dmseay

an’ you’re always worried ’bout money…makin’ a dollar stretch a few days…few hours…never ‘nough…never ‘nough…

stayin’ up till midnight to see that check drop-into your account…lookin’ at the cellphone every minute…a little gift that gets us through…whole thing gone…spent-on diners an’ bars up an’ down the streets through town…actin’ like a big shot…give a guy a buck or two if he asked you for it…they always ask you for it…

can’t save a dime…take these odd jobs throughout the month…money under the table for mowin’ yards…or…cleanin’ up sidewalks…get that money an’ it’s gone for you know it as well…six-packs of Old Style…cheap whiskey…cigarettes….

an’ we get kicked outta sleepin’ rooms all over the place…movin’ from one town to the other…never havin’ ‘nough to cover rent…a little here an’ a little there to landlords who’d give us some time to come up with it…we never come up with it…

daddy told me not to hook-up with you…told me you couldn’t pull your weight…best thing you ever did was get on the SSI…least then there was $735 a month we could count on…otherwise we’d be right back in the streets…back in the shelters sleepin’ in bedbug beds an’ blankets that never reached your toes…

they should’ve never took the kids away…shouldn’t have done that…I think Anthony and Darlene would’ve given you a purpose in life…some kind of initiative…hell…what do I know…jumpin’ from foster home to foster home…keepin’ ’em away from us…that’s for damn sure…

just gets so lonely out here in this town…so lonely when you’re broke…

the first has come an’ gone…come an’ gone…oh well…

hey…wake-up sleepyhead…

train kept wailin’ as Mickey and i walked through town… early morn…few cars would pass-by…a semi or two…mostly nothin’…just nothin’…

what time is it…,the old biker asked…

twenty after two…

August, 1st…

yep…August, 1st…

my anniversary…

oh yeah…

yep…twenty-five years without a drink…,he said…,haven’t touched one drop…,got the news that night ’round this time an’ I haven’t had a drink since…

miss it…

no…do not…

what happened…

he lit-up a Viceroy…last one in the pack…, was livin’ down in Florida at the time…Fort Lauderdale…used to put-up beer signs in windows…big an’ small neons in bars…liquor stores…Miller Lite…Coors…Bud…all kinds of signs in green an’ red…used to dream in green an’ red…

yeah…

got the call from Kokomo ’round five in the mornin’ that my baby had been in an accident…said she probably wasn’t gonna’ make it…

sorry…

her friend drivin’ home that night had had a few too many…an’ she wrapped that old Buick ’round a tree off a curve on a back road…said she was goin’ awfully fast…they was both gone on impact…brain dead on the spot…they announced her passed away later on that night…, Mickey took a deeper drag…,I tried to make it back…tried my damndest…callin’ friends for money to loan me for a ticket…gas…took me a few days to scrape it up…missed the funeral…

don’t know what to say…don’t know what to say…

there’s only two funeral homes in Kokomo…said they filled both of ’em for my baby…whole town showed-up, started showing pictures on his phone of a young girl with a pretty smile…,that’s her…she was somethin’ boy…tell you what…she was a chunk taken outta’ the old man’s ass…was just like me…just like me…bit of a hell raiser too…her mom was the quiet one…

missed the funeral huh…

yeah…they couldn’t wait any longer…had to get my courage up…get cash to get back up to Kokomo…brought flowers to her grave…haven’t had a drink since…

no…

nope…not a single drop…things happen for a reason…

these streets are tired…
girls pace from corner to corner…
boys in blue roll-by…
midnight strolls…

i watch from above…
kids on stolen bicycles…
chains on trees droop to cement ground…
mom’s worry…dad’s gone…

spray-painted gang signs…
crowns and numbers…
letters of warning…
stay away…stay away…

and dime bags are sold…
nickel bags bought…
the cost of business…
over 100 dead in a month…push baby push…

these streets are tired…
girls pace from corner to corner…
boys in blue roll-by…
midnight strolls…

no…i’m not in Vermont…yes…the colors are amazing…reds and golds…yes…but i’m not there…it is gorgeous…mountains…overnight…it is beautiful…i’m not there…no…not in Vermont…i’ve seen Lake Champlain…i know…yes…getting to be ’bout that time…yes…the waters are cold…yes…ice cold…yes it is amazing…everything is amazing…yes…i’m calling from New York…
no…not upstate…yes…New York is close to Vermont…it is beautiful…yes…what…no…no…i’m in the city…yes…New York City…it is big…uhuh…lots of people…yes…too many people…listen…just listen…no…i have not seen the Statue of Liberty…uhuh…no…i need you to listen to me…please listen…what…no…Bloomberg is no-longer mayor…yes…he was for a long time…i don’t know if he’d make a good president…just hear me…listen…no…no sir…the leaves have not changed yet…they are still green…yes…it is August…yes sir…yes…i am sure…i’m calling from Bellevue…yes…Bellevue…it’s in Manhattan…yes…New York…what…it’s a hospital…yes…no sir…look…please listen…just listen…dad…dad…well…sort-of…no pop…i have to go now…yes…i’ve been to Vermont…i know…the colors are beautiful…no dad…no…i’m on the 12th floor…the 12th floor…it is not a hotel sir…no…it is not…yes dad…Bellevue…yes…like on Barney Miller…the crazy house…yes…that’s the one…no dad…no…a while…i said a while…i have to go…people need to use this phone…no dad…no…i don’t need you to come get me…no i do not…please pop…please…goodbye dad…i said goodbye…mom’s dead dad…yes…i’m sorry…yes…i have to go now…i have to go…bye…bye-bye…..she passed-away last March…no i wasn’t there…i was not…i couldn’t afford a ticket…no dad…no…i’m sorry…yes dad…i have to go now…i don’t know when i’m getting out…no…i don’t know…i have to go now…i’m sorry ’bout mom…yes…O.K. …bye now…bye…

she kept callin’ him…askin’…,how’s it goin’…whatcha up to…where ya’ been…, always real nice…kept sayin things like…,can’t wait ta’ see ya’…it’s been too long…I’ll keep the light on…,he’d just growl as he hung-up…

she kept callin’ him…tellin’ him…,I got a date tonight…he’s not as good lookin’ as you…not as smart…not as sophisticated…, he’d get off the phone and lay in bed for days on-end thinking of nothing but the need to be alone…

she kept callin’ him…requesting his presence at her downtown loft…the swanky part of town…away from the poverty he lived-in…,come spend a couple of days with me honey…,she’d say…,you won’t be sorry…don’t ya’ want some homecookin’…don’t ya’ want your baby to take care of ya’…,he suffered in silence…

she kept callin’ him…bein’ sweet as honey…gettin’ to the point of it all…usin’ words like romance…love…forever…

he stopped answerin’ the phone…

all night-long she kept knocking on the door down the hall…drunken demands to open-up…,open this god-damned door you motherfucker…,she yelled throughout the night…,I want my shit back…come-on…open-up…,the bruised woman cried…

hey…, i said…,listen lady…no-one lives there anymore…he moved-out…

whatdya mean he moved out…

he got kicked out…him and the broad he was livin’ with…too many calls to the cops…too many fights…junkies comin’ an’ goin’ throughout the night…just got outta’ hand…

so you snitched…

didn’t have to…see that camera in the corner…, i pointed up at the ceiling…,it catches everything we do…you can’t make a move in this joint without bein’ watched…

well who called the cops…

the other brother who lives across from me…all he wanted was some sleep…i don’t blame him…

so you didn’t call no-one…

no…

the nigga’ ‘cross the hall did…

…sure…

when did he get kicked-out…

don’t know…it’s been vacant for about a week or two i guess…

well where did he go to…

lady…what do i look like…

he’s got my shit…

well somebody somewhere’s got everyody’s shit…i been missin’ my shit for years…have you seen my shit…’cause i can’t find it…

i ain’t seen your shit…

fine…now go home…get some sleep…

I sleep in my car bitch…

that’s as good a place as any…

say… you wanna blowjob for $20…

naw…i can’t sis…down on your luck huh…

you sure…I’m real good at it…

i’ll bet you’re a real pro…hold-on a second…,closed the door and got a $5 from my dresser…,here…take this…

I said $20…

i’m givin’ you a $5 for nothin’…no services rendered…now go get somethin’ to eat…

so he don’t live there no more..

vacant baby…the place is vacant…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

took a bus ’round town…saw old men hitting on young girls…offering cigarettes and other charms…two at a time…like birds of prey coming-in for the kill…like a field mouse she ran…only to be followed…only to be followed…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

watched people at a coffee-shop discuss business over lattes and cappucinos…quarterly reports due…sales quotas needing to be met…a woman staring into space…staring into space…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

sat in the park…smells of grilled onions from a diner ‘cross the street…tattooed mommas and greasy kids buying burger-bombs by the bag…Harley’s lined-up outside while a cool wind blew…kids playing grown-up going to office jobs to sell their souls for the day…sell their souls for the day…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

walking home…taking in the usual events of everyday…people…smells…sounds of sirens…baby-strollers being pushed by young mom’s…where’s daddy…where’s daddy…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

nobody can tell me there’s a god…just doesn’t make sense…but…there’s somethin’ out there…somethin’…

yeah…there’s somethin’…

woke-up in the middle of the night…never wake-up in the middle of the night…always just sleep right through…like a kid worn out from a day of playin’…never wake-up ‘fore five in the mornin’…other night was different though…different…

how so…

got-up just after midnight…’round one I guess…maybe it was half after…not sure…but for some reason I put my glasses on… could see the computer screen just clear as day… saver sayin’…,MARLENE LOVES THAD…MARLENE LOVES THAD…over and over…in red letters…love letters…

huh…really…

nobody can tell me there’s a god…can’t prove it to me…somethin’ out there…somethin’…I guess…

mmm…yeah…see that…

lost Marlene three years ago to cancer…she was beautiful…had eyes that just said love…a welcoming love to all she came in contact with…never knew a stranger…I’d bring guys from the job site over just ta’ grab some cash ‘fore goin’ out for beers and she’d wind-up makin’ ’em a complete meal…whole time singin’ in Portuguese…she was Brazilian…damn it was sexy when she sang Portuguese…told her that was all I wanted to hear was that Portuguese…she’d laugh…

i’ll bet…

I ‘member the night she passed away…we sat there in the hospital…holdin’ hands…lookin’ at each other…didn’t cry…didn’t want her to see me cry…couldn’t do that to her…

right…right…

she took all her strength an’ wrapped her arms ’round me…tight as she could…she held me…real close to her face…our eyes were locked-in on each other…she was tellin’ me goodbye…didn’t say a word…didn’t have to…tellin’ me goodbye…

an’ the other night with that screen saver sayin’…MARLENE LOVES THAD…MARLENE LOVES THAD…that was her…that was her that done that…her ghost…spirit…somethin…that was her…

yeah…probably was…

let me tell you somethin’…if there is a god…first thing I’m gonna’ ask him is why he took my Marlene…why’d he do that…an’ I’m not gonna’ be scared of him…no fear…but…I’ll ask him…I’m gonna’ ask him…

nobody can tell me that there’s a god…just doesn’t make sense…but…there’s somethin’ out there…somethin’…

i look at this river…
tis high and brown…
fish make ripples in it’s murky waters…
a log floats past…

trees dangle above…
green leaves waiting for autumn…
ready for the big sleep…
soon October will come…

birds flutter just ‘bove…
doing nose-dives…
loopty loops…
to be in flight…to be in flight…

i look at this river…
tis high and brown…
fish make ripples in it’s murky waters…
a log floats by…

instant coffee…
powdered cream…
microwave popcorn…
jar of peanut butter…
generic strawberry preserves…

saltine crackers…
Sam’s Cola…
lemon cookies…
off-brand Oreos…
jugs of water…

Women by Bukowski…
pictures of Paris…
unwashed clothes…
old phone numbers…
an ice-cube tray…
$6 in the bank…

it’s that time of the month…