dmseay

tattered garages line the alley…
backs of houses…chipped paints of blue…white…gray…brown…
better days these buildings have seen…some boarded-up…windows replaced with plywood…doors with legal notices attatched…DO NOT ENTER….

drooping power-lines blow in the wind…
scattered tree-limbs…clumsy debris…chocolate bar wrappers…ATM reciepts…needles in haystacks….
homeboys march up and down the block in purple hours under a waxed moon’s haze…wandering streets with a purpose…to sell….steal….kill….
3 boys murdered execution style…line ’em up….

car- windows broken….
hubcaps stolen off a Mercury….abandoned bikes…left-overs to be picked through…
bums finding cans…bottles….half smoked ciggies….

and i watch….i watch it all go-down every night…
whores…crackheads…pushers…junkies….blacks and whites scrounging for fuel….
something to keep them going….
McDonald’s opened 24 hours….fillet-o-fish 2 for $4….
change scrapped -for….begged- for…fought -for….

forgive us of our sins…
forgive those who tresspass against us…
lead us not into temptation….
give us this day our daily bread…

for this was once a kingdom….
was once…
a kingdom…

doughnuts and meatloaf…
Pepsi..
cup of joe…

big Mike talks ‘ bout the drive into Chicago…
waitress tugs on her long blonde hair….
pop asks for catsup…

and the Wednesday special is Swiss steak…
Bill says save ‘ em a piece…
Bobby takes another nitro…another nitro…

note to self…
spring in 15 days…
get outta’ this town…

go west…
head east…
just leave…

this diner will be here…
be here…
when you return…when you return…

where is solace…
meditation…prayer…
moments of peace…
transcendence…

these demons…
awakened…
attacking…
begging for a monk’s life…

coming to terms with nothing…
longing for nothing…
wanting nothing more than something…
america’s nightmare…

naked…
soul stripped…
no secrets…nor judgments…
a constant state of grace…

this is wanted…
tis needed…
dear God grant me life…
yes…fill my cup…

these needs…
done with this world…
commerce commerce commerce….
move-on…move-on…move-on…

i need not wait…
a prayer away…
allah…vishnu…jesus…buddha…
answer me…answer me…

listening…
above loudness…lewdness…lawless…
hearing…
your small voice…

and this i pray…

amen…

tis calm…
cars go by…sounding like ocean waves…
sun cracked like yoke on a plate…

and here i sit…
with thoughts of an old monk…
prayers lifted…life restored…

last March…
slept in a metal chair…
Gotham’s gift…

sanctuary sought at Washington Square…
hustling down 8th Avenue…
chow at Apostle’s on 1st…

and here i sit…
with thoughts of an old monk…
prayers lifted…life restored…

a Midwest room…
confidant…
warm blankets…

now…
in this…
i am at peace…

tis calm…
cars go by…sounding like ocean waves…
sun cracked like yoke on a plate…

I’m reminiscing…,the old man said,…thinkin’ ‘ bout times I was down at the bottom of oceans….on verge of outer space…,kept looking out the passenger window…,not many men can say that…

no…no they can’t pop…

that trip out in space…weightlessness of it…I liked that…we took that dude way out there…,grinned…turned back to look-out at rundown stores…fast-food joints…taquerias…

so you went out in space…

we were just on the cusp of it…and on those ships at sea I had officer status…men jumped when I’d say jump…,played with the heat on the dashboard…,Mexicans take over this neighborhood…

so you were an officer…

I had official clearances…,the old man kept grinning…got quiet…,what does that getcha…what…

don’t know pop…tell me…

not much…not much…

yep…

did I tell ya’ ‘ bout the time I was in the rodeo…bustin’ broncos…ridin’ bulls…

no pop…

took a ride on a crazy bull…damn near killed me…not many men can say they rode bulls an’ busted-in broncos for a livin’…

no dad…not many men can…

it’s March isn’t it…

yes…

wasn’t it this time last year she started having problems…

yea…she did…

passed away in March didn’t she…

uhhuh…yes…

your sister’s got her in a vase don’t she…

no dad…

where’s she at then….can’t find her anywhere…looked all over this house…you kids hidin’ her from me…

no pop…

tell me where she’s at…tell me boy…

she’s in the cementary…in a vault…

a vault…

yes…

we burned her up…

mom was cremated…yes…

why’d we do that…

what she wanted…

nobody wants that…not what I want…for her or me…burnin’ up some body…can’t imagine…

that’s what she wanted dad…

huh…

yes…

you think ya’ know somebody….

so much…
anger…madness…
guilt at times turned fury…
hold the tongue…breath…

wrath…
manipulation…
his way…
step away…step away..

arrogance…
fear…
constantly corrected…
a servant…no longer a son…

soiled clothes…soiled man…
dependence placed…
meanness never stops…
always under a tornado warning…

cleaned…
fed…
washed…
listened to…listened to…

day by day…
hour by hour….
never turn-off the phone…
tis love…

spent the night trackin’ you down…some crazy dream I had…it was a dream right…

yes…

you were on the way to Kentucky…goin’ down there for God knows what…loose women…whiskey…maybe Gold Star chilli…I don’t know…you wouldn’t talk ‘ bout it the whole way back…

dream dad…

yea…it seemed real…as always I had ta’ save your ass from a mess of trouble…got yourself in a real jam with some colored boys down there an’ I had ta’ come up with a solution….

what’dya do pop…

I found ya just in the nick of time…them boys was ‘ bout ta’ slit your throat….pointed that shotgun at ‘ em an’ told ‘ em they best step away from my boy…

this dream dad..

dream hell…spent all night protectin’ our name…just like I always done…

you’re a real hero pop…

shhhhiiiittttt…..weren’t nothin’…dream huh…

go back to sleep pop….go back to sleep…

think I was dreamin’….

shhh….goodnight dad….

you were gone…went away to Cincinnati…Cleveland…some town…had the car all messed-up…I was tryin’ to find’ya to help…had no money as usual…you was just out there in America tryin to runaway from somethin’ I guess…called an’ called an’ called…you wouldn’t answer…never do…like you take some perverse pleasure in makin’ me suffer…you like to make me suffer…

no pop…i do not….

so you took the car to Memphis…worst breakfast I ever had was in Memphis…old boy managin’ the place didn’t have anybody show-up for work one day on account that he was an asshole so he tried to cook and wait on tables by himself….just aweful…

yes dad…you’ve told me that story….

what were you doin’ in Cleveland…or Minneapolis…where’d you go…

nowhere pop…nowhere…

just dreamed it…

go back to sleep dad…go back to sleep…

‘member you was in New York….an’ couldn’t find ya to save my life…all these skyscrapers…lights…where were ya’….where…

when was this pop…

well last night…I drove to New York City an’ looked everywhere…taverns…diners…x-rated movie theaters…up an’ down 8th Avenue…across 32nd Street…

that right pop…

well you know…you was hiding from me…all night long…drove that car all over that town an’ finally came back home…

to Indiana pop…

no…Texas…we’re in Texas kid…drove all night long to get to New York an’ back to Chicota…an’ here you are…right here in Texas…land of independence…free from all the rest of this bullshit in the world…

dad…

what…you gonna’ tell me I’m not in Chicota.

try to get some sleep dad…just try…

think I’m crazy…we’re in Chicota…Texas…an’ this is where I’ll be laid to rest…right here where I was born…gonna die here boy…

go to sleep pop…shhh….go to sleep…

don’t ever lead me on a wild goose chase like that again…New York City…an’ what’s this ’bout Indiana…

nothing dad…nothing…goodnight…

yea…goodnight…mom back in the bedroom…

mom’s not with us dad…

uhhuh…

she passed-on

where’d we bury her…

Indiana pop…

huh…what’d we do a fool thing like that for…

what she wanted…

not here in Chicota…

Indiana pop…Indiana…

New York City…New York City…I’ll be…

sure dad…

made good time…