dmseay

no man you see you got it all wrong an’ shit…I did not steal that cell-phone from Frankie the Fag…you know how dat type be…always accusin’ niggas of this and makin’ up shit I got no idea what the fuck…

Rickie…Rickie…this isn’t good…not good…the rabbi’s ready to kick you out of the synagogue Rickie…no more bed to sleep-in…

this some bullshit Knowledge…fuckin’ bullshit…you know it be true Knowledge…you know it is…

let me ask you a question…

shoot.. 

how’d you get that scar on your cheek…how’d that happen…

you know Goddamn well how dat happened..

yes….yes…you stole from the wrong guy in Rikers…ya’ fucked with the wrong guy…

what da’ fuck Knowledge…

and yes…there is a price when that is done…yes…right…

uh…you think Frankie the Fag gonna’ slice me…dat mother-fucker betta’ think again an’ shit…

he’s not the worry here…right…

right…

yes…Weisman wants your ass gone…he does not like you…he never did…and he’d just as soon you find bedding someplace else…

someplace else.. 

yes…perhaps back at Rikers…

fuck dat shit…

confess to this thing Rickie…this thing you did…make restitution…

make what…

give’em back the fucking Obama phone…what the fuck you gonna’ do with that piece of shit anyway…

uhuh…let me ask this..what if I gave it to you and you said you found it…da Jews always believe your ass..

yes…yes they do Rickie…that’ll cost you…that will cost…saving you from goin’ back on the streets at night…or…Bellevue…The Castle over in  Brooklyn…they beat the shit out of a guy in that joint just the other night….naw…it’s gonna’ cost slick Rick…

whatchyou want…always somethin’…always be negotiatin’…what’ll it be…

now you’re talkin’ Rickie…that’s the smart move…yes…we’ll talk…

soon it will be back to the streets…someplace…some city…

moving in and out of people on sidewalks…jazz-joints…midnight diners where tranny whores down milkshakes…drunken couples talk loudly…police and thieves seated side by side…and redheads pour coffee and laugh at my jokes…

back to shelters and drop-in centers…sweating bullets in a broken system…waiting for meds to deliver me from temptation…there is always temptation…

weekly trips to art museums…daily mass…readings of poetry in pubs and coffee houses…always listening…to old men talk shop…conflicted suburban divorcees on shopping sprees then down on their knees in need of something different…speed-freaks…junkies…salesmen…guys askin for a buck or two…Polacks and Dagos looking for fights…observe and record…always taking notes…

this craft will kill me…i’m O.K. with taking a bullet…sleeping among bedbugs…homeboys howling at hookers on street corners…showing-up at shooting galleries and crack dens to pull brothers out…all for a story…a poem…a new language…

soon it will be back to the streets…someplace…some city…

New York, New York…you’re a cold whore in search of a victim…swallowed me whole…money paid…sacrifices made… never enough for you dear Gotham…

jazz was not enough…poetry poured out from my soul… tossed aside…you give and you give and you give…and you New York offered nothing but heartache…look out for yourself first…you said…

i wish i could, i told you, but…i have a soul…a foolish soul that falls in love too easily…too fast…brakes are never applied…

so i will leave you New York… search for another…and another after that and others to follow…

you won’t be my last…i never learn…never…

you mind if I read…

no…not at all..

really…

yea…

really…

let me tell you something…there’s nothing sexier than a broad wearing a tee-shirt and a pair of glasses reading a book in bed…

really…

absolutely…here…put this on… and turn to chapter five…

a station-wagon…nothin’ fancy…parked in-front of a trailer in Arkansas with tall wet grass…white shoes stained… streaks of green…these things remembered…

sitting atop vents blowing warm air through checkered pajamas on cold February mornings…waiting for hot cocoa with tiny marshmallows afloat…sipped through a gap in the teeth…melting white dots picked one by one by one by one…all gone…

and solace was sought in time alone…tossing a football to myself…talking amongst spirits and ghosts only known to boys and girls when trouble seemed near…trust was at stake…be careful… careful…

trips to Dallas in summer’s heat…a car filled with kids and Divinity from Stuckey’s…clam strips at Howard Johnson’s…radio turned-off…,Do you want me to stop this car…I will mister…, always the threat…always…

fear has gone…now looking back…seeing in-front of me nothing but broken pieces never to be fixed…always too late…what was i scared-of…nothing…nothing…

it is 2 in the morning…i’m thinking of you…

now here’s what we gonna’ do…listen now…

yea…

I’m takin’ you to the Arab’s on the corner…gonna’ introduce ya’….

yea…

gonna’ give ’em $100 in stamps and he gonna’ payout $60…got it…

sure…

cash…in yo’ pocket…

O.K. …

den ya’ gonna’ pay me a finder’s fee… for settin’ you up and shit…

yes…

only a $10 spot…yo ass won’t find no betta’ deal…

and how much does the Arab pay you…

dats ‘tween me and the Arab…

what’s ’round your neck..

this…

yea…

Padre Pio…

huh…

Catholic saint…did a lot for the poor…church up in the Bronx named after him…

i spent nights there…stayed-up talking to monks…balding bearded guys with hearts of gold… 

was good…talk ’bout books…music…politics…prayers…very smart…very smart…

you Catholic…

i am… loyalty…

loyalty…

i owe them… fed me…clothes.. a bed at night…no questions…no judgments…they listened…

Protestants don’t do that…

Protestants are very American…there is a price placed…

how…

chapel required…tithes handed over…guilt…you reap what you sow…you did this to yourself now dig your way out..a punishment for being poor…compassion cost…

Protestants…

fuck the Protestants…

your family Protestant…

my point exactly…

it is a coolness calling this morn…

maybe fall will come early…

 hope…

wanting peace…

senseless…

nothing gained…

Baton Rouge… Chicago…Milwaukee…Dallas…what was the point…

reminded of ’68…

there is no past…always was…

kill kill kill shoot shoot shoot set fires rob stores murder this guy arrest that one over there in the hoody pin him down mouth-off off a cop make the talk-show circuit and on and on and on…too much…too much…

and then there were two…

maybe fall will come early…

‘scuse me sir…’yo ‘yo…said ‘scuse me sir…you ain’t got no dolla’ you could lend me now do ya’…

tapped-out…sorry…

not even no dolla’…

yes…not even a dollar…nothing …sorry..

so that how it be huh…

yes…

that how you treat a brotha’ now huh…

yes…

yes…

yes…

Goddamn motha’-fucka’…you say it how it is motha’-fucka’ now dontcha’…

yes…

waistin’ my motha’-fuckin’ time an’ shit…who da’ fuck you think you is…

no-one… no-one…

no-one…

yes…no-one…

well fuck you motha’-fucka’…fuck you den’…

yes…and…yes…fuck me…fuck me…yes…

done wit’ yo’ ass…movin’onto a higher purpose motha’-fucka’… ain’t got no mo’ time for ya’ shit and what-not…

O.K. …O.K. …

Goddamn right it be O.-fuckin’-K. …holdin’-up business an’ shit…free enterprise motha’-fucka’….

yes…yes…with standards and practices…standards and practices…

what…

standards…and practices…

awe fuck you motha’-fucka’…gettin’ cute an’ shit…I’ll standard an’ practice yo’ ass motha’-fucka’ all day long…

….  … yes… yes…

done wit’ dis’…crazy motha’-fucka’ an’ shit…

yes…yes…

saw you out on the streets…sayin’it’d been a year since a drink was taken…thin…eyes gone…asking for cigarettes…i quit…

They’re tearin’ down the old mission and building another, a mumble…somewhat a declaration, And puttin’ in a liquor-store right across the damn street…can you imagine…big bold letters…Coming Soon…Belmont Liquors…mother-fuckers..

and i told ya’ i was never a fan…didn’t care for the way business was done at the shelter…biggest racket in-town…all in the name of Jesus…dollar matching dollar…

old beat-up Fords drove past…Dodges too…skinny men askin’ for dollars and dimes…a fix was needed…,could ya’ help-out an old friend, you asked, I’m startin’to shake…diabetes ya’ know…been in the hospital so many times…lost track…

my head twisted…payday hadn’t come…you walked-onto the next guy…and the guy after that…lookin’ for a low to no interest loan…whatever ya’ got…anything’ll do…

and i did not judge…my prayers were met…grace and luck…grace and luck…