dmseay

some say they saw him up state by Lake Champlain…said he stayed in doors mostly…sometimes you’d see him out…but rarely…

was ‘fraid of people…had this terrible fear that one day someone was gonna do him harm…mug him…shoot him…stab him…after all…it was still america…

he’d walk into town once a week to buy groceries…just a few items at a time…meats and cheeses…couple of bottles of wine…just sat up at night drinkin’ dago red…never much cared for white…

swore one day there’d be a way to overcome this fear…these terrors…thought he could meditate his way out of it…sit with his legs crossed and just chant the haunting away…didn’t work…gave up on it…like he’d given up on so many things…marriage…jobs…high school…

had dreams of bein’ somethin’ if only he could get ’round to it…if he could just focus on the task at hand…let these nightmares go…just wanted peace…some kinda peace…

some say they saw him up state by Lake Champlain…that’s what they said…

had these dreams…every night…’bout the end of the world…said he saw it comin’…an apocalyptic manner…buildings crashin’ down…oceans roarin’…fires burnin’ in the mountains…a hundred years war…only the holy would survive…

and there was no food…shelves had been picked over…farmers stopped farmin’…animals had died off leavin’ nothin’ but skinny corpses…man couldn’t grow his own garden…ground was contaminated…

no water came outta faucets any more…just spurts of red blood…people were dyin’ of dehydration…some just ended their lives outta fear…outta fear…

and finally this great savior came…ridin’ a white horse from the heavens…hitched a ride with him…said he’d been waitin’…said he’d been waitin’…

had these dreams…everynight…’bout the end of the world…

it was at night he noticed it most…left a long time ago…years…could never get back on track…went from town to town…just wanderin’ …sleepin’ on park benches…under trees…

would do day labor to make ends meet…worked on beer trucks…part time factory work…construction cleanup crews…
anything to keep a buck in his pocket…

he had no possessions…a kinda freedom in that…no longer a car…or a house…
just jeans and shirts…kept in a bookbag…
carried a copy of Leaves Of Grass…that was his bible…

they said he was a genius…long time ago…said he had some bright future ahead of him…masters…doctorate…business ventures…whatever he wanted…didn’t want any of it…didn’t want any of it…

it was at night he noticed it most…

hadn’t seen her in years…
long time…
some days…
back in November…
rusted leaves fell from oaks and ash…
beauty in death…

thought he saw her in the Spring…
shadows cast on schoolyard walls…
amidst honeysuckle…
as May came calling…
and him with that silly bouquet…
pitching woo…

life is rushed…
a watch has stopped…
time waits at the door…
September’s days are near…
one day tis Summer…
she sat upon sand…

hadn’t seen her in years…
long time…

stumbled ’round the house…stubbed toes on an end table…cat hissed…place was pitch black…couldn’t see in the night…sleepwalking in suburbia…just outlines of objects…lamps…swivel chairs…couch…a home entertainment center…fake flames glowed behind glass doors…green lights blinked in the dark…

and there was no sound…quiet…no sirens…nor cars…trains did not wail…purple hours passed of nothing…just silence…eerie suburban silence…a blank slate…

wandering to a filled refrigerator of various diet sodas…Girl Scout cookies…selected deli meats…Stoufer’s lasagna…no smells of garlic…or sage…a staleness filled the air…everything in order…too much order…

a white canvas…no paint…

where ya been…

out…

out where…

just out…

smell like a saloon…

maybe…

not no maybe to it…smell like whiskey…cigarettes…been drinkin’ tonight…

little…

I’d say…

what’s it to ya…

just sayin’…can always smell ya comin’…got that Wild Turkey smell ’boutcha…Evans…some whiskey…smell like my daddy used to smell…he’d come home saturated in smoke and booze…could never get ‘nough of it…come plowin’ in the house ’round midnight…sometimes I’d see him passed out right there on the kitchen table in some cold plate momma’d left out for him…just layin there still as could be…snorin’…never heard such snorin’…

and…

you remind me of him…maybe that’s why I married ya…they say we marry our parents…think that’s true…

what…

we marry our parents…

you ain’t nothin’ like my mom…

no…spose not…well you’re sure like my daddy…just like him…

guess so…

I guess so…

tired…

I’ll bet…

you got the answer to everything now dont’cha…

maybe I do…

you gotta give me the third degree…gotta stick it to me when I’m down for the count…

yep…just like daddy…used to talk to mom that way…just like that…

had ‘nough of you…

used to hit her too…you gonna hit me…go on…take a wild swing…

girl…

go on…said go on…

goin to bed…had it…

just like daddy…just like daddy…

daddy’d drive his pickup truck through town on Saturday mornin’s…kid sat beside him…lookin’ out the front window…waitin’ on dad’s demands…,shift up Josh…,the boy whose hand was always on the gear shifted up while makin’ a pretend motor noise with his mouth closed….,brrrmmm….brrrmmm, he’d hum…daddy just kept drivin’…

and they’d go out on Baer Field…stretch of road that went out to the airport….saw planes flyin’ overhead…Delta…American Eagle…United….real pretty planes…white…silver…blue…,shift over Josh…,he’d shift over…

drove past trailer parks on Winchester…past cornfields on Bluffton…just makin’ the mornin’ rounds…dad with his can of Pepsi…Josh had one too…just like daddy…,shift down boy…,he said with a grin…the man-child obliged…

they had a box of donuts ‘tween ’em…chocolate…powdered…some glazed…they ate and just kept lookin’ out at the same things they saw the Saturday before…and the Saturday before that…

just shiftin’ gears…pretendin’…

saw you’d left…turned on every light in the house…called out your name…Dodge was in the driveway…funny…you never liked that car…

checked the closet…few empty hangers…just danglin’ there on the rod…shoes were gone…left a couple a pairs behind…

no note…nothin’…just disappeared…guess you got tired of my ways…my simple ways…always threatened to leave me…never thought you’d do it…well you did alright…you did…

what is it…find a better deal…some guy who does what…what…I held down the fort…worked my job…tried to love you…please you…all them flowers I bought…thought I was doin’ the right thing…thought I was…

I always knew you’d leave…just kinda figured as much…every relationship ends…they all do…told me that once…said it was just the way it is…

should’ve listened to you…should’ve listened to you…

spent days listening to rain…hitting windows…rushing through gutters…watched it form streams in streets…everything slick and shiny…asphalt glistened…

and it came down in different speeds…torrential downpours softening to a mist…never letting up…people walking in between drops to get home…seeking out awnings for temporary shelter…men in slickers…women carrying umbrellas…

rain gave comfort…it’s magic cast over town…a town that needed a cleansing…some kind of spell making it pure again…wiping soot off old bricks…washing blood on sidewalks from weeks gone past…

spent days listening to rain…just listening…

you want the light on…

no…

like sittin’ in the dark…

yes…

it’s not good for ya…wakin’ up in the middle of the night…just starin’ out windows…what’s out there…what you lookin’ at…

all of it…everything…same things…

like what…

old church…streetlights…corner where that boy got shot last summer…

snow’s done washed away that blood…

nobody else would…dried in the Sun all throughout the Fall…just dark black blobs of blood…

I know…I know…

lookin’ at slushy sidewalks…thinkin’ how cold and wet my feet get…walkin’ ’round this town…nobody shovels…just wait til it melts…and as soon as it melts we get hit ‘gain…some clipper from Canada…storm brewin’ out West…we get our share…

we do…we do…

look at these cars up on blocks…missin’ tires…stripped down…things haven’t moved in years…just sit there…linin’ up the alleyway…people steal and that’s that…you want somethin’ you better lock it away…but that ain’t no guarantee…

you could pray…

for what…dear God please keep an eye on my shit…that don’t make no sense…he’s got ‘nough on his plate without worryin’ ’bout this neighborhood…

I hear ya…I hear ya…

you asked what I’m lookin’ at…

yeah…

nothin’…just nothin’…