dmseay

He heard noises throughout the night…cops carryin’ off criminals…an ambulance or two drivin’ through town on their way to St. Joseph’s…fire trucks honkin’ their horns…gunshots down the alleyway…a man and a woman yellin’ at each other next door…voices comin’ through open windows along with a cool summer’s breeze…an open gate clinkin’ to metal…

At 2:30 the train rattled through the city…a horn blastin’ away along with the chug chug chug of the locomotive comin’ to a standstill…then backin’ up on tracks where the screechin’ wheels had already passed…the ding ding ding of the bells tellin’ drivers to stay put…lovers stealin’ kisses on the way home…

And a tomcat strolled under his apartment…lookin’ for a handout…some liver leftover from the night before…a pan of milk provided by Ms. Yablomowitz whose son Denny the dope head was out on the prowl…lookin’ for smack in the early mornin’ hours…keys janglin’ in his front pocket as he whistled an old song ’bout loosin’ a girl time and time again…waitin’ for her return…waitin’…

Another siren sounded off in the distance…cars drivin’ by on Calhoun…soon mass would start at St. Patrick’s…soon….when the sun comes up and the church bells ring…a service in English…one in Spanish…and another in Korean…all waitin’ to see the Lord…waitin’ to see the Lord…

He wouldn’t come soon enough…

The wind wrestled the trees…bendin’ em back and forth in the dark night time breeze…makin’ noises outside his window as he watched the pines sway from side to side like an old singin’ group from the fifties made up of black teenage boys who hung out on street corners winkin’ at girls as they passed by…pretty girls…with done-up hair and ribbons tyin’ up curls…eyelashes real long…dresses below the knees…the wind wrestled the trees…

Rain came down through the gutter makin’ a steady drip…drip…drip…he saw the rain shinin’ in the streetlights down the alley…comin’ in sideways…it was a heavy mist that made all of God’s creation wet…green green grass…backyard gardens with red tomatoes hangin’ on the vines…black…yellow…and purple peppers…ready to be pulled…eaten while sittin’ in a patio chair with ease…the wind wrestled the trees…

And he could not sleep…didn’t even try…lookin’ at cars goin’ by on the side streets…with their lights on high beam…watchin’ as they traveled slowly in the early mornin’ traffic as whores walked home to their rented rooms…and meth-men screamed out into the night…dealers comin’ by with a little bit of a tease…the wind wrestled the trees…

This city…so pretty in the rain…dirt and grime washed away…only an over coating of sin remains…and…the wind wrestled the trees…

where’d ya come from…

just got here…

I know…but…where’d ya come from…

spent time downtown for awhile…

doin’ what…

lookin’ at faces…people watchin’…seein’ different types…man woman…woman man…girls and boys leavin’ Catholic schools…dressed in uniforms…ties…black leather shoes…Bibles and books…Bibles and books…

is that what you do with your time…

yes…and sit in coffee shops…drinkin’ water…thinkin’…

’bout what…

lots of stuff…

like what…

’bout the end of the world…

the end of the world…

yes…it’s comin’…real soon…I can tell…television ministers say it is…

they know…

yes…I believe so…better than anybody else…they know the Bible…they know Revelations…the four horses…second comin’…number of the beast…all that stuff…

you believe ’em…

course I do…

so…

I watch these school kids in their uniforms…wonder if they get it…if they completely understand…

what…

that one day soon it’s gonna happen…that this world’s gonna be gone…and only so many of us are goin’ to heaven…those that believe verses those that don’t…a belief in grace…in mercy…I wonder if they get that…

couldn’t tell ya…

yeah…didn’t think so…I’m gonna sit here and wait…

for what…

the second comin’….

it’s your life…

yep…

seems like a waste of time to me…

you just don’t get it do ya…he’s comin’…on his way right now…

can you see him…

yeah…I see him…I see him…the King of kings and Lord of lords…like magic he’s gonna appear…like a thief in the night…

you think so…

I do…I do…he’s close…real close…he’ll come one day soon…like magic…you’ll see…you’ll see…it’ll be just like magic…

he’d look out his windows…through the blinds…at a parking lot filled with cars…cars and pick-up trucks scattered about on gravel…some parked in angles…others straight-on…fronts facing out…tailgates closed…a flatbed attached to one of ’em…

and he’d watch these automobiles come and go all day long…remembering when he had a Dodge…used to drive it up and down I95 from Maine to D.C. …stopping in towns along the way…spending money on women and booze…fast food wrappers thrown down on the floor in the front and back seat…empty 32oz. Styrofoam standing straight in his cup holder…a coffee mug in the seat beside him…

those cars parked out there…silver ones…black…pretty rust colored orange…for sale signs on a couple of ’em…best offer…he thought about it…’bout getting back in the driver’s seat…taking off somewhere in America…

maybe heading out West where the mountains make points in the sky…go out to Vegas and spend all day at a black Jack table…drive ’round Hollywood and live with the stars…he thought about it…

wanting to leave…always wanting to leave…at a moment’s notice…throw all his belongings in the dumpster and take off in the middle of the night…it always sounded appealing…always…

he missed the road…Lord how he missed the road…

I’ve been looking for you…took off some time ago…like magic…you were gone…

And I wondered where you went to…some place back in the woods…went to another town…living under a viaduct in Joplin…maybe a homeless shelter in Little Rock…

Never dreamed I’d find you here…just over the county line…eating McDonald’s in the front seat of an old Chevy…thing’s rusted…falling apart…is this where you live…see you got your clothes all piled up there in back…

Been worried about you…after that fight you just left…no-one could find you…mom and dad worried sick…why don’t you come back home…anything’s gotta be better than living like this…you’re on E for Christ’s sake…got any money…

I’ll keep it quiet that I found you…here…take this…it ain’t much but it’ll get you a meal or two…

Hope you come home soon…,he said….the girl in the Chevy rolled up her window…and stared into space…

what did you do with it…

with what…

that thing you had…

when…

just a minute ago…you had it in your hands…some kind of screwdriver or something…

I don’t know what you’re talking about…

long and pointed…silver looking…maybe it wasn’t a screwdriver…you carry a pocket knife…

no…

you had something in your hand…something…and now it’s gone…can’t you remember…long and shiny…could be used for a weapon…

have you lost your mind…what would I do with a weapon…

all sorts of things…I’ll tell you one thing though…

what’s that…

couldn’t kill a bear with it…

no…

you’d have to get in awfully close…I guess dance with him a little bit…but bears don’t like to dance…they swipe…like to lunge at you…come after you right from the get-go…not like a kangaroo at all…they got more of a boxing style…bears like to wrestle…and the whole time they’re trying to bite you…they have one mode…to kill…that’s what they do…

people have survived bears…

not many…not many…

I see…

and don’t try using a shovel on ’em…just makes ’em angry…only one way to kill ’em…

how’s that…

………..

said…how’s that…

a gun…you got to shoot it…you can’t use some screwdriver on ’em…

I told you…I don’t have a screwdriver…

alright then…

He stared at the bright lights comin’ down the alley…two o’clock in the mornin’…the shadow of a cat runnin’ ‘cross the parkin’ lot…not makin’ a sound…just dead silence as the bright lights got closer and closer…lookin’ for somethin’…or someone…

All kinds of things took place back there in that alley…whores would roam back and forth at times with drunks from the nearby bar…junkies noddin’ out behind dumpsters…homeless guys pickin’ through trash…Mexicans grabbin’ old hot water heaters…abandoned couches…metal objects…lead paint on pavement makin’ a kaleidoscope of color on rainy nights under a streetlight…a rusted tricycle…

So…he kept watchin’ the bright lights as they peered into the windows of his rented room…,what are they lookin’ for…,he said to himself…,who are they lookin’ for…,he took a drag from a cigarette…coughin’ and wheezin’…coughin’ and wheezin’…watchin’ as the white lights started to make a turn…

A cop car…,he said out loud…runnin’ his greasy hand over his sweaty face and gray hair…,somebody done fucked up…,he continued…,always leavin’ traces of crime behind…a blade…a gun…some dime bag left after a score…needles…all clues…to what…he didn’t know…,just cops cruizin’…lookin’ for shit to get into…,he thought…lookin’ for shit to get into…

And…he heard noises next to his room…the meth-man was tossin’ in his sleep…comin’ down from an all week high…yellin’ and screamin’ into the night as the bright lights were now turned off…back to darkness…total darkness and a meth-head praying out loud for forgiveness…some kind of forgiveness…the sun would be up soon…and another night would be over…

what did you say…

nothing…nothing really…just a passing thought…something that ran through my head…really…it was nothing…

no…I’m curious…I thought I heard you say something important…something meaningful…like you’d say to a friend…or…a confidant…someone you’re close to…an insight ’bout yourself…

uh huh…it was just a random thought…would’ve kept it to myself but it just blurted out there…sometimes I have no filter…words just come out of my mouth…

well…it did this time…you were in deep thought…and…these words came from you…nothing complex…you say…but it appeared as though you were trying to be heard…wanting to be listened to…am i wrong…

just muttering…gibberish really…

you hear those people down in the alley…

yes…

what are they saying…

can’t make it out…

exactly…’cause it’s not important to you…but…what you said to me…just now…here…that was important…you opened your mouth and spoke words…didn’t understand them… but you spoke words…why speak if you don’t want to be heard…

I told you…

what…

it was just a thought…a random thought…

’bout what…

can’t remember now…that’s how un-important it was…a random thought…about nothing…nothing of any consequence…

you don’t think…

no…you’re making a federal case of this…but it was nothing…about some one I knew long ago…I think of her from time to time and words just slip out…

so…you were thinking of her…

yes…

and you didn’t want me to hear it…hear what you had to say…about her…this woman you knew long ago…

correct…

I see…

I don’t appreciate the way you went about this…

’bout what…

this interrogation…this questoning…

well…you shouldn’t have opened your mouth then should you…

I told you…things slip out…small things…un-important things…words that have no gravitas whatsoever…stupid me…

how so…

this is how people get to know my business…I can’t shutup…I talk too much…like a kid with a secret…I can’t keep my mouth closed…

I’ll say…it runs constantly…has the whole time I’ve known you…ever since she left you…you can’t stop talking ’bout her…that’s why I question you…as if to say…her again…we’re going to talk about her again…long has it been…

long time…

yes…

and she slips out every once in awhile…like a spirit inside of me…just when I think she’s gone…

she comes back again…

yes…

you need a cleansing…a mind cleansing…

perhaps…

yes…I think that would do the trick…a good analyst is what you need…

you think…

yes….wash away these thoughts…these thoughts that slip out…it’s a good thing you’re not in charge of anything…you’d give away the store…that’s why I watch what I say ’round you…I’m careful…

careful…

yes…careful…of what I say…no-one’s gonna have the goods on me…

no…

no…

is that what this is about…keeping scores…

yes…

why…

it’s all we have…keeping tabs on each other…that’s what people do…everybody is in everybody’s business…we can’t help it…muttering about in people’s lives…listening to slips of the tongue…tallying up scores…that’s what we do…

sounds like a bunch of women…

well…we all have our feminine side…

he’d tell these stories to ’bout anybody who’d listen to him…give him the time of day…in a crackly voice he’d talk ’bout old times when he was a kid in this town…’fore the McDonald’s went up…’fore they got a second traffic light at that four way stop out towards the end of town… back when the fire department was made-up of volunteers and the Sheriff’s Deputy walked up and down the two sidewalks that went through downtown…past the barber shop…the gas station…City Hall…and a Baptist church made out of fire and brimstone…

big American flag waved on sunny days and cold nights…you could hear it’s metal cords flappin’ ‘gainst the steel pole as the winds kicked off the lake…he said he didn’t mind the clankin’ noise…put him to sleep sometimes…said he could hear it when he kept his window open and cool air swept through a non-air-conditioned house…a steady beat in the midst of silence…sometimes you’d hear a dog bark…

so…he told these stories…seemed to be happy at the time he’d tell ’em…but when you walked away from him and on into the evenin’…these tales would take on different meanings…

stories ’bout adventures…’bout boys takin’ walks down railroad tracks waitin’ on the train whistle to wail…some wild tales of campin’ out under the viaduct with new friends he’d made who were just passin’ through town…carryin’ duffle bags with ’em and sharin’ smokes as they talked ’bout places like Los Angeles…Portland…Denver…movin’ from town to town in the middle of the night while most of America was fast asleep…

and he’d talk to anybody’d that listen…sat right there in front of the five and dime just rattlin’ on…him and his walkin’ stick…bouncin’ the end of it off the sidewalk…talkin’ ’bout the past…just talkin’ ’bout the past…he didn’t offer anything ’bout the future…no fortunes told…just long gone stories of livin’ in a small town…that’s all he knew…that’s all he knew…

goodnight Pete…

he kept pointing at his mouth…his throat…saying something…couldn’t make it out…water didn’t help…he spit it out…he was turning blue…a pale shade of blue…

and…I sat there…watched…looked at him choking…pointing desperately at his neck…he couldn’t breathe…I was motionless…just sat there…watching…watching…

part of me wanted to help…but then I paused…I’d never seen anybody die before…and…as he got closer to the end…he looked at me…stared at me right in the eyes…as if to say…aren’t you going to do something…

and…the more he stared the more I didn’t want to help him…I wanted to see him die…choke to death on a dry piece of hamburger…that was my wish…

finally he came up for air…he was wheezing…coughing…color was returning to his face…he would live…he would live…

so…I walked away…