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dmseay

  • dancer in Dallas…

    August 2nd, 2018

    she was wild…couldn’t break her…just kept buckin’ the whole time…legs would almost ‘come unhinged…tell her to stop…whoa…whoa…wouldn’t listen…had to do things her way…crazed…out of her mind…

    one night she went really nuts…never could get enough to drink…was never finished…had three or four tequilas right inna row…backed with Dos Equis…dark kind…kept sayin’…,more…more…more…,she was onna mission…she was always onna mission…

    and she went ’bout flirtin’ with every man in the place…grabbin’ ’em…kissin’…bein’ real inappropriate…old men and young boys couldn’t get enough of her…

    started dancin’ on top of the bar…liftin’ her dress real high…showin’ just enough to be indecent…didn’t care…that was her job…money thrown at her…placed inna garter…

    then she’d do this real provocative floor show up on stage…rollin’ ’round on this thick shag blanket to some Bob Seger song…Down On Main Street…while que balls cracked eights and thirteens in the back room…almost as if she was makin’ love…to someone…to someone…

    wrapped herself ’round a pole couple of times…no whoopin’ and hollerin’…men would just watch…fantasizin’ ’bout takin’ her home that night…thinkin’ ’bout them long legs wrapped ’round ’em…all they could do was dream…

    that’s all anyone does here…dream…just dream…

  • cigarettes outside a funeral home…

    August 1st, 2018

    why’dya come…

    felt I had to…

    barely knew the guy…

    well enough…

    been years since I’ve seen you…you haven’t changed…no gray hair…no lines…haven’t aged at all…

    oh…my body’s pretty beat up…tired alot…age shows in different ways…

    where you been…

    all over…was out East for awhile…New York…Philadelphia…Baltimore…traveling ’round…workin’ here and there…makin’ ends meet…

    hear ya…

    you…

    stayed here…made this my home…this place…gotta job at the GM plant…screwin’ bolts…just screwin’ bolts…

    married I see…

    this…never took it off…she left me years ago…never jumped back in the pond…maybe I keep thinkin’ she’ll come back…don’t know…took off with some lawyer…practices environmental law for some big corporation…makes money…that’s what she wanted…

    I see…

    shame what happened to him…

    yeah…died of cancer…

    had a good spell to say goodbye to everybody…friends…relatives…

    I didn’t get a chance…

    to say goodbye…

    right…

    did you want to…

    part of me did…we had a thing a long time ago…never fell in love or anything…I guess just a fling…

    oh yeah…

    ‘fore he met his wife…

    I see…

    just wanted to pay my respects for some reason…don’t know why…saw the obituary and said…I know him…knew him…felt sad for some reason…like an old friend had died…don’t know why…don’t know why…funny ain’t it…people pass in and out of our lives…years go by…we do this…we do that…and one day it ends…there’s no more…just gone…

    yep…that’s true…

    well…nice seeing you…we should get a beer sometime…

    you gonna stay for awhile…

    I don’t know…never know…just take off in an instant…whenever it strikes…

    I see…

    take care…

    yeah…you too…

  • goodbye New York…

    July 31st, 2018

    i sat lonely…

    park bench was my home…

    peasant in this land…

    listening to jazz as night creeped on…

    bass line kept my interest…

    belly ached…

    mind raced…

    back to a time…

    when moon beams shined on lovers along Lexington Avenue…

    and cabbies line up at Punjab palaces…

    all night bodegas sellin’ coffee and scratch-off games…

    garbage trucks go by…cops fly into night…ambulances picked up passengers to Bellevue…

    Mexican line cooks in back alleys smokin’ and jokin’…

    waitresses out spendin’ their loot…

    barkeeps takin’ orders from tykes who’ll drink till dawn…

    and poets dream of words and semicolons…words and semicolons…

    I thought of you New York…

    dreamt of your arms ’round me…

    kisses in the wind…

    the scent of your breath in autumn’s air…and that scarf worn to hide traces of love…

    Manhattan…Manhattan…back when you were my woman…a million goodnights…a million goodnights…

    i bid you farewell…

    goodbye you mad lady…

    so long my love…

  • they had dreams…

    July 30th, 2018

    He wanted to take off and make his fortune on a fishing boat in Alaska…some dream the young man had of leaving the Midwest to see something different…to be out on the ocean…hauling in nets and cleaning decks for weeks at a time…then coming back to shore and cashing big checks…enough money to travel the world on…go to places like Prague and drink cheap beer…stay up all night on the streets of Paris…sleep with beautiful women in places like Berlin and Amsterdam…these were all dreams of his…dreams…

    Never got his passport…was scared to take the first step…stayed around his hometown delivering newspapers in the early morning hours…visions of boats and trains going through his head as he walked his route in the coolness of the Fall…with leaves crunching ‘neath boots…seeing his breath in the November early morn…humming Chet Baker songs…wondering when his time would come…

    And he never saved a dime…spent cash at bars on beers…pretending he was drinking with comrades in Moscow…sailors in Portugal…punk rockers in Barcelona…just sat there on a barstool night after night fantasizing about being anywhere in the world other than where he was…small town where the streets roll-up at 10:00 with moms and dads tucking-in children…kisses on foreheads…prayers sent up to Heaven…

    He got older and older…dreams would die off like grapes on a vine in winter time…moved onto factory jobs and assembly line work…puting widgets in holes…wandering what happened to him…all those dreams gone…vanished…now it was a wife and two kids…grocery shopping on Saturdays…watching the grass grow in the summer time…tossing baseballs with the boy…pushing the girl on a swing…

    At night time he would hold onto the woman he fell in love with…or…setttled for…and there was always an eerie silence between them…a quiteness that screamed…

    For she had dreams too…wanted to be an actress…or some kind of star…wanted to be noticed for something…other than just being a mom…a wife…checkout girl at the super market…

    And like him she threw her dreams away…and settled…tossed adventure out with the evening trash…fantasies placed in a can with bacon drippings…

    As they held onto each other in silence…scared each night that the other would eventually fold and show their hand…glimpses of fishing boats and Broadway stages filled their heads…

    neither ever said a word…

  • thinking of Central Park…

    July 29th, 2018

    thinking of Central Park…

    thinking of Central Park…

    Autumn in the city…

    bones ache…

    September gone…

    your scent still lingers…

    old bridges in Central Park…

    moss covered stone…

    am I still alive…or is it a dream…

    jazz plays softly in my ears…

    car horns sound…

    taxis pass by…

    carriages clippity clop…

    a lover gives his girl a rose…

    thinking of Central Park…

    thinking of Central Park…

    I miss you…

  • Jess Marie…

    July 27th, 2018

    I’m goin’ to Texas…,the old man said…,You comin’…,rolled over and looked at the clock…the red numbers showing 3:00 in the morning…he stood above me with suitcase in hand…an overcoat on…and a Swiss yodeling cap placed upon his head…he meant business…

    What’s in Texas pop…,I yawned…rubbed my eyes…turned on the lamp next to the bed…,Got a woman down there…,he said…,She’s sweet on me…knew her in high school…been talkin’ to her on the computer…,dad held onto his bag tightly…pushed up his glasses and then pointed at me…

    I need you to drive me down there…pronto…get dressed…,he turned to walk out of the room…like he was marching in R.O.T.C….,Be quick…wanna get on the road ‘fore the Sun comes up…,the old man said over his shoulder as he opened the bedroom door…,I’ll give you five minutes to dress and pack…

    I put on my robe and walked out to the living room where I saw him standing at attention by the front door…,Pop…why don’t we get some more sleep and talk ’bout this in a couple of hours…,he placed his trembling hand on the door knob…

    You comin’…,his voice raised…,I can drive without you…,somehow he had found the keys to the Ford that I hid from him onna daily basis…,he opened the screen…

    Hold on now dad…,I said…,Let’s talk this thing through…,he kept walking out into the driveway…I followed…

    Talk…talk…talk…,the old man said…,All you wanna do is talk…I got a woman waitin’ on me…Jess Marie…says she’ll make me feel like a man again…says she’ll take care of me…and she’s rich too…last husband was a millionaire…left her all kinds of cash…,he marched to the old Ford and unlocked the door…

    Pop…,I yelled…,can’t let you do this…,You’re not the boss of me…,he shouted back…,I ran over to him…bare feet on the sharp gravel…

    Let go of me…,Pop said as I wrestled the bunch of keys away from him…,God damn it let me go…,he demanded…then gave me a shove…

    Dad…give me those keys…give ’em to me and I’ll drive you down there…,looked at me…breathing hard…,You promise…,he said…,Yeah…I promise…,told him…

    He handed me the keys and marched over to the passenger door…,I’ll be waitin’ for ya’…make it quick…,ran back inside to get dressed…came out and he was still inside the old pickup truck…

    Texas huh…,I said…he nodded his head…,Let me get out here on 69 and we’ll head south…motioned yes again…and let out a chuckle…,That was easy…,he said…had to laugh myself…

    turned on the radio to a country station…Glenn Campbell singin’, By The Time I Get To Phoenix…we both sang along to it…then a Tammy Wynette song came on…we didn’t know the words…

    Where we goin’…,the old man asked after driving a half hour…,Texas I said…,he looked puzzled…,Texas…,he whispered…,Why…,adjusted his Swiss mountain cap…,Said there was a woman down there waitin’ on ya’ pop…,he looked out into the darkness…the Sun just about to come up…,Oh…,he said under his breath…,What woman is that…,turned to me…,I told him Jess Marie…he looked confused…,there ain’t no Jess Marie…I don’t know no Jess Marie…,turned down the radio…Porter Wagoner was singin’…

    Dad…you o.k. …,the light was beginning to shine…,Yeah…,he said…,Just don’t know why we’re goin’ to Texas…

    I kept quiet for a minute…,Wanna go get some breakfast and then head back home…

    I guess…ain’t nothin’ in Texas…ain’t no Jess Marie…

  • where you callin’ from…

    July 26th, 2018

    when ya’ comin’ home…

    don’t know…could be awhile…

    where are you callin’ from…

    rather not say…

    you in trouble ‘gain…

    nope…

    broke…need some money sent to ya’…

    could always use some cash…

    tell me…tell me where you’re at and I’ll send you some money…can’t ‘ford much…’bout a hundred…it’s somethin’…

    yeah…I ‘preciate it…when I get out I’ll tell you where to send it…

    you in jail again…get locked up for somethin’…always gettin’ in trouble…what’dya swipe some beer at a liquor store…dine and dash…whatdidya get caught doin’…

    nothin’…not in jail…

    where are you…where you callin’ from…tell me…worried sick ’bout ya’…been out on the road for so long…I know we fight…but I miss ya’…

    I’m in the hospital…looney bin…crazy house…had another episode…found me in a car almost passed out…

    Lord…

    hadn’t slept for days…talkin’ foolish talk…

    thinkin’ ’bout killin’ yourself again…

    yep…

    ain’t Christian…you know that…some kinda devil inside you…somethin’ tearin’ away at your soul…been that way for a long time…were ya’ drunk…

    nope…haven’t touched the stuff…just sad…really sad…talkin’ to myself ’bout things…sad things…

    tell me where you’re at and I’ll drive up there to see ya’…

    I’ll be out soon enough…

    then you’ll come home…

    yeah…I’ll come home…tired of running…

    where’d ya’ go…

    up and down the East Coast…drivin’ like a mad man on I95…back and forth…New York…Philly…Washington…just went mad…thinkin’ of killin’ myself the whole time…

    what did ya’ do with the money I gave ya’…

    spent it on gas…

    what else…

    women…

    been whorin’ ’round ‘gain…

    yep…

    what am I gonna do with you…I’ll take ya back this time…but this has to stop…

    yep…

    where you callin’ from…

    Bellevue…in New York…

    call me when you get out…

    I will…

    no more of this…promise…takin’ off like that…scarin’ me half to death…it’s a blessin’ you’re still alive…

    yep…

    gotta get rid of these demons once and for all…

    hear ya’…

    we’ll talk soon…

    I’ll call ya’…soon as I’m out…

    please do…love ya’…

    love you too…

  • midnight call in America…

    July 25th, 2018

    what happened…

    things just fell apart…

    things…

    yeah…got tired…

    tired…

    tired of waiting…seemed to be draggin’ your feet all the time…always havin’ an excuse for not comin’ through in the clutch…when I needed you most…you were out gettin’ drunk…or God knows what…and I’d be at home with no-one to talk to…no-one to listen to me…

    you don’t need a boyfriend…

    no…

    need an analyst…

    need someone who cares…who gives a damn…where were you all those nights…

    out…

    out where…

    walkin’…walkin’ from one end of town to the other…stoppin’ here stoppin’ there…lookin’ in pawn shop windows…seein’ rings and things…wishin’ I had enough to buy you somethin’…somethin’ nice for a change…maybe a necklace…or a bracelet of somekind…never could find the scratch to pay for it…’tween rent and phone bills…money I owe to this guy…always owin’ somebody…always havin’ to borrow…never gettin’ paid enough to make ends meet…

    maybe if you’d get a steady job…’stead of workin’ here and there…always quitin’…always gettin’ fired…

    things happen…

    all the time they happen…why can’t you hold down a job…I don’t ask a lot from you…but somethin’ stable for a change would be nice…

    can’t say that’s gonna change…I been on the bum so long I don’t know how to live a normal life…can’t wear a suit and tie…or punch a clock…don’t wanna work on some assembly line putin’ parts together…

    you’re gettin’ older…can’t do labor jobs for much longer…body wears out…you gotta be tired of it…gotta ache from liftin’ heavy stuff all the time… the three or four times a week that you do work…it’s gotta get old…it’s gotten old for me…

    guess I can’t give you what you want…

    you could…

    not made that way…

    not dependable…

    guess not…sometimes at night when I can’t sleep and I go out walkin’…I think to myself that I’ve wasted my life…that I never finished anything…quit everything I ever started…and then I wonder what’s gonna happen to me…maybe by the grace of God I’ll just die one of these days and not have to worry ’bout it…just go to sleep one night and not wake up…

    is that what you want…

    ‘ventually…if I’m lucky…

    can’t be ’round for that…don’t wanna see that…that’s why I’m leavin’…

    I see…good luck to ya’…

    yeah…good luck to you…

    you take care of yourself…

    you too…

    love ya’…

    don’t say that…

    I do…

    if you did…nevermind…

    I get it…I’ll put my key in the mail box…

    o.k.

    take care…

    yeah…

    bye…

    goodbye…

  • Foster Parents…(to Steve and Melissa)

    July 24th, 2018

    we used to stay up late listenin’ to cars drive by…said you could tell what kind of vehicle it was by the sound of the engine…sedans…pickup trucks…convertibles…motorcycles…old beat-up junkers…some game you played…don’t think you knew…think you just made it all up as you went along…

    we’d keep track of the cars and trucks…semis…motorbikes on a sheet of yellow paper marked off in columns…get to five sticks and cross ’em out like a prisoner does days remaining…stay-up most of the night countin’…till ‘ventually I’d fall asleep…that was the goal…

    and I’d have these dreams ’bout you…that you were holdin’ onto me…keepin’ me safe from some kinda monster behind the closet door…a green monster with bulging eyes and a hideous laugh…you held me with one hand and had a sword in the other…fightin’ off this demon…didn’t know what it was…some kinda mythical troll…you kept it at bay…

    you’d fix me breakfast in the mornin’…big thick slices of French toast with maple syrup…bottle in the shape of a woman…used to hold her with both hands by the waist and pour till half the bottle was empty…you’d just smile…told me…,This is America…we’ll make more…

    all day long at school I’d wait to see you again…looked forward to your hugs…kiss on the forehead…havin’ you read to me from big books with colorful pictures…Where The Wild Things Are…

    and like Max in the book I felt safe after an adventure…to be tucked away in bed…pajamas on…lights dimmed…ready to count cars again…

  • The Bible…

    July 23rd, 2018

    momma gave him a Bible for his tenth birthday…golden letters…red leather cover…picture of Jesus holding a lamb…another of Mary in the manger with Joseph building a craddle…wise men all around…picture of a girl getting mana from Heaven…Jonathon and David shooting bows and arrows…Zacchaeus up in a tree…waiting for the Lord…waiting for the Lord…

    this Bible he took everywhere…on camping trips…in the back seat on long distance drives ‘cross country…to his grandparents’ house for the summer…havin’ it next to him while he fished on Turkey Lake…kept the book in a backpack as he rode horses and skinned his knees on back gravel roads lookin’ for stones to toss…skip ‘cross the water…

    had it with him when he left home…hitchhiking on Lincoln Highway…reading it in semis as drivers had country radio turned on…songs ’bout cheatin’ spouses…drunken nights…wild characters out on a rampage…stand by your man…

    kept silent as he got dropped off at truck stops in the middle of the night…out in the cold without a dime to his name…fillin’ out applications in small towns…Joplin…Hicksville…down South in Paris, Texas…moppin’ floors at a Dixie-Que in Sparta…makin’ ends barely meet…

    and he read the Bible in New York City…read it loud on street corners in Times Square…talked to whores on Seventh Avenue ’bout the second comin’ of Jesus…spoke of miracles…miracles..

    wound up an old lonely man…dyin’ inna rented room up in the Bronx…his Bible by his side…torn…fallin’ apart…still kept it…still kept it…

    had no-one to pass it onto when he died…it was taken from his room along with a hot-plate…coffee maker…a blanket his aunt made…some said he accomplished nothin’ in his life…that’s what some said…

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