dmseay

you were gonna say somethin’…

no…

cat got your tongue…

I got nothin’ to say…

well…say what’s on your mind…

what mind…haven’t had a mind in years…

you’re a smart woman…tell me what you’re thinkin’…

no…see…I don’t think much…

all those magazines I got ya…you ain’t got nothin’ to say…them books you read…got shelves of ’em…surely you’re onto somethin’…

I’m just wonderin’…nothin’ inparticular…lettin’ my brain drift…

lettin’ your brain drift…

uh huh…

what if I was to tell you I don’t believe you…think you’re plottin’ somethin’…lookin’ to end this thing that’s been botherin’ ya…

what thing would that be…

you tell me…lettin’ your brain drift…driftin’ right down the road…goin’ somewhere…takin’ your soul with it…

I’m not goin’ anywhere…can’t…

why’s that…

stuck in my ways…routines…

but you wanna go somewhere don’t ya…wanna leave this place…leave me behind…see…I’m a mind reader…I know what you’re thinkin’…and it worries me…I’m gonna wake up some mornin’ and you’re gonna be gone…just like some bird who flew from an old cage…

oh…just roll over…get some sleep…

you’ll be here in the mornin’…

I’ll be here in the mornin’…

I wouldn’t blame ya if you left…this town’s gotta get to ya…I’m sure you always wanted somethin’ more…kids are grown…you ain’t got no more responsibilities…I can take care of myself…

do you even know where the fryin’ pan is…huh…I didn’t think so…you’d wind up burnin’ this house down…no…my place is here…it’s here…

if I was dead would ya leave…

till death do we part…till death do we part…I’m keepin’ my end of the deal…

I see…

good night…

good night…

he took shots of tequila…two…three…four at a time…just stood there downin’ ’em at the kitchen sink…kept pourin’ Cuervo Especial…shook his head with each drop that went down his throat…pretty soon he got rid of the shot glass and just drank straight from the bottle…he’d place his thick lips on the top and chug away…as if it were water…didn’t bother with a lime or salt…took it straight…like he was punishin’ himself…maybe he was…

had a dead-end job at the fillin’ station…sat there night after night waitin’ to get robbed…got plenty of overtime…nobody wanted the job…took every shift he could get his hands on…did various tasks throughout the night…stock shelves…make coffee…make his hourly drop into the lock-box down below…had to keep his register at a certain amount…in ten years of workin’ there he’d only been robbed three times…all at gun point…somethin’ made him hold onto that job…somethin’…

maybe he was too lazy to go out and find another job…perhaps he was completely satisfied with the status quo…makin’ just a little more than minimum wage…all the free slushies he could drink though…he’d mix ’em with vodka and take breath mints throughout the night…’case his boss happened to wander in…

switched over to coffee just ‘fore morn…used lots of cream and sugar…he’d go through three pots before Sunrise…helped himself to a couple of Krispy Kreme’s as well…half drunk became a full sugar rush ‘fore he knew it…the things he’d do to get through the night…

but now he stood there at the sink downin’ shots of tequila…a forty year old man whose body had taken a beating…lived off of naps…never could get a full eight hours of sleep…spent his days drinkin’ and playin’ video games while Buck Owens played in the background…this was his life…

he’d had other jobs in the past…a college degree in History…at one time he taught high school…but he couldn’t stick with that…same way he couldn’t stick to marriage…it all looked good on paper…but it wasn’t him…he had a different agenda…pretty much just wanted to be kept alone…liked bein’ all by himself…’least that’s what he said…what he told his wife…she understood…said she’d expected it all along…knew she could never make him happy…why even try…

his true love was the bottle…more than anything in the world he loved the bottle…vodka…tequila…gin…whiskey…didn’t matter…he consumed all spirits…he was fully possessed…and that’s all that mattered to him…all he ever wanted…kept away from love…warmth of the human touch…just bottles of dreams…bottles of dreams…sometimes that’s all some people ever need…that’s what he figured…

you’re sweating…

it’s hot…

not that hot…

hot enough to sweat…

or maybe you’re nervous ’bout something…something you’re worried ’bout…a late bill…a late girlfriend…some car that never starts on que…you have these worries…

not particularly…

anxious ’bout the current political situation…maybe your job’s on the line…could be one of a million things…you sure do sweat a lot…the old sayin’…you sweat like a whore in church…is that the case with you…sweatin’ like a whore in church…

I have no reason to be anxious…worried…

it’s just pourin’ out of ya…do you have a handkerchief on ya…cowboys carry those red handkerchiefs on ’em…then ‘gain fags used to carry ’em in their back pockets too…some kinda case of show and tell…like havin’ your ear pierced or somethin’…don’t mean anything these days I guess…

it’s hot in here…

I’m cool as a cucumber…but I don’t have any kind of neurosis…you gotta neurosis…somethin’ that plagues ya…

I’m as normal as normal can be…

well you sure are sweatin’…your clothes are soaked…your forehead’s drippin’…and you’re not worried ’bout anything…

no…just simply hot…

could’ve fooled me…wanna glass of water…nice cool water…won’t help your psychosis but it’ll cool ya down…

I don’t have a psychosis…just hot…o.k. …

o.k. …you say so…it’s o.k. to talk ’bout it ya know…

there’s nothin’ to talk ’bout…

like a whore in church…just like a whore in church…

do you mind…do you mind…

just sayin’…

I am not a whore in church…

o.k. …

I’m just simply hot…

well it’s a hot night isn’t it…if you say it’s hot then it’s hot…I mean that’s what you say…

yes…

o.k. …o.k. …

this dark room…lit by a cellphone casting off the color blue on the ceiling…he lay there in bed unable to sleep…can’t stop thinkin’…his mind’s racin’…images of the old man in the hospital bed ‘fore he died…his children lined-up to wish him well…sayin’ things like…,you’re goin’ to a better place…we’ll be o.k. …mom’s waitin’ on ya…,words whispered while a heart monitor beeps and the Sun shines through a thick hospital window…

the scene keeps him awake…doesn’t feel one way or ‘nother ’bout his pop’s death…just keeps thinkin’ ’bout that Christmas afternoon in a room knowin’ that this would be the last time he’d see the old man alive…wishin’ he’d be able to hear his voice one more time…but he was gone…the soul had already checked-out…

so he picks up a tablet and a pen to write a poem…a final letter to the old man…reaches over to turn-on a lamp…but it won’t come-on…he’s stuck there in the dark thinkin’ ’bout his dad and he can’t see the page in front of him…just the small blue hue cast above…

he places the note pad and pen back on the nightstand and rolls over…closes his eyes…starts countin’ backwards till he falls asleep…the thoughts are gone…the old man is gone…no dreams…only sleep…

awakened by thunder the next morn…a storm rollin’ into town…his mind goes back to the old man…he picks up the paper and pen and begins to write…painting a scene of his family ’round the father for one last time…all of ’em sayin’ we’ll see you in Heaven dad…all but him…he’s just sayin’ goodbye…

they left town headin’ East on 30…goin’ towards Ohio…had plans to wind up on the coast…wanted to go to New York City…see somethin’ big for a change…a different scene…

had no money to speak of…slept in the Chevy on the side of the road…rest areas…lush green hills of Pennsylvania…missed deer by inches…heavy fog rolled into valleys makin’ it hard on ’em…but the two were determined…they’d get there one way or another…

and she was a real pretty girl…got voted homecoming queen…nice and friendly too…nobody knew what she saw in him…a roughian…tattooed up with long greasy hair…had a beer belly too…no-one could quite figure it out…

the girl had plans when she got to New York…the tall blonde wanted to be a dancer…she’d taken classes back home when she was just a kid…always dreamed of bein’ some high kickin’ Rockette…saw ’em on TV years ago in Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade…said right then…,I wanna be one of them…

heard they got to New York and she left him…got tired of bein’ broke all the time…never did become a dancer…spent her days and nights lookin’ for somethin’ magical to take place…somethin’ that would transcend her…take her over to the other side…

we’re all lookin’ to go over to the other side…anywhere but where we’re at…that’s all she wanted…just somethin’ better…wanted Heaven here on earth…that’s what she wanted…

that’s what I heard…

I think he was born like that…no matter what environment you put him in he would’ve wound up the same way…always takin’ off at a moment’s notice…no stickin’ ’round for consequences…guess it gets down to not havin’ any discipline…just the way he was…

and he never had any money…always askin’ if you’d buy him a Coke…or…could he borrow a ten spot till payday…whenever that would come…couldn’t hold onto a job to save his life…holes all in his resume…keep a job for a month or two and quit…or get fired…

but the guy was real charming…could talk to ya ’bout anything…real well read…spent his days in the library readin’ books and newspapers from open to close…knew everything ’bout politics…arts…read the obituaries all the time…could tell ya the exact date someone famous died…when they were born too…he knew it all…

guess he’ll come back ’round one of these days…took off to California…maybe Idaho…could’ve been Oregon…hell…he’s been everywhere…everywhere…

and accomplished absolutely nothin’…ain’t that a shame…to be that smart and broke all the time…it’s just not very American…

she hid from him…he’d go out lookin’ for her…old bars they’d go to on Friday nights…Mexican restaurants where she’d drink margaritas with friends…hotel parking lots…never could find her…

he never gave up…drove over to the next county…sometimes ‘cross the state line…hours spent drivin’ ’round tryin’ to see what she was up to…always thought the worst…some other man in the picture…

nights when she came home there was a sweet smell ’bout her…put on extra perfume to hide somethin’…the scent of a lover…he was sure of this…couldn’t prove it…you sense these things…

she always said she had to work late…that’s when his journeys began…lookin’ for her…playin’ hide and go seek…couldn’t find her Dodge anywhere…looked everywhere but where she said she was…a concocted story can drive you crazy…

one night he got really mad…jealous…drunk and hell raisin’…called six times and there was no answer…got in his truck and drove past places they used to go to in high school…back roads…city parks…went down to the lake…started yellin’ out her name…there was no response…just an echo of his voice ‘cross the water…nobody heard him…just some fool yellin’ out a name…

that was the night she left…

what did she want…he could never figure it out…brought her home flowers once a week…bought necklaces…rings…paid for a brand new tattoo…said she wanted a dragon…breathed fire over her shoulder-blade…

he respected her wishes…stayed faithful to her…never strayed off the beaten path…took to bein’ a good husband…a provider…all that stuff the Bible tells ya to be…wanted nothin’ but the best for her…tried his damndest…

one night he realized he could never make her happy…no matter how many gifts he gave her…how faithful he was…it just didn’t matter…she wanted somethin’ else…that’s what he thought…never talked ’bout it…he could just sense it…he could tell…whatever magic he once had was now gone…

so he started off walkin’…left one afternoon when the Sun was at it’s highest point…packed a small bag…couple of pairs of jeans…some tee-shirts…threw it over his shoulder and closed the door behind him while she lay in bed taking her afternoon nap…didn’t even leave a letter behind…came to the conclusion she knew what was comin’…what she wanted…

and he walked down to the highway and clung to the side of the road…didn’t bother hitchen’…wanted to be alone…away from people…cars and trucks would pass him by…kickin’ up wind…he just wanted to be alone…

headed East into Texarkana…walked along the back roads of Arkansas not really knowin’ where he was headin’ to…just knew he was gettin’ farther and farther away from her…and with each mile the pain went away a little more till eventually he stopped thinkin’ ’bout her all together…stopped thinkin’ ’bout tryin’ to please her…couldn’t please her…wished her the best as he stood at a bar in Little Rock…just stood there talkin’ to himself ’bout old times…people kept away from him…some dusty old man offered to buy him a beer…sensed the heartache…he said no thanks…decided it was best to move on…

the moon shone down on him as he walked from one end of town to the other…found refuge under an overpass…used his bag for a pillow…covered himself in his jacket…dreamed that night…dreamed ’bout bein’ alone in the solitude of nothin’…no car…no house…no belongings…just a man alone in the world…with nothin to his name…he dreamt ’bout the beauty of that…the solace of nothin’…

it was dark and he lay in bed wondering whether or not to turn the light on…kept thinkin’ ’bout Sarah…a woman he’d made love to years ago when he lived in Northern Virginia…’round Leesburg…she was a local…he’d just moved there from Chicago…left a wife behind…never took off the ring…

they used to meet every night at this small pub…drinkin’ margaritas and shots of tequila while they played pool and flirted wildly with each other…she’d kiss him and smack his ass when he bent over to aim up a shot…his focus was never up to par…

and they’d go drivin’ fast ‘cross back roads…dust kickin’ up…deer runnin’ in front of ’em…purple nights…pullin’ over to make out in the back seat of his Dodge…like two high school kids…they couldn’t keep their hands off each other…didn’t want to…

one night he told her he loved her…the thick hipped blonde stopped kissin’ him immediately…said…,you ought not to talk like that…not ‘less you mean it…,he assured her of it…grabbed her long hair and kissed her even harder…she didn’t say a word…

next night Sarah didn’t show up at the pub…didn’t answer his calls…knocked on her door…never opened…all communication had been cut off…he knew what he’d done…don’t ever tell ’em you love ’em…not ‘less you mean it…

it was dark and he lay in bed wondering whether or not to turn the light on…

used to walk along railroad tracks when I was a kid…right in the middle of ’em…no fear…just walked…like I had a purpose…see where they led to…see where I’d wind up…

would hike under overhanging trees…pure green in the Summer time…golds and reds in the Fall…counted railroad ties as I kept goin’…get up to a hundred and quit…kept on walking…talkin’ to myself the whole time…singin’ songs I’d heard on A.M. radio…old songs from when my daddy was a kid…Chubby Checker…Fats Domino…some Buddy Holly…no one was ’round to hear me…no one was ever ’round to hear me…

always got as far as the other side of town…end up on some back road where I’d take a look ’round and start headin’ back…headin’ back to supper and chores…a night time bath…handmedown pajamas…and dreams…dreams of takin’ that railroad track as far as it’d go…out to California…or maybe New York City…somewhere…

dreams never come true…they never come true…