dmseay

whatd’ya get the old man…did’ya get ’em a card…gift certificates to McDonald’s…nothin’…

nothin’…

he’s 77 for christ’s sakes…nothin’…

no…

he likes that one steakhouse place…the one with the horns…

yea…

huh…nothin’…

that’s right…nothin’…

then again…that other joint you can throw the peanut shells right on the floor…

yea…

he likes that place too…

does it matter…

what place…

yea…what place…what birthday…what year…does it matter…

it’s dad’s birthday…there’s a respect here…

respect…

yes…this calls for attention…

i see…

mom was big on birthdays…

that so…

yes…you weren’t around but she made sure we all went somewhere to celebrate…like that Mexican place where they give you a free meal…

i see…

you wouldn’t know though….you were off galavantin’ ’round the country like some hopeless troubador lookin’ for a love to sing to…

uhhuh…

what were you doin’ out there…

nothin’…

musta’ been somethin’…no…you get dad somethin’ for his birthday…it’s what should be done…the right thing…

right…

but when did you ever do the right thing…

i guess never…not even as a kid…

not that i can recall…got everybody worried ’bout’cha…some kind of vagabond…

don’t worry about it…

no…

no…he won’t remember it anyways….

what’re you gonna do when he’s gone…

haven’t thought about it…

you didn’t even come to momma’s funeral…

couldn’t afford to get back home…

ya never should’ve left to begin with…

had to…

huh…don’t see me runnin’ ’round the world half-cocked…that’s your problem…you got no roots…never settled…that’s what happens to people like you…

how’s that…

you just…you just…make people’s lives miserable…mom worried about you…you know that…

nope…i don’t know that…never entered my mind…

well she did…i never thought twice about’cha…but mom sure did…

that’s what this is about…she’s gone…that’s done…finished…

yea…finished…huh…and dad…

he’s finished too…

ten thousand fools…
those that never tried…
their hand at love…
heart broken…
soul discarded…

did you become hardened…
or…withered away…
from love…from love…
to not care…callused…
no-longer feel the effects…

and fear comes into play…
marred-by marriages that didn’t last…
long-term relations never bore fruit…
dogs and picket fences…dogs and picket fences…
you always said you’d be around…

ten thousand fools…
those that never tried…
their hand at love…
heart broken…
soul discarded…

giving an’ giving an’ giving an’ giving….
till it hurts…
the lips bleed from truth…
hands ache to be held…
midnight’s the loneliest hour…

reaching over in purple to find nothing…
just a silent television with pictures flashing…
clinging to blankets…
the wanting never stops…
for your touch…for your touch…

ten thousand fools…
those that never tried…
their hand at love…
heart broken…
soul discarded…

these walks…
taken at midnight…
pass bars…lit churches…
stroll-by old haunts where vagabonds gather…
witches casting spells…
Gypsies dance…

down alleyways…
jobs done behind dumpsters…
picking for food…aluminum cans…broken bottles…
mysterious makeshift cardboard homes…
a rat scurries by…
and i think of you…

business deals made on street corners…
under busted streetlamps…
nickel bags…dime bags…
a rock is thrown…
meth takers…
myth makers….

was it in a dream…
the streets were clean…
paved with gold…
the mansion on the hill…
no junk to boot…
just purity…just purity…

these walks…
taken at midnight…
pass bars…lit churches…
stroll-by old haunts where vagabonds gather…
witches cast spells…
Gypsies dance…

and i think of you…

Midwest blues…
muttering bums walking through town…
talking to themselves…
of what once was…

the broken america…
looking at it in a rearview mirror…
thinking of love’s past…
money’s the honey…

and I knew these streets…
Austin Avenue….Belmont….Ashland…California….
some filled with young hipsters….
other streets spat upon by old weathered men….
grocery clerks no-longer carry groceries….
looking at it in a rearview mirror…

flickering neon marks a path…
down Lake where vagabonds and rustlers line-up for day jobs…junkies shoot…puff puff puff…
the whores walk these streets under a sign….FRESH KILLED LAMB….
and we’re waiting…and waiting…and waiting…

looking at it in a rearview mirror…

no magic today…
not a word written…
the soul was not stirred at 2 in the morn…
sleep took me under it’s wing…down the path of dreams…

fought it…
wanted to get outta’ bed…write…write…write…
but nothing came to mind…
only dreams of which were soon forgotten…short trips…small scenes of life in black-n-white…

dreamed of past loves…
exes…exes…exes…
none were calling out…
all safe…not needing my affections…they had done just fine on their own…

some got married…
one found a lover in Mexico upon a vacation…
some insurance salesman…
she laughed…, still haven’t got a car eh….

another found solace on her own…
away from the madness of america…
hidden away in a lighthouse offa’ Nova Scotia…just her and two black labs….said that’s what she always wanted…

and i lay in bed alone…
no lover…
no black labs…
just dreams….

no magic today…
not a word written…
the soul was not stirred at 2 in the morn…
sleep took me under it’s wing…down the path…
of dreams…

as i sit…
stare…
people-go-by…

men in suits…
women…uniforms fitted for business…
vagabonds picking-up cigarette butts…

black boys in baggys…
white chicks talkin’ shit…
a Jehovah on every corner…

as i sit…
stare…
people-go-by…

beer drivers deliver…
attorneys straight-faced cross on red…
Catholic school girls in plaid…

bars open at 10…
liquor store at 8…
lines form…

as i sit…
stare…
people-go-by…

up-n-down…
blue…
mind changes in a moment’s notice…
elation…
terror stricken…
back to blue…

these thoughts…
no serenity…
highs-n-lows…
buying bus tickets at 4 in the morning to Cucamonga…
wanting sleep…desperately wanting sleep…
no-longer in the game…

senses heightened…
an all-out alert…
wearing the heart on a sleeve…
honest to a fault…
cry and cry and cry and cry…
writing bad poetry at 5:30 in the morn…

i saw this boy once at a Christian shelter in Joplin, MO. who said he needed a healin’…said he had devils inside of him that needed to come out…soul needed to be saved…
so he went to chapel that night and confessed his sins…his lusts…suicidal thoughts… gluttony…sadness…pride…
they beat on that boy til’ he couldn’t stand no more…,COME OUT SATAN…..COME OUT…LET JESUS ENTER…
but Jesus never came…never showed…

up-n-down…
blue…
mind changes in a moment’s notice…
elation…
terror stricken…
back to blue…

New York…New York…
i’m a fool…
should never have kissed you…
never held you into the night as you cried…
should’ve left you long ago…

listened to your rants at 2 in the morning…
on subway cars going Uptown…past Jackson Heights….into the Bronx….
and you wailed and you wailed and you wailed…muttering ’bout….
no-one ever said life was fair…

watched men in dark alleys taking a beating for you…paying their penance while you laughed and called them clowns…
saw your cruelty in midnight diners where beggars gather for a cup of joe…pennies scraped…

took my love…the cost of a broken heart…left me to die at Mainchance…Olivieri…the castle in Brooklyn…Bellevue on 1st Avenue…
wallet stolen…pocket change spent on $ slices …broken ribs…bruised ego…i stuck-up for you…

New York…New York…
i’m a fool…
should never have kissed you…
never held you into the night as you cried…
should’ve left you long ago…

your pixies dance in Washington Square…
junkies doing jigs at Union…
pimps hustling at the Port Authority…
the taste of porn is still in my mouth…put there by you as the sun peaked through and the sidewalks were washed from the sins of the night before…and the children cry out in Gotham for one more fix…just one…

never should have kissed you…
never held you into the night as you cried…
but…i did…i did…
crawling back again and again and again…
New York…New York…
my love was always true…
and you knew that…you knew that…

the lovers you have had…
fools…

i’m waiting for autumn…
leaves in Central Park…
holding weathered hands…
walking past kids sipping cocoa…
chasing balloons…

meet me in November…
among horses in Columbus Circle…
taking pictures of two lovers…
dancing to a beat-up saxophone…
hold-on…hold-on…

eating pretzels and pralines…
your smile…your smile…
looking-up at a cloudless sky…
gold and reds are pulled from blonde hair…
emeralds shine…

wanting to kiss…
looking for the right moment…
under the bridge as a cool-wind blows…
bells ring…the city rolls-on…
ageless…we were ageless…

and you had no idea…
nor did i…
of how magic works…
but we grabbed it…
do not let go…do not let go…

i’m waiting for autumn…
leaves in Central Park…
holding weathered hands…
walking past kids sipping cocoa…
chasing balloons…

i’m waiting for you…

you sleep with the oven door opened…the way mom used to…thermostat set at 80…it is spring and the lilacs are starting to bloom…soon heaven’s colors on earth…yet…you sleep with the oven door opened…the way mom used to…

and winter coats not put away…nor sweaters…or thermals…is it a cold breeze that flows through this house…i hear whispers…hollow whispers that come from down the hall as you sit there in the Lazy-boy silently watching T.V. reruns at 3 in the morn…one eye blinking…the other closed…with smells of last year’s turkey…bacon drippings…cheesy caseroles…all burnt…all done away with…fills the house…you sleep with the oven door opened…the way mom used to…

it is quiet…hum of a heater is all that is heard…lamplights on…no tossing and turning…just a stale sense of being…corpses rotting in a furnace set long ago when a family ended…done away with by fights…hurt feelings…lies…accusations…deaths….yet you sleep with that oven door opened… the way mom used to….

trying to bring someone back is impossible…she is gone…these odors are not rich…they reak of deceptions…perhaps that’s what the family was…in this house where cold was always complained about…never enough warmth…you sleep with the oven door opened…the way mom used to…

please…close the door…