dmseay

remember the Seine…taking that covered boat through Paris with all those people snapping pictures…protected from February’s rains…protected…

no wine was drunk…coffee after coffee after coffee…maybe that was our problem…no chances taken…nothing foolish…God i want foolishness…

Paris should not’ve been clean…nor we…it does not suit lovers…nor poets…grime is needed…what romance is in perfection…

to go back to Paris now…without you…a clown uncleansed…taking risks…making love in cemeteries…breaking glasses in bars with the salt of the earth…prophets…con-men…whores and thieves…to breath again…again…

remember the Seine…taking that covered boat through Paris with all those people snapping pictures…protected from February’s rains…protected…

neither do i…

letters sent from far away…sealed with lipstick and lilac…poetry placed on page…for you…for you…

midnight messages from two souls longing to kiss…hearts on the line…fears tossed aside…what have we to lose…

monthly clandestine meetings in New York…D.C. …a pumpkin patch under harvest moon…until next time is whispered…next time…i’ll never tell…

an affair for life…a friendship felt in the gut where it matters… an ear open…always listening…always…

we should spend time laughing…loving…dancing the fool’s waltz into each season…it is only life…

i shall wait…

for it is love we want…

and nothing less…

in closets she would find me…hidden away…secret place…

written letters opened…never sent…censored…

accusations of impurities…constant fear…

fear of what…

of her…him…them…they…nothing…a fear of nothing….just…fear…

she confessed to me of a childhood trauma…made her what she was…scared…hiding behind any thing…all things…

she told you this…

she did…and these things are passed-on…these afflictions…these fears…

yes…

has to stop…

yes…

it is time…

walking-away…

away…

yes…

why…

principles…principles…not sound…never was…this …

what…

was needed…

needed…

yes needed…you got a better solution…something that works…put it  on the table…go-ahead…placed before me…I’m open minded…

really…

yes…show me the goods…’cause right now…nothing…this is what we have…nothing…

I know…

nothing…this choice was made..it is not easy…is not…

I get that…

do you…the point of…

yes…

by walking away from this…

don’t…just don’t…

show-me something…anything…please…convince me…

of…

being in this…this thing which has become…

what…

I don’t know…

right…yes…

so…

just go…

go back…look again at this body…this work…reassess and reassess again and again and again…from a different perspective…new mind…374 pieces to go…

clean and clean and clean…get to the bone…dig-out fat…marrow…so good yet lousy at the same damn time…make your point please…

cut and cut and cut…process of elimination…leaving only a bare soul… exposed…naked…brutal…beautiful…horrific… angelic…much is there…

this song has begun…shall we waltz…

throwing-up on the page is easy…it’s the cleansing that’s hard…

it was never your intention to swallow me whole…taking all of me…nothing left…the soul wanders…

another fancy…this will pass too…perhaps thought…though i cannot…will not…the heart has been invested…

for love was made…never hurried…nor rushed…listening took place ‘tween two…how rare…yes…how rare…

calls could be placed into the darkened night…you would be heard…a voice i long-for…

oh speak…please…there is nothing to lose…

overheard you say you have trouble sleeping…

yes…

a fellow your size…could be sleep apnea…get one of those machines that makes you look like an elephant…

uh…

dad wears one…mom hates it…

let me ask you a question…

sure…

how old are you…

28…

right…listen…

if you don’t know the play…what’s at stake…keep your mouth shut…yes…right…

look…

how did that benefit either one of us…you think I’ve not been told this before…perhaps by a doctor…a professional…somone who brings something to the table…one who knows how to assess a situation…a person…

I was just…

one-upping me…trying to impress the waitress I was talkin’ to…and for what…for what…are you that insecure…are you that worried…

I’m going to leave now…this is offensive…

yes…yes…do that…go play with the other kids…

i have been in Arkansas..Tennessee..Indiana..Ohio..Pennsylvania..Texas..California..Colorado..Minnesota..Paris..New York..Vermont..Illinois..Michigan..D.C. ..Virginia..West Virginia..Florida..Georgia..Arizona..Quebec..Ontario..Maine..Massachusetts..Maryland..the outer reaches of Hell..St. Thomas..Nebraska..Kansas…Missouri..Psych-wards…churches…taverns…temples..all over…

without maps…directions…no globe…nor Atlas…nothing…just movement…always moving…

to what…another chance…always another chance…even when chances were slim…

the constant search for faith..love…shelter..a soul mate..peace…

and this is what eludes us…a peace…found in jesus..Buddha…the teachings of St. Thomas…grains of sand turned upside down…a child’s birthday…not much is required…

so we say goodbyes…bus tickets bought…book-bags stuffed…leaving yet again…and probably again…

looking for nothing more than a voice…this barely audible voice that wants to yell-out…

HELP…HELP…

yet help will not be found…cannot be found…because all was searched…backtracked…gone- over..time and time again…

..never within…never within…

walking paths of Central Park in November… Coltrane blows notes among nature in reds…golds…and browns…i am at peace…

leaves change…do people…do people…moving air with calloused hands as i stride…pushing-down…away…self-doubt…rage…hate…it is gone…took so long…too long…

on an autumn day…streaming sun touching…face aglow…shhh…a wholeness has begun…come with me…

packages of new this November…new warmth in chilled-air… new friendship with an old friend…to start…not again…just start…

appreciating the moment…nothing for granted…we have so little time…

yes…soon winter will call…

if you seek-out normalcy…a solid career path on this commerce paved super-highway called America…then don’t write…

a want of security…toast-n-honey at midnight in a breakfast nook after making love to a wife while kids sleep down the hall in a safe and stable home…then don’t write…

cars that get good gas mileage in the city and highway…a Sunday suit to wear at church…eternal optimism now and forever…an ability to ignore the fall of Rome…then don’t write…

Mike Ramirez once told me in a Chicago bar with pictures of Joyce and Beckett on the walls…,David…you won’t write anything ever worth a shit ’til you’ve suffered…

man was he right…