dmseay

these travels…journeys across and back across….from state to state…stopping only to breath…to share a drink….loaves…fishes…

spreading what…stories…tales of this broad in Lancaster…loves lost…new love discovered…she left too soon…I didn’t leave soon enough…

always with a soundtrack playing in my ears…a cure for pain..a love supreme…walking the razor’s edge…in search of…in search of… me…

looking at my soul with the third eye hovering above on a Greyhound en route to the Frisco Bay…a Basque dance in Boise…Dixieland blowin’ in New Orleans…a piled-high-pastrami at 2nd Avenue…the spirit craves more…

here’s to never being satisfied…for not settling…the search…the search…the search….

to constantly question…always asking…when many stopped long ago….

after four days he remembered his medicine….tiny lids marked Sun.
Mon..Tue..Wed…revealed red and blue and yellow pills in white bins with a pink B-12 vitamin added for good measure…

what day is it?, he asked; a Pepsi in one hand…a rubbing of the eyes with the other, What day is it?, again…repeating himself…

it’s Thursday pop…Thursday…

ohhhh…I guess I better catch-up, opening all previous compartments…

dad….what’re you doing dad…

what time does Kelly and Michael come-on?, a mumbled mouthful took a swig…

I don’t know dad…and it’s not Kelly and Michael anymore…how many pills did you take?, walking towards him..turning on the TV…

I don’t know….what happened to the black guy?, another drink as evidence revealed a catch-up game…

dad…you’ve got too many..
don’t take all those..

there, he smiled, all caught-up….
whose the new black guy?

I don’t know pop…I don’t know…

those backroads led us everywhere…in the dark…in search of gravel paths…parking lots…Amish farmlands for sins to take place…

were we driving north or south on Highway 8…or was it east…maybe west…just tryin’ to get back home…

and we stopped at a train track with locomotives running like old ghosts…banshees….with a hundred big-rigs behind us…trying to get a glimpse of your nakedness…your beauty…

kisses as rains fell hard on windows…pulls on ears…bites on the arm…and a car driving itself…back to a home of milk and honey…and wine while music played and played and played….

clothes left in a living room…a kitchen…a front seat…found in the morning…before a new sunrise…

I still smell her….God…what a night…

always waiting for doors to open…their doors….mine…anticipation of what’s on the other side…

love is never there…not on a couch…a car seat…a bed…a table folded for carrying purposes…always looking for the next deal…

and cash….what is cash but an opening to conversation…the constant question…how much?…never a wavering voice..
you either got it or you don’t…

the feeding of needs…of desires…from speed bumps to pock marks…to jaundice skin and humps on shoulders…what’s behind the curtains…..

America meets in parks…in bathroom stalls..shopping mall food courts…hotel banquet halls…corporate board rooms…on the prowl for the next fix…

come….get your fill…but…nothing is gratis…

the woods were on fire that night…deep into the dark flames from trees shot to the sky…with sirens sounding and lights flashing while a community watched….abandoning their slumber….

family men…husbands…fathers…fought for the safety of all while moms kept kids by their sides…looking-on at a blaze burning Pines and Dogwoods and Oaks and Hickory…a childhood memory burned to ash…

a magical place where cowboys and Indians chased one another down paths and into cool waters on hot Arkansas summer days…..

stratagies on walkee-talkees by American soldiers fighting an imaginary war while correspondents on TV told of real horror…

dirt bikes criss crossing and jumping over brush and old tires and teens..and anything found in abandonment…one man’s trash…

those trees burned until sun-up…til coffee was poured from thermoses….doughnuts passed around….and talk of next week’s Lions Club chicken barbecue…how many pounds of potatoes need peeled…mustard or mayonaise…

little by little lives move-on….transitions are made…kids grow-up…families disolve…communities come together less and less….

and wood burns….playtime is done away with…everything is temporary…

maybe that forest will grow again…perhaps dreams can go without arrest….

who knows….we cling to the past…images never leave us…and we have that to be thankful for…

Jehovah’s Witnesses stand on street corners preaching their word of god….only so few allowed through the pearly gates…the rest of us….well…

Bobby’s at the barber shop cutting fades and Caesar’s….cheapest prices in town…leave happy or your money back…

lovers sit in Washington Square Park as tourists take selfies and art students disrobe…various poses struck…Midwesterners look-on….pointing….whispers….we’re not in Kansas anymore…

I sit in an old man’s bar….drinking bitters….while grown-ups proclaim and procrastinate…the day has barely begun…another Scotch and soda…

the Manhattan church bells ring..
St. Patrick’s opens their doors….a hundred Mexicans come into pray….twenty Hindus look at art adorned walls…and Fundamentalists judge as only Fundamentalists can do, I don’t see what all the fuss is about, is overheard as they stroll down aisles…

and the acts of commerce begin again…the pushing…the shoving…the phone calls to sell…sell…sell…buy…buy….buy…boys with cellphones dialing for dollars….and cleavage is shown in shrink’s offices by pharmaceutical reps sealing deals….

I sit drinking bitters…listening….watching all from a corner seat…a swivel to the left and a turn to the right…as public bathrooms are cleansed and junkies nod out behind buildings….dumpsters…peep-show booths while Bollywood music plays and plays and plays…

the juke box booms Lush Life…followed by My Favorite Things…and glasses clink…the brushes wash…and all is forgiven…

I’ll have another…

the troops were led across Russia…burning wheat along the way…starvation was the hope…boy when a plan backfires…

the Greyhound bus dropped-off women…children…drunken refugees…white men who’d hoped for more…and rap artists muttering to themselves…into the night…the early morning while the clean of America lay in comfort..
snug as a bug in a rug…

and where will the departing go to…dingy motel rooms…truck-stop showers…24- hour diners serving pie alamode…maybe a shelter for those without…or under a bridge on the far side of town as rain comes down….drowning nothing..

not hunger…not pain…not torment from long ago…not arrests nor warrants…or the craving of the afflicted…the addicted…the one that got away….

far away from suburbia…from 9to 5…from kids in kindergarten…from mom’s apple brown Betty served after Sunday’s sermon…far away from America…

to a place where poetry is heard…words are read….songs listened to…and wine can be bought on Christian holidays….

YOU HATE THIS COUNTRY SO MUCH THEN WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE….

buy me a ticket..
I’ll go…
I know when a party’s over….

the sun rises in the east…sets in the west…
took me years to figure that out..
teachers said that was the truth…
I doubted….

and now there is travel towards cities…towards peaks….over farm land tucked away in valleys…
around broken down Chevys that lay in a lot
past old factories where men labored…
in neighborhoods….homes were cared for…
I see the sun comin’ up…

then turn around…
go backwards over the steps in progress made…
see the sun goin’ down..

over mountains….
and neon…
dust trails with ghosts still askin’ for a dime….
oil drills drillin’….
windmills churnin’….
exhaust fumes hovering over asphalt…

out to a hamlet of hills…
where grapes are golden..
water washes away sins from the nights before…

then what…
where to go next…
where will the sun take me….
which direction to follow…
flip a coin?

follow truth….always follow truth…

asleep in a car…an Avenger escaping America’s storms…looking for calm on the Canadian side of a continental divide…always on the lookout…always peeping behind the curtain…where can one find a better deal…

maybe Montreal….or Quebec City…a different kind of language…but the same bohemian life…the wanderings of the soul…need not work…a steady employment…just the brush….the canvas….a full tank of gas…

what happened in the land that was never free….never trusting of it’s poets….philosophers…prophets…putting faith in politicians…salesmen….nuclear physicists….the creative condemned…

no longer are there leaves of grass…nor trips on the road….just the constant craving of self-help through false faiths which tell us…you’re never wrong…

I sit in this Avenger looking out at the St. Lawrence Seaway…it’s clear blue color…I marvel at…it has no sin…

not a dark heart like the Hudson…nor a man made hue as the Chicago…just beauty…just beauty…

and this traveler keeps traveling…maybe onto mother Russia…or Havel’s dream left behind…could pay final respects to comrade Fidel….who knows…

keep going…keep going….soon you will be home…

this time he really let go….nothing held the old man back….he had something to say, I don’t know what day it is….or month…or year…but I know that’s not what I ordered….

the young lady….thick orange foundation on a white pimply face just stood there in silence…

Where’s the au jus?….you know…the beef drippings….his thin lips quivering, well…what’d you say…this ain’t no French Dip..

Sir, tray placed under arm, that is a French Dip…do you want au jus? …I can bring you au jus, an Indiana twang made it sound anti-Semetic..

No…just keep it…I’m not paying for that…not what I ordered…the jus is what makes it a Dip…there shouldn’t be an option..

Fine, walking-off in a puff…the old man just turned away in the booth…watching trucks pull-up and leave…

tea was drunk..time was passed and a country song played on the radio

tables were wiped down around us…no-one coming near..there was always a distance with dad….

what did I order?, he asked, we did order didn’t we?….he started to raise a hand.. attempting to flag down a waitress…

yeah pop we did, grabbing his arm and placing it on the table and letting go…it was time to let go…just let go..

well I wish to hell they’d hurry up and bring it…