dmseay

d’ya try to call me…

no pop…well…hours ago…

mmm…sorry….go back to sleep…

no dad…what’s goin’ on….

saw her ghost…

yea…

yep…she was in the closet lookin’ at her old clothes…the one’s that fit her towards the end…

sure…

was just standin’ there lookin’ at dresses and skirts…some blouses she had in her hand while she combed through hangers…

mom look at’ya…

funny thing…I called out to her…she just kept lookin’ at her clothes an’ shakin’ her head…just like when she was alive…

huh…

yea…called her name a couple of times….just kept lookin’ at them damn clothes…

didn’t even smile at’ya…

no….

sorry dad…

teach her a lesson…’morrow I’m throwin’ those old clothes away…

she’ll haunt’ya…

she already does…

wandered…
sought nothing…
unintentional…
always the case…

through this…
never stopped…
racing thoughts…
wounded souls…

and what was found…
same old same old…
sharp joy…
20 hour high…followed-by…followed-by…

darkness…
alone in bed…
dull pain…
4 hour low…followed-by…followed-by…

sleep…
thrashed…
crashed…
never long enough…

wandered…
sought nothing…
unintentional…
always the case…

followed-by…follwed-by…

wait for…
want…
keep this time…

why…
left so long ago…
wasted on youth…

should’ve put you in my pocket…
bubble gum…knife…housekeys…
there was room…

and i threw away happiness…
tossed aside joy…
for what…for what…

a few dollars more…
mere change…
a girl sacrificed…

one more chance…
make things right…
this i beg…

wait for…
want…
keep this time…

where you at….

here pop…

where…

here…at the coffee shop…

thought you were in ‘lanta…

no dad…right here…

I’m confused….you’re not in ‘lanta…

nope…

when are you going to ‘lanta….

not pop….

where’s mom…

she’s not with us anymore dad…

she go to ‘lanta…

no dad…

oh….

and classical music plays…
piano…cello…violin…
walking past Asian groceries…Mexicans…
i keep walking…

bus heading to Chicago…
another enroute to Cincinnati…
strip bars…taverns…an old record shop…
i keep walking…

people outside hotels smoking…
bankers fly-by…cups of coffee in hand…
lawyers on cellphones…salesmen text…
i keep walking…

egg sandwiches…
onions fill the air…
beggars begging…
i keep walking…

old beat-up taxies…
green turns to red…
church bells sound…
i keep walking…

a bronze General…
empty fountains…
junkies curled-up in concrete corners…
crazies talking and mocking…

i am home…

autumn has passed…
leaves swept away…
the sound of lawn-mowers…
auburn piles sprinkled on a yellowed green…
those left behind…whithered…

their colors i miss…
reds golds yellows olive….
rustling sounds of rakes in frontyards…
children laughing…
dad’s sneak a beer…

we would drive in-search of fall’s new hues…
bare branches were found…
other limbs full…lush…
the wind did it’s job…
scattering….

not a word was said…
car purred…
milage tickin’…
Bill Evans played…On Green Dolphin Street…
an occassional sigh…

you ‘member that fire…,you said…
yes…i do…
whole damn forrest burned to the ground…
it did…
yep…it did…can’t escape death….

no pop…you can’t escape death…

alone…
away…
trying to remember…what was her name…
looking-out windows…

this world has changed…
his life settled…
for what…for what…old blankets…
looking-out windows…

tired…
long-time from peace…
tranquility lost…
looking-out windows…

and dishes pile-high…
water never flowed…
Pepsi cans ‘ round a room…
looking-out windows…

mumbled blame tossed…
her fault…
she’s gone…gone…
looking-out windows…

nothing matters…
57 years…
too-soon…
looking-out windows…

had a dream…you’d taken off for Tennessee…went away without permission…you know…you gotta ask ’bout things like that…

no pop…didn’t know that…

you were in this jam ’cause you didn’t have any money and the cops were on to ya…

oh yea…

you know why the cops were onto ya…

let me guess…you called them…

damn right I did…not gonna steal my car…you were tryin’ to trade it in on some Dodge…

was…

you was….that’s how they caught ya’…you were gonna trade my Ford Tauras in on an old Dodge…guess you just wanted to get rid of it…

guess so…this was a dream pop…

yea…where’s the car…

out front…

give me the keys…

and the air was real cool that night as i walked through town…past strip bars…honkey tonks….used car lots…the roads were dark…lit by headlights…i was real jealous ’cause the car was back in dad’s hands…back in the hands of a crazy man…

boy get in…,dad pulled-up beside me…opened the door…he smelled like Old Crow….

where ya’ goin pop…

Texas…headin’ down there to pick me up a seniorita…

oh yea…

you wanna go or not…

sure…

and we drove into the night…down 69…to 55….interstates and highways…backroads….

never made it to Texas….

he woke-up …

power lines droop over cracked alleys…
kid on a tricycle pedals fast then slow…fast then slow…brmmm…..brmmm….his engine moans…lips stammer…

get over here…,the pot-bellied father says…,now…,opens a beer…throws away the tab…,boy…where you goin’…where you goin’…,he ain’t goin’ nowhere pop…nowhere…

and the gray gravel kicks up dust as diesels groan down Calhoun…running redlights…blowing horns…dad’s yellin’ at that kid again….,get over here right now…,the tyke laughs…he’ll get his…

i watch from up above…thinking could’ve should’ve would’ve….skin aches for a cleansing…gut isn’t still no-more…

and that glorious sun in the west sets for another evenin’ on a neighborhood without pride…a corner-lot where fights have been fought…hookers apply a trade…muggers mug…

a kid rides his tricycle….

train blows…
‘Trane wails…
darkness becomes light…
these nights…

train groans…
‘Trane moans…
rocks thrown by a lonely kid…
sun peaks through gray…

train rumbles..
‘Trane rattles…
the soul stirs…
listen…

train creaks…
‘Trane speaks…
stacatto notes…
bop bop bop bop bop…

train whistles…
‘Trane gives Acknowledgement…
old prayers lifted…
peace…