dmseay

along a path winding…spreading…pebbles tossed…horse carriages saunter-by… a golden statue of our goddess..she was always a beauty…

watching kids atop dad’s shoulders…hands held…lovers kiss…runners running…to where…i do not know…a finish-line awaits…

here there is peace…to sit upon a bench…gazing at architectural fancies…old buildings…brownstones… character…character…age does that…

trees ring of gold…saphire…auburn..and ash…winter will come soon…another act in the year’s play… we take this in…we take this in…giving thanks…

to walk through Central Park West with you…children of November…as Coltrane blows and cinnamon tickles our throats…

this is home…this is home…

what’s that brother ah your’s all upset ’bout…comin’ in here today tellin’ me what ta’ do….gotta have it his way,the old man took a swig of Pepsi…looked at the TV show…a live audience laughing at a guy getting hit in the groin with a whiffle-ball bat…

pop…he’s just concerned…that’s all…concerned…

’bout what…lookin’ at my check -book…my finances..my business…what does he want anyways, turned the sound down…took another drink, it’s a control thing ain’t it…

no dad…they just want you to cut back a little…say you spend too much…it’s a concern pop…a concern…

right…I see what’s goin’ on..I see…they wanna put me away don’t they…in some group home or somethin’…someplace where they wash my ass and give me pills…

no pop…not the case…not now…not now…

so they are thinking that way…what the hell gives them the right…that wife of his is behind this…never trusted her…I’ll bet she’s not plotting against her folks…

nobody’s plotting dad…no plots…trust me…

you…trust you…uh…OK…you say so…

hey…listen…don’t start with me…got it…don’t start..sacrifices have been made old man…sacrifices have been made…

what the hell you know about sacrifice…

listen…i’m done with this…this pop…done…no more…life is on hold pop.. 

don’t you take that car…I’m tellin’ you boy…

what…what…call the cops on the one kid who takes care of you seven fucking days a week…

I don’t need you…I’m fine alone…

you clueless fuck…you wasted life…you want something done for you…call that daughter of your’s…the one who never picks up the phone…who never drops by…call that son of yours running a fool’s errand instead of taking care of the old man…call him…, eyes were met…quiet,…i’m the last bastion of hope you got…i’m it…go figure…right..right…

the old man turned-up the TV twenty decimals…spoke loudly…, I don’t need you…just go…just go…

and i left…drove up north along backroads…highways with high beems hittin’me…the interstate past weigh stations and 24 hour McDonald’s…nowhere to go…nowhere…scared to exit…

got home early that mornin’…the old man sacked-out in the Lazyboy…snorin’ away…a crusted mouth with drool drippin’…TV on…a newsman predicting impending doom…

when d’ya get back…

just now…

wanna go get an egg McMuffin…

sure pop…sure…

I got a coupon here somewhere..

I got it pop…on me…it’s on me…

this…this is nothing…capital…commerce…this country…an on-going game show with parting gifts…COME ON DOWN….

always waiting for the prize…better offer…could happen…seek and ye shall find…right…right..

well…in America…where good boys and girls take naps at nap-time…play at play time…and shuffle papers in between… stops at water coolers…coffee pots…,where you goin’ for lunch…me too…I’ll buy,…the circle keeps going and going and going…

more money is made…more toys bought…keeping up with the Jones’ just got harder…vacations paid-for…mental hygiene needed…an overall cleansing of the soul…at what cost…make me a deal…

and i sit under the willow…a poor-man’s refuge…wishing for nothing…nothing nothing nothing…

it is all that could be hoped for…all to be gained…no assembly required…

absolutely nothing…

and one day…early morn… all just went away…anger…wasted energy…on what…what…

nothing…taking-in nothing after years of searching for something…thanks for nothing…

this need to be told…other’s standards…gone…no worries of judgment…done….tis nothing…

what lies ahead gives strength…this past… pains from childhood…failed relations…loss after loss after loss…these have taught well…lessons learned…

now the  page is addressed…a new slate every hour…written upon… drawn…paint applied…showing what is seen in that moment…in that moment…stay in the moment…

and one day…early morn… it all just went away…the acceptance of nothing…

i now long for nothing…and this is peace…

you see it don’t you…right..my…

what…what do I see..these abstract questions..my…

yes…yes…get to the point indeed…yes…this is the deal kid…I told Saul to tell Jacob to tell you…you fuck…to get in-line…right…

yes..I was told …

nothing…you got nothing…one ear and out the other…with you…them…everywhere…lost cause…

what the fuck did I do…

this..you did this…this thing that all kids do…it’s a cancer in the fucking system…try as we may…nothing…

what…

nothing…eat…just eat…

how can this be made right…how..

get in-line…there is a way things are done…and that way is my way…right…a pecking order you fuck…from top to bottom…get in-line…

so I’m to wait…for what…the house to be cleared…let others go before me…

it would be nice…

nice..

yes…it would be the right thing to do…

this is not American…letting others get ahead…un-American…competition makes companies…

get the fuck outta here….now…what world do you live-in…where…take all you can get and fuck the next guy…dues must be paid mother-fucker…dues must be paid…

alright…fine…perhaps my business should go elsewhere…

yes…perhaps…pass the salt…

yo yo man you gots a problem wit’ my boy back there…say…you gots a problem wit’ my boy…

i got no beef with you…

listen motha’ fucka’ you gots a problem wit’ him… den you gots a problem wit’ me…you got dat…

hey…this doesn’t work…i’m in the same boat as you…same boat…might have an advantage in dear old America ’cause i’m white..maybe…jury’s still out on that..we’ll see…

you motha’ fucka’…you ain’t gonna back down now is you..

not one bit…not…one…bit…same boat…same.. boat…

sitting on a rooftop sipping tea with Buddha…the fat man can’t stop laughing..his brass belly shakes…and there is joy…

happiness in the thought of nothing…sweet nothing…nothing but nothing…nothing gained… never was…give me more of nothing… nothing is nothing is nothing…here’s to nothing…

no shopping malls…nor car-lots…buy now and we’ll throw-in…no streets of gold or mansions to be sold in Bucks County…Chevy Chase…Fort Wayne…a bench will suffice…a piece of blessed ground under a willow..a bunk in a monastery…

this is good…this is peace…this is needed…simple simple simple…being in the moment and taking in what is provided…why ask for anything more…

take-in the rivers that flow in different directions…the green leaves…the red…yellow…and brown too…the paintings in galleries and words of poets…take them-in…take them-in…

and Buddha winks, D’ya hear the one about the rabbi…the priest…and the duck in a bar…
yes yes…the fat man chuckles…that one gets me everytime…

me too Buddha…me too…

more tea…

yes Buddha…please…

back-on the bus…all too familiar America…this depot in Toledo… station in Pittsburgh….all filled with second class travelers…vagabonds seeking homes…old land with  new hopes…

these highways and roads…signs advertising, Best Chilli in Town, and, See Sam Irvine for all Insurance needs, i will…i will…laughing…looking out at a midnight blue…with a devil-faced moon aglow…what promises tonight…

in and out of Depakote dreams…Trazadone trips of deep sleep…only for a few…then it’s back to America…a picture the way i left-it… nothing’s changed…nothing…

jazz riffs rattle within…Miles plays So What while the Jersey lights shimmer in summer heat..New York’s just over there…back to bohemia…

returning to the scene of the crime…the pill-pushers…the teenage runaways…homeless vets with cardboard signs…and commerce…commerce…commerce…all that could be loved or in love maybe outta love lies here…at your service…

and concrete feels the same…hustlers look the same…this city is the same…this will not change…the pain is still the same…

where ever you go is where you are…a piece of soul in every town…

just pick-up the pieces and move-on…move-on…nothing is ever settled…

is there innocence…the art of being unaware…how lucky…how lucky…

saw darkness…and light… never asked why…just took it in…all- in…

the whores…junkies…rapists…murderers…theives…the insane…drunks seeking another drink…never did they get enough…i took it all-in…

a shelter in Joplin where every night in the name of Jesus demons were cast-out…souls redeemed…and tongues spoken…a bunk and a blanket…i took it all in….

food given away in Vermont by a mad motorcycle chef dying of cancer…to feel human each  night under Italian lights and Bill Evans coming through on a mission to save you from despair…i took it all in…

to a merchant who wired money to a starved strung-out writer living in a Dodge…not a question was asked…no judgements made..he only said, What do you need?…i took it all in…

it was all taken in…and i am thankful…

this guy…Irish-Catholic…good family…prep-schools…the perks…i knew ’em…

 so disillusioned with life…the trivial things…like…tying shoes…flipping an egg…frustrated with all these processes…too much…

we would talk…play scrabble in a coffee-shop…he’d always win…said, before I begin…I say to myself…just see the board…just see the board, he did…

went from job to job to job…wandering ’round…goin’no-where…sold liquor…sold cars…sold pencils…tryin’ to get by…’nough for booze and broads… simple things…

time passed…got hard on the mick…took to stealin’…bad checks…written out at night when times got lonely…these things never end well…never…

hadn’t seen him in years…long while…heard he served time…a little…enough to do him in…doesn’t take much…

on a cold December day before Christmas his story was told to me by a grieving father and mother…huddled in a living room…arms around all in an unbroken circle…

the mick’s body was found dangling from a ceiling in a halfway-house…filled with drink…junk…toxins…rope ’round the neck…chair kicked-out…

 gone, the dad said, gone and there’s nothing that can be done about that…what’s done is done…

he just wanted to see the board…just see the board…