits tunes…Springsteen…songs ’bout runnin’ away…just runnin’…

freedom was all he wanted…alone with his thoughts…felt he owed himself that….guess we all do…we all want a chance to breathe…some get it while others don’t….

he laid there in the back of his truck at a rest stop outside of Reno…no idea of where to go next…didn’t care…he was free…

there’s this wreath hangin’ on the wall…it’s a green circle with white ribbon wrapped ’round it…a big bow tied off at the top…it’s high up there…makes ya wonder how they got it so high…probably used a ladder on it…took it up there step by step…hangin’ onna nail…

below it on the mantle there’s an angel…old lookin’…dressed in gossamer with gold stars…a halo ’round its head…sits next to a candle…big red candle standin’ in the middle of fake ivy…a purple wall stands in back of ’em…like a wine color…some kinda Cabernet…

and in the corner stands an artificial Christmas tree…decorated…lights turned off…no packages underneath…just a gold apron…a star high up above on top…

Memorial Day will be comin’ soon….

will you look at this place…it’s a mess…dust everywhere…dirt…do you take your shoes off when you enter the apartment…there’s outlines of shoes in the dust…why don’t you vacuum the joint…clean it with some rags…do you like living this way…and what’s with all these orange peels…

they make the room smell nice…

they’re just old orange peels…cleaning the place would make it smell nice…you have no ambition…

no…

you don’t…not when it comes to cleaning…or anything else for that matter…you just exist…one day to the next…living in filth…

I’ve been depressed…sad…

you’re always depressed and sad…this is a travesty…a real travesty…I don’t know why I come here…

I know why…

and why is that…

to feel better ’bout yourself…to feel proud of your accomplishments…your’s compared to mine…or the lack thereof…you’re a real winner you are…

first thing in the morning I make my bed…like a soldier…I tuck in the corners…pull the sheets tight…make the pillow look presentable…your’s is a mess…marks on it from your mouth drooling in your sleep…sweat stains…the way you live…

I need you to go now…

why…

just do…

aren’t you ashamed…you are…aren’t you…living like a pig…a pig in filth…

bit harsh aren’t ya…

apparently not harsh enough…it was this way last month…and it’ll be this way next…

just go…

OK…but…I’ve got plans for you…

he was sittin’ over there in the corner chair…drinkin’ coffee…slurpin’ it loudly…speakin’ some kinda Tex Mex language…bits and pieces of English would stick out…mumblin’…really…it was incoherent…but I knew where he was comin’ from…

it was some kinda heartache…he’d point to the ceilin’…maybe he meant to tell the sky…I don’t know…but there’d be a shout every once in awhile…some kinda yell…like he was callin’ for a soul…a ghost to come and visit him…couldn’t help but notice…he had on this black leather vest with a white tee-shirt underneath…tattoos up and down his arms…one of ’em said Loco…inside of a red heart…had a green teardrop below his eye…

and I chose not to stare at him…real wiry…probably could’ve done some damage in a fight…all that black hair with a cowboy hat sittin’ on top of his head…every once in awhile he’d doze off…then he’d point to the ceilin’ and yell out again…waitresses didn’t know what to do…manager I think was scared of him…scared of this short Mexican with tattoos…I say he was short…shorter than me…

but there was this one little blonde kid that kept lookin’ at him…she’d point at him and laugh…giggle…momma tried to get her to stop…it was no use…he saw her pointin’…he saw her…didn’t do anything…just slurp his coffee…talk in Spanglish….or some kinda foriegn language…he didn’t do no harm…no sir…talked to no-one but himself…wonder if he was lonely…

after awhile he stood up and dusted himself off…ran his fingers over his thick moustache…and walked outta there in silence…just as quiet as you could be…didn’t tip his hat to no-one…just walked out…gone…

is that the man you’re lookin’ for…

it was a voice he heard outside…this loud talking by a man in need of something…a one sided conversation…who was he talking to…what did he want…few words could be made out…just this on-going chatter of sound…sometimes rapid like bullets…and at times slow and paced with deliberate ques…marking the conversation… a lot of, I will’s…,and, don’t rush me…,that stuck out…,I will and don’t rush me…

he turned off the lights in his room…could hear cars going by in the early morning hours…still dark outside…and this man still talking to someone…his voice getting clearer…,why don’t you come over…, the man said…,let’s talk this thing out…,then back to senseless dribble…incoherent…a semi put on it’s air brakes…the train rolled through town…he could feel his heart beat in his chest…telling him something…his heart was telling him something…

look…,the voice said…,I won’t hit you…I just want to talk…, that part was clear…he could hear that…then a door slammed and steps were heard coming up the stairs… loud banging steps as if Army boots were hitting the floors…moving quickly while the voice called out quietly to someone…,I miss you…I miss you…promise I’ll never hit you again…swear…,and then a door down the hall shut quietly…

he looked at the clock on the nightstand…it was three…three o’clock in the morning…and then there was no sound…no train…no cars…not a voice talking to someone…just silence…eerie silence…the kind that makes you wonder…was it all just a dream…

you want a roll or a biscuit with that chicken dinner…,the waitress asked…hand on hip…pouring coffee with the other…

a biscuit please…,the man seated next to him smiled…sucked on his Pepsi…shook his head…,should’ve asked for the roll…,he said…,much fluffier…better…homemade…,he adjusted his glasses and hat…

is that so…fluffier huh…

yeah…that biscuit is hard as a rock…you remember the name of that race car driver…

no…I dont…

the one that died while back…number 3…

Dale Earnhardt…

he snapped his fingers…,yep…that’s the one…couldn’t remember…yeah…should’ve got the roll…

OK…I’ll get the roll…,the man turned to the waitress and asked if he could switch that…she nodded yes and pulled up her top which showed more cleavage than she should…so she thought…

you work down here…

outta my apartment…

what’dya do…

I’m a writer…

what’dya write…

short stories…poems…

I gotta story for ya…

oh yeah…

I used to make a hundred grand a year…

now…

less than ten thousand…

yep…I make less than that…

but you’re doin’ what you love…

yes…yes…

that was before my accident…messed me up in the head…I don’t think so well…

sorry…

…so…you got the roll…

yes…I got the roll…

you were always talkin’…’bout doin’ things…’bout maybe havin’ a life…what most would call a life…complete with vacations to Disney World…or ownin’ a cottage up on the lake…sendin’ your kids to college…

things just didn’t work out now did they…kinda fell apart in the long run…I tried to make ends meet…just couldn’t hold it together…

how’d you try…

by gettin’ up every mornin and punchin’ the clock down at the factory…not buyin’ new stuff…always used…was never enough…wanted to yell out a thousand times that things weren’t workin’ but I didn’t…kept a cool head…thinkin’ things would work out…never did…

nothin’ was saved…nothin’…all them years of work with nothin’ to show for it…and now what…boy’s gonna wind up at the factory…girl’s gonna get married to some guy that’ll have a job to get by on…I wanted more…I wanted our family to go places…be educated…be proud…

you ain’t proud…we done all we could and you ain’t proud…bitter…

naw…just disappointed…

thinkin’ you could’ve done better…

…yep…maybe…don’t rightly know…I come from trash…shouldnt’ve thought I’d get much farther…

that’s a shame…an out and out shame…some people get all the breaks…we been lucky in other ways…ways people don’t see ‘less they look real close see…our kids are healthy…we don’t go to bed hungry…house is almost our’s…I don’t know what else you could want…

did’ya buy them lotto tickets…

…yep…

numbers I gave ya…

I did…

maybe our luck’ll..change…

maybe…

we win I’m gonna get a house by the lake…a two story one…real fancy with a cast iron gate…and a boat…real nice boat…go ridin’ in and watch the sunset…

yep…I hear ya…

what’dya want…

I don’t know…don’t think ’bout winnin’…

never…

never…

maybe that’s the problem…we’re cursed…’cause you don’t think in the positive…that describes our whole life…well…probably won’t win tonight…you cursed the tickets…

right…

I’ll get ’em my own damn self from now on…

you do that…

will…cursed…we’re damn well cursed…

People move-on…,that’s what he told her…,They just get tired one day…say they’ve had enough…and just move-on…,the old man lit up a Viceroy and ordered another shot and beer…,That’s the truth…you can’t always count on people to stick around…we’re constantly exploring other options…you ever explored other options…,he blew out white smoke…a hazy gray cloud drifted above…

I’ve explored some…just some…,the young blonde said…drinking a rum and Coke with a red and white straw sticking out high above the pint glass…

Some…maybe a little bit…,they both laughed…he felt the roughness from missing a day of shaving…,The question is…where do you go now…what’re you gonna do…you’ve just been given a new shot of freedom…

It’s scary…never been alone…,she said…,Went straight from mom and dad’s to being with him…and now I’m alone…single…I don’t even know how to approach a man anymore…,she tilted her head down…moved the straw to the side and drank from the glass…

You approached me…a complete stranger…told me all about your life…

You’re different…older…feels safe with you…like you’re not tryin’ anything…a good listener…that’s what you are…a good listener…can’t afford a therapist…

Is that what I am…,he laughed…,I used to listen to my wife all the time as we got older…when I was young…I didn’t…would go off on wild tangents…be gone for days…come back home all hungover and filthy…she’d take me back…always did…til one day I came home and she wasn’t there…came home broke…wasted all my money at a casino up in Windsor…that’s over the bridge from Detroit…Canada…well…came back to Kalamazoo and she was gone…took me a couple of days to figure that out…but yeah…she was gone…believe me…everybody has their fill…

So what happened…

Took off to find her…she was over at her mother’s house in Grand Rapids…I had a lot of explaining to do…but she came back…yes she did…

That’s good…

Yes…yes it was…she passed away three years ago…I know what lonelyness means…it was time for her to leave…

did you kill him…

nope…

you were alone with him for days out there in the woods and the thought never crossed your mind…

uh huh…

I know you thought about it…some deep dark act of violence against him…you carry a gun…

got one stashed…

think about shootin’ him…put a bullet right into his heart…maybe in his fool head…I don’t know…or a knife…stab him to death…force the blade right into his gut and twist it ’round…what kept you from it…

don’t rightly know…

doesn’t he desrve to die…

couldn’t tell ya…I’m not God…can’t judge a man…

can’t judge a man…can’t judge…that’s all we do here is judge…we judge each other…everyday…people decide between right and wrong…we know when someone has cheated…lied…swindled us…this man is guilty I’m tellin’ you…

whatdya want me to do ’bout it…

kill him…you get angry enough at a man you can kill him…you’re just not angry enough at him…what kind of a man are you…he took somethin’ that belonged to us…us…you and me…

well then you kill him…

I might have to…might have to…some night when it’s dark out…just a sliver of the moon left in the sky…that’s when I’ll think about it…can’t depend on you to do the job…get him alone out there in the woods…maybe knock him in the head with a log…bash his brains in…or maybe put poison in his drink at night when we’re sittin’ ’round the fire…

you know what’s best…

damn right I do…do you love me…really deeply love me…

yep…I do…

I love you too…don’t you want him out of the picture once and for all…

scared…

of what…

get caught…

not if we do it right…no-one would ever know…he’d just be gone one day…people would suspect he left town…moved away…got on some train and never came back…he’s a nothin’…nobody cares…see us on the streets they walk right by us…we might as well be ghosts in this town…this country…

hear ya…

there’s rules to livin’ on the streets…stealin’ is unforgiveable…

what if I just beat him up real bad…made him know what he did was wrong…

he knows what he did was wrong…now he has to pay…

yep…we all pay one day don’t we…

sure do…you ever killed a man…said…you ever killed a man…

nope…you…

naw…but I would…I would…

don’t go writin’ no check that your ass can’t cash…prison is a long time…a long time…

know…I know…

once you go in you don’t come out…

that’s what they say…three hots and a cot…

ain’t that simple…prison life’s harder than bein’ out here on these streets…think ’bout that…

I will…I will…so you’re not gonna kill him…

‘fraid not…

alright then…you know what they say…want somethin’ done right…

you gotta do it yourself…

She stood there in the doorway…waitin’ on him to bring the luggage up from the bedroom that she had packed the night before…old leather suitcases…golden brown…with airplane tags on ’em…Dallas…Houston…Little Rock…Joplin…different cities they’d been to over the course of time…vacations…Christmas…relatives…any excuse to get out of town…it didn’t take much…

You got everything…,he asked…,where’s your purse…,she pointed to it over on the couch next to the pillows his mom had stitched for ’em years ago when they first got married…pictures of mountains and animals on ’em…she hated the way they looked…never told him…just acted as though she was grateful…thankful for the thought…it was her first birthday gift from the mother-n-law…his dad kind of snickered when she opened ’em up…he knew…always knew…same way he knew she didn’t care for the home made clock that hung on their living room wall he’d made for ’em…stained a pine color…with big numbers and hands…his other kids liked his clocks…why didn’t she…

He went over and picked up the black purse and gave it to her…told her to place it ’round her shoulder…sure as the world she’d lose it…he told her…just make sure you hang on to it…she smiled…so he placed the suitcases in the back of the station wagon next to the ice chest that was filled with sandwiches…cans of orange and cream sodas…celery sticks and cottage cheese…she was watchin’ her weight…always watchin’ her weight…and bags of chips and snack items next to the cooler in a big sack marked Kroger’s from the grocery store downtown…he reached in and grabbed a handful of Gold Fish…she spanked him on the wrist…

And just like that they were gone…pulled out of the driveway and headed over to 69 South…taken ’em to cities like Fort Wayne… Indianapolis…movin ‘ over to 55 to take ’em through St. Louis on their way to Joplin on old 66…she was talkin’ a mile a minute ’bout old times…’bout the kids that’d grown up…last time they were in Joplin…last time they’d made this trip…how green everything looked…heat waves comin’ off the road…he just drove with his hearing aids turned off…nodded his head every once in awhile…

They pulled over to have dinner at this rest area on the way…stretch their legs…he lit up a cigarette and she shook her head…said…,Those things will be the death of you…,he blew out smoke and took another drag…one of his annoying habits…

For the last hour of the trip she didn’t say a word…she knew what was comin’…a whole week with people she didn’t care for…his people…sisters…brothers…and parents askin’ stupid questions ’bout the clock he’d built and the pillows she’d stitched…but…she would endure it…that’s what you do…she thought…and she’d give everybody a big fake hug and a big fake kiss…tell ’em it was good to see ’em…and wonder…wonder what’d it been like if she never married him…she’d think ’bout that for a little while…only for a little while…only for a little while…