it is time…
beyond time…
been waiting…
and for what…
the big finish…
abbra cadabbra…
look…nothing up my sleeve…
it is time…
beyond time…
-
-
i’m searching for honest words…nothing made-up…no lies…just truth…just truth…
looking at my hands…lined…callus…fingernails missing…a tightness to the grip…knuckles sore…joints ache…getting older…
gut sticks out…hips sag…tits droop…this body’s wear and tear has taken it’s toll…dare not look into that mirror…dare not…
and a midnight sweat is upon my brow…lonely…rocking back and forth…back and forth…no music…no music…
this beard is gray…hair untrimmed…ears unkempt…skin-tags grow…
i’m searching for honest words…nothing made-up…no lies…just truth…just truth…
alone…alone in this room of bare walls and Gardenia leaves…alone in this city of night…as sirens sound-off…they fade…they fade…
a red leather-bound Bible…never read…torn throughout the years…a gift from Grandma…i always resented her…always…
getting older…getting older…
has truth finally come…
-
i spent all night looking at old pictures of us in Paris…photos of you by the Seine…views from the Eiffel Tower over-looking all of a city and beyond…shots of me by that horrible atrocity created by Pei outside the Louvre…so awkward…something so new next to something so old…didn’t make any sense…didn’t make any sense…
looked through dated pics of cafes where we strolled-by in St. Germain…little cars…you were fascinated by small cars…automobiles that looked like seventeen clowns piled out of them…didn’t make any sense…didn’t make any sense…
our marriage lasted twelve years…with affairs…fighting…trying to stay away from the bottle…more affairs…more fighting…you wanted control…i wanted less restrictions…gone was Paris…gone…didn’t make any sense…didn’t make any sense…
-
listening to Johnny Frigo…
shots of whiskey…
women dance so elegantly…
thinking…
did i miss my chance…hit and miss…
the fat man on the barstool…
surrounded by youth..
bottles rattle…
voices chatter…i am alone…
awaiting nothing…no-one…
sipping life’s ruins…
slipping past forty-nine…
closing-in…closing in…listening to Johnny Frigo play violin…
shots of whiskey…
women dance so elegantly…
thinking…
did i miss my chance… -
Serpent’s Bite Apple Cider Whiskey…
bottle of A&W Root beer to chase it down with…
bus tickets to Cincinatti and a return trip back…
a black and white picture of a liquor store’s marquee…
coffee mugs…
this gardenia you gave me has bloomed…
water stands on a plate underneath it…
some used towel dries on a metal rod…
an old pair of jeans lay upon a shelf…
tee-shirts wadded-up in the dirty clothes basket…
the smell of you is still on my sheets… -
so i hitch-hiked from Joplin into Oklahoma…thumb-out…along a highway with debris blowin’ every which-way…it was a dry wind…hot…August-hot…cars passed…semis…wasn’t no-one stoppin’…just kept on passin’ me by…like i didn’t exist or somethin’…as if i was some ghost walkin’ ‘cross america post dust-bowl…funny how poverty never goes away…
kept on hitchin’ throughout the night…fruitless…big headlights shined on me as i walked and walked and walked…cars goin’ real fast…faster than i ever drove when i had the old Dodge…i’d get that thing up to 65 an’ just let it hang there…was never in a rush…
finally got picked-up by this guy inna’ an old Ford pick-up truck…paint was tarnished…close to rusting…the orange colored metal had no gloss to it as it sat under the blue lights of the gas station…he bought me a Coke and a pack of peanuts…
said he was headin’ down to Mexico to find himself a wife…gonna’ go straight down through the heart of Texas into El Paso and across the border into another land…a land where they didn’t speak English…place where you could buy a woman or anything you like for the right price…asked if i wanted to come along….
told him no…said he could drop me off in Dallas…some place close to it if he didn’t mind…he winked…asked me again…,sure you don’t wanna come along for the ride…maybe find ya’ a little seniorita too…, slapped my back…
naw…, i said…,better -off here in america…, didn’t know if that was true or not…just said it…said i was just leavin’ a woman an’ i sure didn’t need to get tied down by another one…he nodded his head with a cowboy hat tilted down…
ya’ sure…I’ll flit the bill…just gotta keep me company that’s all…
told him i was sure…
said fair ‘nough…fair ‘nough…
-
this time…
what…
things will work…
how so…
you can only fail so many times…
spend a whole life failing…
one can…
one most certainly can…
have you failed…
yes…and…yes…
you…
yes…me…
how many times…
lost count…
lost count…
yes…lost count…
I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing…
right…right…
you see that clearly do you…
I do…I do…
this time will be different…
you think…really…
no…not really…
-
tired…
so tired…
from what…what’dya do all day…
nothing…
nothing…
nothing…
well get-up and do something…
something…
anything…i don’t know…volunteer atta’ camp..
don’t wanna’…
change that tire on the Ford…
naw…
make an omelette…
don’t think I…
then what’dya wanna’ do…
nothing…tired…
tired from nothing…
yes…
tired of nothing…
yep…
yea…tired…
tired…
’bout a walk…nice long walk…
too long…
then take a short walk…
rather not…
fill your time…
with what…
mathematical equations…books…learnin’…
goin’ to sleep…
sleep…
yes…sleep…
dreams…
no…no dreams…just sleep…
tired huh…
yea…I’m tired…
-
and i remember this diamond cave in northern Arkansas…place called Cave City…back when i was a kid…hadn’t even started school yet..just spent my time runnin’ ’round barefoot in the backyard…gettin’ splinters from jumpin’ off this cedar deck my dad built…attatched to the back of a trailer home that sat on a fairly large lot…big ‘nough for a garden mom used for canning Roma tomatoes…yellow squash…turnip greens…
but that diamond cave was somethin’…all shiny from top to bottom…rocks sparklin’…daddy said that’s where he got the gem for mom’s wedding ring…he also said he walked on the Moon…
as i got older i lost interest in the cave…the brightness of it’s colors no-longer impressed me…i found the whole thing to be just one big lie…there weren’t any diamonds in that cave…just nature painted rocks…they were beautiful to look at…but they weren’t diamonds like i thought they were when i was young…i was told by a billboard that the cave possessed diamonds…so…i believed…
all those crystals in blue hues and ruby reds and ancient golds seemed like magic…seemed precious…seemed true…
these lies we’re told…
-
whatd’ya bring to the table…go-on…tell me…what is that’s so special ’bout ya’…think you’re one of a kind or somethin’…don’t count on it…could be that you’re just like the rest of us here in this town…just some inconsequential meaningless person like the rest of us…nothing special…that very well could be the case ya’ know…
I mean…I’m not tryin’ to knock ya’ down a peg or two…not tryin’ to get ya’ all depressed or screw with your head…but when it gets right down to it…you’re just like everybody else…put your pants on the same way I do…same way everyone does…keep that in mind boy…we’re all cut from the same cloth…same materiel…don’t go gettin’ this notion in life that you’re owed somethin’ just ’cause you are who you are…’cause who you are is what you are and that is that…just a man tryin’ to make it in this world the same way everybody else is tryin’…least that’s what my dad told me…that’s what he told me…
dmseay 