dmseay

you sit there…waiting…on what…the second coming…apocalyptic horsemen…what…you would think your time was worth something…something tangible…reached out for nothing…just sit there…not a word spoken…silence…completely quiet…as if you never had anything to say…yes…the silent type…silent type…

this will all catch up to you one day…yes…one day you’re going to wish you said something…about this…about that…made a real statement…’stead of keeping everybody in suspense…that’s what you do…keep everyone guessing…what will he do next…what will he do next…

and…the answer is nothing…you’ll grow old in that chair…autumn will pass…winter too…and you will still have not said a word…frightening really…what are you waiting for…do you even know…everyone’s given up on you…you’ve driven them away…by doing nothing you have driven them away…yes…driven them away…

yet here I wait in the thick of it…the thickness of silence…waiting for your next move…waiting for your next move…

he’d sit out in the backyard as the coolness of evenin’ came about…chewin’ on strands of grass and singin’ out loud some song he’d learned in church that week…Amazing Grace…Old Rugged Cross…somethin’ that dragged just a bit…sang through two missin’ teeth…hummed over parts forgotten…

and momma would be inside fryin’ up chicken livers and gizzards…a few hearts…too poor to cook up a whole chicken…too many mouths to feed…she’d drudge it in egg and flour with salt and pepper sprinkled in the mix…fried in hot bacon fat and Crisco…cast iron skillet sat onna flame…

daddy’d never be ’round when she cooked up chicken innards…he’d be out on the road tryin’ to sell service contracts to getcher televisions fixed…he’d drive up and down and sideways throughout the state of Arkansas sellin’ them pieces of paper…useless pieces of paper…most of the time you just needed the antennae adjusted on top of your house…daddy knew this…

she got so lonely with him on the road…sat inna big old Lazy-boy recliner and just cried at night…waitin’ on her man to come home…just waitin’…took no interest in watchin’ t.v. herself…didn’t care ’bout Rich Man Poor Man…or Roots…didn’t even wanna see The Thorn Birds…just sat in that Lazy-boy waitin’…rockin’ back and forth…while life just passed her by…

were ya scared…think somethin’ was gonna happen to ya…somebody or some thing was gonna getcha…fears…bein’ afraid of your own shadow…i know what that’s like…been in that position ‘fore…scared ’bout hittin’ the road…what’s out there…some kinda monster followin’ ya…kind that hides ‘hind trees in the woods…or underneath a sofa for that matter…just always there…

and you can’t see it…

no…you can’t…’at’s what makes it so damn scary…’cause you know it’s there…just waitin’ for ya’…comes in different forms too…a friend…strangers…lovers…some gas station attendent who you think is harmless…just a guy doin’ his job…he wants a piece of ya too…they all do…

even family…

particularly family…you think brothers and sisters aren’t keepin’ score…they’re just waitin’ for ya to fuck up…somethin’ in the slightest bit they can confront ya with… some lie ya told long time ago…some truth you’ve kept hidden…they getta hold of that…like gold…

i am scared…

better be…of all things…don’t trust no-one…your co-workers…beer drinkin’ buddies…they’re all out to getcha…and they will ‘ventually…count on that…one thing…one thing they been holdin’ out on ya ’bout…they always keep somethin’ in their pocket…a little chunk of gold they can plop down on ya at any given moment…leave ya just waitin’…waitin’ for that other foot to drop…could be months could be years…just somethin’ always held over your head…put the fear of Jesus in ya…that’s what they do…that’s what they do…

what can you do…

nothin’…just wait it out…wait for it to ‘ventually catch up with ya’…and it will…it will…bet your last dollar on that…it’s just waitin’…it’s always just waitin’…

why you gotta scare me…

it’s truth boy…unknown is always ’round the corner…can’t do nothin’ ’bout it…what’re gonna stay in your room the rest of your life…you think you’re safe there…guess ‘gain…there’s nowhere to hide…sins always exposed…ghosts know your name…sure as hell do…think you’re better than the rest of us…

not sayin’ that…

what’re ya sayin’…

we gotta live in fear…is that what we gotta do…

yeah…that’s what we gotta do…

i was mad…
crazed by the sight of you…
drunk with desire…
mad…

wondered how i made it out alive…
this voice…your voice…driving me…
telling my soul…you are wanted…
hope can kill a man…

and all this time wasted…
flowers and poetry…
no guts nor goo holding us together…
is this what love is…

the wine was sweet…
i drank from it’s cup…
this cup…your cup…
of madness…intoxicating…i am the fool…

i was mad…
crazed by the sight of you…
drunk with desire…
mad…

sitting in dark…
listening…
rain beats on rooftops…
streets shine…
cars drive past…

and down the hall loud music is played…
noise really…
a towel under the doorway…
smell of kush…
grown men yell at a video game…

train wails…
taking hobos to another town…
cigarette butts left behind…
bottles of brandy…
cheap kind…

i wait in night…
taking it all in…
sounds of a city…
a truck rolls down alleyways…
watching from a perch…

toilet runs…
old man wheezes…
I reach for you and you are not there…
shadows cast on white walls…
singular…this life is singular…

sitting in dark…
listening…
rain beats on rooftops…
streets shine…
cars drive past…

what is it we want…

you mean…

what do we want…truly…in our heart of hearts…what is it that we want more than anything on earth…or maybe it’s not of this earth…could be beyond…ever think of that…some kinda spiritual mission you wanna go on…

don’t want anything…never did…can’t see the use in wishing for somethin’ you’ll never get…no matter how hard you try…

what’ve you tried…you put your hands in a few things but never really tried any of ’em…it’s like you’re waitin’ on some kinda magic to take place and it just ain’t there…you touch somethin’ and you expect a miracle…gotta do more than touch boy…gotta grab it…hold on to it…never let go…

act like I haven’t done anything with my life…you sit there and just insult me freely…like I’m some kinda spoiled kid…I know what hard work is…I’ve done it…and at the end of the day…what use is it…what does hard work getcha…a bad back…sore knees…deeper in debt…no thank you…no thank you…

so you’ve given up…quit ‘fore you even started…

done told ya…

haven’t told me anything…just said how much you hate hard work…and you’re right…it breaks you down…your bones ache…fingers get hard…I know that…but why the hell else were we put here on earth…the human body was made for work…don’t you see that…made for liftin’ and carryin’…pushin’ and shovin’…life was intended to be hard…if it weren’t then we’d be up in heaven at the side of Jesus right now…been that way forever boy…forever…and those that don’t work hard just perish…they just eventually go away…’come nothin’ more than men holdin’ signs on the side of the road…PLEASE HELP…ANYTHING WILL DO…so on and so on…is that what you want…be a beggar…gotta find somethin’ and stick with it boy…be a jack of all trades and the master of one…

I gotta go…

where ya goin’…

nowhere…nowhere…

can’t run all your life…gotta get somewhere and stay there…when you’re not planted you get in trouble…establish some kinda roots…you were never wantin’ to do that…never wantin’ to do what was right…’ventually you gotta find a purpose…

gotta purpose…

what…see the world…move from job to job to job…what do you own…what do you really own…what can you say is yours…

I guess nothin’…nothin’…

dont’cha wanna own somethin’…a car a house…be an American ‘stead of some Trotskyite…some kinda dreamer…communism looks real good on paper boy…real good…but it don’t work…

not a communist dad…don’t know what I am…

well…yeah…yeah…

gotta go…

call me…said call me…

listen…here’s the deal…no-one’s goin’ anywhere til I find out a few things…

like what…

til I’m certain…

certain of…

I’ll cut it to the quick…I don’t like bein’ lied to…or worse yet…stolen from…I know what you’re up to…shouldn’tve hired ya…you go into these towns to do one thing…sell RAM Cleaning products…you sell it…collect money…bring it back to me and then I divy it up…real simple…are you gonna take somethin’ off the top…sure you are…I’m no fool…but you’re not that smart ’bout it…

I ain’t done that…I bring in every dime I earn…

uh huh…

honest…

you think I like this…drivin’ ’round the country with a bunch of runaways sellin’ some cheap shit that don’t even work…you think I like what my life’s become…I’m nothin’ but a pimp…a glorified pimp…and you my friend are nothin’ but a whore…a carpet cleanin’ whore…and all I’m askin’ is for ya to bring in what is right…that is…what is mine…

sells have been down Bobby…not my fault…I’m bringin’ you all I make…these towns with their NO SOLICITATION signs are fuckin’ me up…nothin’ I can do…

ignore the signs boy…I know why the girls outsell ya..I get that…they show a little skin an’ there in…you gotta work it a little harder boy…it’s a gender bias world…you are not blessed with an easy street…

I’m bein’ honest…

seriously…

yep…

I got my eye on you…hear me…I got my eye on you…better start producin’ boy…’ats all I’m sayin’…’cause this is America…and you will be left behind…

he drove all night…chasin’ the Moon…under a silver glow magic was cast…she fell in love with it…reached out her arms from a million miles away while he just kept drivin’…wanderin’ ’round…lookin’ at a blank sky…’cept that Moon…that Moon…

and she felt it’s warmth comin’ through the windshield…her face lit up…smiled…radio played an old Chet Baker song…he just kept drivin’…pleadin’ with the Sun to stave off just a bit longer…sky turned purple and orange like sherbet in a bucket…embraced those colors too…

Moon and Sun danced in the mornin’ light…pulled the truck over on a cliff and they watched the solar waltz…picked up a rock and chucked it down the hill while her eyes gazed and her hips swayed…kissin’ clouds…kissin’ clouds…

anything for my baby…, he said…anything for my baby…

how far did you walk…

miles…

where’dya come from…

few states over…just left one day and started walkin’…didn’t wanna stop…

what are you running from…

makes you think I’m runnin’…

at some point every man runs from somethin’…it’s our nature…we run from towns with no opportunities…families we never understood…goin’ in search of ourselves…so I’ll ask again…what’re you running from…

don’t know…just wanna get away…see somethin’ different…somethin’ excitin’…makes me think…like a paintin’ on a wall…done by some impressionist or a Matisse…maybe Picasso’s blue phase…

you like pictures…

yep…I do…used to look ’em up in books at the county library…I’d spend hours everyday in there just lookin’ at pictures of paintings…big tall books…stand ’em up and just flip through pages…brought me peace…

can you paint…

never tried…don’t think I have the talent for it…or the discipline…I just like lookin’ at pictures…

looking at pictures…

yeah…lookin’ at pictures…

I heard ya…

said when ya gonna have a talk with that girl…

well I don’t rightly know…

you’re not ever…

that’s not what I’m sayin’…not what I’m sayin’ at all…might be tonight…after you and everybody else in this God forsaken house has gone to bed…might be then…

she don’t know…she don’t know…

don’t know what…ways of the world…how things work and don’t work…I can assure you she probably knows more than you realize…

like what…

well…

like what…barely passin’ high school…she can’t know that much…

she’s got good common sense…

good common sense don’t getcha that far in life…getcha nothin’…falls in love with a boy you can toss all that out the window…

she’ll be fine…

fine…

yes…fine…got good instincts…she’s no dummy…

what’s she gonna do…

she’ll get herself a job at the A&P and go from there…she can work just like the rest of the folks in this town…

you gonna see to that…

will…

don’t wanna be supportin’ her when she’s thirty-two and not married…

minute ago you were talkin’ ’bout her fallin’ in love…

you know what I mean…

no I dont…she’s your daughter…we’ll support her long as we have to…that’s just what you do…

just what you do…

that is just what you do…