dmseay

American men walk around all day….troll bars at night with cocks in hand and hearts on sleeves…too scared to take the chance….make a stand…state their piece…living in fear of not getting laid….not winning the prize…waking-up alone on Sunday mornings without French toast and an obligatory embrace….

cowards…Men jumping through hoops…standing on hind legs…begging…

America commits these vile acts…wanting to be loved…we don’t understand why Parisians tell us to fuck-off…

old glory…America…the young…hep guy on a Friday night scene who goes to the gym…shows off pecs and guns…agreeing with every ridiculous word from the mouths of babes….

what is gained in this circus act?…respect…prestige… new frontiers…one would hope for a reward…

too high a price at being number one…too much pressure…too much at stake….

however…if this piece is read a hundred years from now…the same question will emerge…

what the fuck happened?

there is nothing but words, he said…staring down at his plate of beans…

these words get in the way, she listened…she always listened, everytime I want somethin’ I have to muster up a word, they laughed…

what do you want, the elderly lady said with a ring on her finger…

just you…just you, the old man said…, that’s all I ever wanted was you…

she put her hand to his cheek…rubbed his lined face softly…he purred like an old cat waiting long for a reward…

and then she disappeared…took-off in the night…or was it early morning…gone

damn I miss her, the old man said, I surely do miss her…, he lifted a fork and placed it back down…

the old man kept looking out the side window…driving south on 69…high-beam headlights…glowing blues…split tires off the road….a sun going down…

your brother said tonight I couldn’t take anymore trips by myself….didn’t he?, pop stated…asked….continuing to look away as I drove…

that’s right dad…he said that…

so am I incapable of taking care of myself….is that what yall think?…I’ll do what I damn well feel like doin’, pulling out a small brown bottle…popping tiny tablets…

that pop…that right there…you’re taking nitros like they were in a Pez dispenser…

a what….you’re lucky I’m not behind the wheel…we’d be in Dallas by mornin’…..

pop….we’re just concerned…that’s all…

you two worry ’bout yourselves…you’re all out to get me…

not true pop, I glanced over at him,….not true…

what’s not? what’re you talkin’ bout…Sunday’s the fourth…holiday weekend…everybody’s on the road….

dad….it’s June…

oh….that’s right….

cars….suv’s…pick-ups…all cruising Lafayette, Barretto…Hunts Point at four in the morning….rolling down windows to listen to propositions from the buffet…. black, white, caramel colored ladies in the wee small hours…..

some young….heavy…others old and thin from riding the horse too long…
teeth missing…slightly bruised…
once a ripe piece of fruit now rotted from inside out…

the girls run to catch the slow-moving cars…
a game of cat and mouse….wanting cash…warmth from a heater while windows steam-up in a quick thirty seconds of an all out groan….his hand wrapped around the back of her skull….a forced-feeding…forgive us of these sins…

paid in twentys…johns speed away…and girls laugh…cry…howel…..at the midnight moon….waitin’ on the man….soon baby girl….soon…

there is no honor among theives….just ask corporate America…Board members…vice presidents….addicts junkies…Hunts Point whores…and the rest of us in metropolis…wandering the streets…panhandlers…pick-pockets….Port Authority pimps…..

we’re all waitin’ on the man….

when the kid was little…I’d take him out to the airport in the mornin’….around five…we ate doughnuts…drank chocolate milk, said the old man…adjusting a hearing aid….

tell him…look…look…big ole’ birds flyin’ in…green lights…blues…reds…flashin’…he’d laugh…just laugh….,kept talking…about a boy…a son…the old man looked out the window as a United flew over….

And that sound, he laughed, The boy just howled when those big engines let off noises….I told him the birds were havin’ tummy problems, he popped open a Pepsi can…

I don’t know what happened to that boy….where’d he go?….can you tell me?….he just took off one day…

yeah pop..he just took off, grabbed a doughnut…opened a Yoohoo…..,Things change pop…

my word….would you look at that one…..

I’m lookin’ pop…I’m lookin’

dropped cold turkey off of meds…
divorce after twelve years of marriage…
back on meds…
loss of jobs….
five years of homelessness….
streets in New York, Montreal, Montpelier, New Haven…..Philly….Iowa City….
the murder of a former lover….
excommunication from a family….
the finding of a god….
death of a mother….
a renewal in faith….
the daily thoughts of suicide….
endless therapy sessions….
one good friend….
midnight discussions…
cutthroats and cons….
ex-cons, ex-pimps, ex-junkies, ex-amples…of what not to do…
a brother who cares unconditionally….
a church with candles lit…

what’s next?

what wine….what passionate love making…then she revealed the truth…her truth…
our truth…

You’re a number, she said, One on the list of lovers…men…fucks…catch and release….catch and release……

a smile came over her sun-tanned face…a reddish glow…, But I dig ya…in a drunken poet sort of way…

I poured another glass…we kissed…deeper…deeper…told her I’d been ’round the block too… many times…

music played…wine was drunk…and new interests were established….

Come here, she whispered….softly…with the folding of a finger…

and I did….I surely did…

she came back to town from an extended vacation in Lala Land….an arm filled with well designed tattoos…colorful….neuvo….some people set trends….others follow….

the table was set….bread was broken….the young hepster saw them as simpletons….farmers….hoosiers…small town ya-ya’s she’d left behind…rodeo….not Rodeo…

You know you’re in the Midwest when you see a tramp-stamp saying Jesus saves, she said while a pitcher of sweet-tea was passed, I guess Jesus really will cover your ass….

(silence)…….a couple of breaths were taken by the old man….others looked straight ahead, Pass the salt please….

(back to silence)

what’re you lookin’ at?….lookin’ at me?….you keep lookin’….

you’ve changed, she said, not the same…

everything changes….nothin’ ever stays the same…a constant flux….right…did you want me to stay the same?….

I don’t know, a giggle from a woman who had changed herself…years gone by…gray here and there…both with dark circles under brown and blue eyes…

do you miss what I was….don’t like what I’ve become…?

it’s fine dear….it’s fine…

not a word of her was mentioned on that drive…just silence….riding past old highway signs…diners…roadside bars…just quiet….

sometimes the old man would start to say somethin’….he’d rub his wrinkled forehead…red from the sun and age…then place his hand back on the wheel…

hours of drivin’ ’round….getting lost…being found…no cell signals….no radio stations….

I let him do all the drivin’…. wondered what was goin’ on inside his head….didn’t ask…just let him drive….