dmseay

these streets are tired…
girls pace from corner to corner…
boys in blue roll-by…
midnight strolls…

i watch from above…
kids on stolen bicycles…
chains on trees droop to cement ground…
mom’s worry…dad’s gone…

spray-painted gang signs…
crowns and numbers…
letters of warning…
stay away…stay away…

and dime bags are sold…
nickel bags bought…
the cost of business…
over 100 dead in a month…push baby push…

these streets are tired…
girls pace from corner to corner…
boys in blue roll-by…
midnight strolls…

no…i’m not in Vermont…yes…the colors are amazing…reds and golds…yes…but i’m not there…it is gorgeous…mountains…overnight…it is beautiful…i’m not there…no…not in Vermont…i’ve seen Lake Champlain…i know…yes…getting to be ’bout that time…yes…the waters are cold…yes…ice cold…yes it is amazing…everything is amazing…yes…i’m calling from New York…
no…not upstate…yes…New York is close to Vermont…it is beautiful…yes…what…no…no…i’m in the city…yes…New York City…it is big…uhuh…lots of people…yes…too many people…listen…just listen…no…i have not seen the Statue of Liberty…uhuh…no…i need you to listen to me…please listen…what…no…Bloomberg is no-longer mayor…yes…he was for a long time…i don’t know if he’d make a good president…just hear me…listen…no…no sir…the leaves have not changed yet…they are still green…yes…it is August…yes sir…yes…i am sure…i’m calling from Bellevue…yes…Bellevue…it’s in Manhattan…yes…New York…what…it’s a hospital…yes…no sir…look…please listen…just listen…dad…dad…well…sort-of…no pop…i have to go now…yes…i’ve been to Vermont…i know…the colors are beautiful…no dad…no…i’m on the 12th floor…the 12th floor…it is not a hotel sir…no…it is not…yes dad…Bellevue…yes…like on Barney Miller…the crazy house…yes…that’s the one…no dad…no…a while…i said a while…i have to go…people need to use this phone…no dad…no…i don’t need you to come get me…no i do not…please pop…please…goodbye dad…i said goodbye…mom’s dead dad…yes…i’m sorry…yes…i have to go now…i have to go…bye…bye-bye…..she passed-away last March…no i wasn’t there…i was not…i couldn’t afford a ticket…no dad…no…i’m sorry…yes dad…i have to go now…i don’t know when i’m getting out…no…i don’t know…i have to go now…i’m sorry ’bout mom…yes…O.K. …bye now…bye…

she kept callin’ him…askin’…,how’s it goin’…whatcha up to…where ya’ been…, always real nice…kept sayin things like…,can’t wait ta’ see ya’…it’s been too long…I’ll keep the light on…,he’d just growl as he hung-up…

she kept callin’ him…tellin’ him…,I got a date tonight…he’s not as good lookin’ as you…not as smart…not as sophisticated…, he’d get off the phone and lay in bed for days on-end thinking of nothing but the need to be alone…

she kept callin’ him…requesting his presence at her downtown loft…the swanky part of town…away from the poverty he lived-in…,come spend a couple of days with me honey…,she’d say…,you won’t be sorry…don’t ya’ want some homecookin’…don’t ya’ want your baby to take care of ya’…,he suffered in silence…

she kept callin’ him…bein’ sweet as honey…gettin’ to the point of it all…usin’ words like romance…love…forever…

he stopped answerin’ the phone…

all night-long she kept knocking on the door down the hall…drunken demands to open-up…,open this god-damned door you motherfucker…,she yelled throughout the night…,I want my shit back…come-on…open-up…,the bruised woman cried…

hey…, i said…,listen lady…no-one lives there anymore…he moved-out…

whatdya mean he moved out…

he got kicked out…him and the broad he was livin’ with…too many calls to the cops…too many fights…junkies comin’ an’ goin’ throughout the night…just got outta’ hand…

so you snitched…

didn’t have to…see that camera in the corner…, i pointed up at the ceiling…,it catches everything we do…you can’t make a move in this joint without bein’ watched…

well who called the cops…

the other brother who lives across from me…all he wanted was some sleep…i don’t blame him…

so you didn’t call no-one…

no…

the nigga’ ‘cross the hall did…

…sure…

when did he get kicked-out…

don’t know…it’s been vacant for about a week or two i guess…

well where did he go to…

lady…what do i look like…

he’s got my shit…

well somebody somewhere’s got everyody’s shit…i been missin’ my shit for years…have you seen my shit…’cause i can’t find it…

i ain’t seen your shit…

fine…now go home…get some sleep…

I sleep in my car bitch…

that’s as good a place as any…

say… you wanna blowjob for $20…

naw…i can’t sis…down on your luck huh…

you sure…I’m real good at it…

i’ll bet you’re a real pro…hold-on a second…,closed the door and got a $5 from my dresser…,here…take this…

I said $20…

i’m givin’ you a $5 for nothin’…no services rendered…now go get somethin’ to eat…

so he don’t live there no more..

vacant baby…the place is vacant…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

took a bus ’round town…saw old men hitting on young girls…offering cigarettes and other charms…two at a time…like birds of prey coming-in for the kill…like a field mouse she ran…only to be followed…only to be followed…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

watched people at a coffee-shop discuss business over lattes and cappucinos…quarterly reports due…sales quotas needing to be met…a woman staring into space…staring into space…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

sat in the park…smells of grilled onions from a diner ‘cross the street…tattooed mommas and greasy kids buying burger-bombs by the bag…Harley’s lined-up outside while a cool wind blew…kids playing grown-up going to office jobs to sell their souls for the day…sell their souls for the day…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

walking home…taking in the usual events of everyday…people…smells…sounds of sirens…baby-strollers being pushed by young mom’s…where’s daddy…where’s daddy…

nothing came today…
no dreams…nor thoughts…
the mind’s absence…

nobody can tell me there’s a god…just doesn’t make sense…but…there’s somethin’ out there…somethin’…

yeah…there’s somethin’…

woke-up in the middle of the night…never wake-up in the middle of the night…always just sleep right through…like a kid worn out from a day of playin’…never wake-up ‘fore five in the mornin’…other night was different though…different…

how so…

got-up just after midnight…’round one I guess…maybe it was half after…not sure…but for some reason I put my glasses on… could see the computer screen just clear as day… saver sayin’…,MARLENE LOVES THAD…MARLENE LOVES THAD…over and over…in red letters…love letters…

huh…really…

nobody can tell me there’s a god…can’t prove it to me…somethin’ out there…somethin’…I guess…

mmm…yeah…see that…

lost Marlene three years ago to cancer…she was beautiful…had eyes that just said love…a welcoming love to all she came in contact with…never knew a stranger…I’d bring guys from the job site over just ta’ grab some cash ‘fore goin’ out for beers and she’d wind-up makin’ ’em a complete meal…whole time singin’ in Portuguese…she was Brazilian…damn it was sexy when she sang Portuguese…told her that was all I wanted to hear was that Portuguese…she’d laugh…

i’ll bet…

I ‘member the night she passed away…we sat there in the hospital…holdin’ hands…lookin’ at each other…didn’t cry…didn’t want her to see me cry…couldn’t do that to her…

right…right…

she took all her strength an’ wrapped her arms ’round me…tight as she could…she held me…real close to her face…our eyes were locked-in on each other…she was tellin’ me goodbye…didn’t say a word…didn’t have to…tellin’ me goodbye…

an’ the other night with that screen saver sayin’…MARLENE LOVES THAD…MARLENE LOVES THAD…that was her…that was her that done that…her ghost…spirit…somethin…that was her…

yeah…probably was…

let me tell you somethin’…if there is a god…first thing I’m gonna’ ask him is why he took my Marlene…why’d he do that…an’ I’m not gonna’ be scared of him…no fear…but…I’ll ask him…I’m gonna’ ask him…

nobody can tell me that there’s a god…just doesn’t make sense…but…there’s somethin’ out there…somethin’…

i look at this river…
tis high and brown…
fish make ripples in it’s murky waters…
a log floats past…

trees dangle above…
green leaves waiting for autumn…
ready for the big sleep…
soon October will come…

birds flutter just ‘bove…
doing nose-dives…
loopty loops…
to be in flight…to be in flight…

i look at this river…
tis high and brown…
fish make ripples in it’s murky waters…
a log floats by…

instant coffee…
powdered cream…
microwave popcorn…
jar of peanut butter…
generic strawberry preserves…

saltine crackers…
Sam’s Cola…
lemon cookies…
off-brand Oreos…
jugs of water…

Women by Bukowski…
pictures of Paris…
unwashed clothes…
old phone numbers…
an ice-cube tray…
$6 in the bank…

it’s that time of the month…

there were all these cars lined-up in a row…sittin’ there…lookin’ like they was wantin’ to go…take-off somewhere…leave on a whim an’ never look back…

old Fords…Chevy’s…a Dodge or two…beat-to-shit-…a Toyota sat at the end…that’s what he used to drive…a Toyota…an’ he voted for Reagan…

never seen much of him growin’-up…was always outta’ town…away on business…ask mom where he went to an’ she’d just say…,away on business…,then she’d go back to snorin’ in the old LazyBoy…

one time he’d left for a long…long…time…took off in the middle of the night after he and momma got into this argument…can’t remember what they was fightin’ over…he said this an’ she said that…fightin’ like a couple of kids on a school playground…saw him grabbin’ a Pepsi outta’ the ice-box while she sat there with her arms folded…

when you comin’ back…,she demanded…,can’t just get-up an’ go whenever you want …you got responsibilities you know…,momma got all flustered…gave-up as he walked out the door an’ started-up the old Toyota…

that car started-up just fine…he put it in reverse an’ it went down the dirt driveway just fine…headlights worked just fine…an’ he left for a month or two…just fine…

we ate a lotta’ pinto beans an’ hamhocks while he was gone…used to chew on the fat…my brothers an’ me…the flavor got to be real good…especially with hot pepper sauce put on it…we’d soak-up the drippin’s from the beans with homemade cornbread from a Jiffy box…waitin’ on him to come through that door…we waited…an’ waited…

nobody knew where he went to…when he came back didn’t nobody ask…he just sat in silence every night…an’ the old Toyota didn’t move for a long…long…time…parked in the driveway forever it seemed till one day it was gone…just gone…

things just go-away…

and we drove ‘cross Indiana…into Illinois…the southern tip…past East St. Louis…got-on 55 headin’ towards Memphis…he didn’t know where he was goin’…just goin’…drivin’ like a madman…a slowed down madman…couldn’t get that old Chevy past 60…don’t know if it was the car or somekind of fear inside of him…couldn’t go past 60…

kept talkin’ the whole time…kept askin’ if we left mom at that rest area a ways back…told him no…no…

she was with us…,he said…,just as plain as day…she was with us…,kept his eyes peeled on the road…,an’ we talked like old times…she asked ’bout you…asked how you were doin’…told her fine…told her you’d grown-up to be a fine man…a fine man…’member…

i told dad that mom had died last year…at a gas station in Northern Arkansas with the smell of alfalfa in the air…a hazy morning past midnight…heat lightning was goin’ off towards the west…maybe over in the Ozarks…

now damn it listen to me…,the old man said…,she was here…in this car…with us…you were talkin’ to her too…you smiled real big when I told her what a fine man you’d turned out to be…don’t you try to trick me…I’m too smart for ya’…I’ve been ’round time or two…she was here in this car an’ you can’t convince me otherwise…she nodded her head…listened an’ talked sometimes too…what’re you tryin’ to pull boy…

nothin’ pop…nothin’…why don’t you give me the keys…

whole family thinks I’m crazy…, he held the gold key out and then then pulled it back into his lined palm…,you’re the one that’s crazy…hear me…you’re the one that’s crazy…my faculties are together…I am sound…

i want that key dad…give me that key…,the old man grinned and opened the driver’s side door…,you want this key…I’ll give it to ya’ when we get to the next stop…we gotta’ go pick up your mom…

she’s dead dad…you can’t pick her up…

when did that happen…, he got into the car and started it up…, when did she die…

last year dad…last year…now turn-off the car dad…just turn-off the car…

well I’ll be damned…I’ll be damned…

dad…

see ya’ ’round…

that was a week ago…he’s still out there lookin’ for her…probably over in Texas somewhere…maybe New Mexico…who knows…he was hell-bent on findin’ her…yes he was…