a canvas bag…
anti-psychotics…
butcher’s knife…
Williams’, Paterson…
soiled underwear…
black tee…
holey socks…
Williams’, Paterson…
lip balm…
love letters…
Brute…
Williams’, Paterson…
rosary beeds…
rubbers…
pictures of you…
Williams’, Paterson…
quiet…
hum of a heater…
winter has settled…
only ashes remain…
is there someone in the backroom…
no dad…
mom’s not back there…
no…
the Old Testament sits on the table…
Yankee Candle…
Indian blankets cover torn chairs…
he’s waiting for you…
she’s not with us anymore…is she…
no dad…
didn’t go to the store…
no…
pictures of Amish kids playing…
baskets on counters…
a vase…
old sausage grinder…
where’d she go…
gone dad…
gone…
passed-on…
dogs silently wait by a closed door…
closed blinds…
tis morn…
the sun waits…
shame…
yes dad…
she’s left…
yes…shame…
dryer buzzer sounds…
clock ticks…
small light blinks…
day begins…
I’m ready…
for what dad…
to see her…
can you wait…
quiet…
hum of a heater…
winter has settled…
only ashes remain…
no…
can’t hold-out…
don’t wanna…
goodbye dad…
eating pickle-loaf…
empty Pepsi cans…
dogs growl…
piss-smell…
I like Kelly…,the old man says…
she’s my girl…,the blonde giggles…
What happened to that black guy…,he quizes…
gone pop…he’s gone…
dark house…
84 degrees…
a fan spins…
T.V. blares…
like her better by herself…,dad says…
just me an’ her in the mornin’…
me an’ her…
think she’d marry me…
pictures of mom keep her alive…
old clothes in closets…
a large numbered clock…
greased frying pans never washed…
oh she’s a sassy thing…,father crows…
she’ll tell ya ‘ bout it…
she divorced…
betcha she’s a handful…
eating pickle-loaf…
empty Pepsi cans…
dogs growl…
piss smell…
this was her favorite holiday…
oh yea…
well…Valentine’s and Christmas…
she liked them huh…
buy her chocolates…
right…
she’d sit right there and eat ’em…flowers…took her out one year…
some place nice…
oh yea…real nice…set me back a bill…she liked it…
‘ats good dad…
you goin’ over to see her today…
don’t know…you wanna go…
bring her some flowers…
you can give them to her…
I’d rather you went…too weak…too tired…she always said that…
what…
too tired….too weak..
‘ bout you…
yea…always tired…always have been…guess she was too…
…happy Valentine’s pop…
yea…happy Valentine’s…
writing under the influence…
captured by sun…
silence kills…
reaching-out…to anyone…
writing under the influence…
evening come…
voices down an alley lead me no-where…
looking for evidence…
writing under the influence…
vodka in a pretty bottle…
ginger beer…ginger beer…
friends…dear friends…they are what’s left…
writing under the influence…
wanting to touch you…
kiss your lips…
do i have to ask…
writing under the influence…
this spell you’ve cast…
nothing more lonely than being alone…
longing…just longing….
she loved red…
not a white gal…
no…red…
what kind of red…
red…just red…pinot…cabernet…shiraz…no matter…
as long as it was red…
yes…
and you…
don’t know…whiskey…vodka…Trazadone…
really…
things that put me out…get rid of pain…
pain…
yea…hurt from long ago…
see…
‘spose red’ll do that too…eliviate pain…get rid of what’s botherin’ ya’…’spose…
maybe…could…
yes…could…
gotta pinot grigio here…
naw…whites just add to your misery…
really…
anything light an’ airy an’ fun’ll eventually bite you in the ass…always go dark an’ mysterious…
huh…
put off till tomorrow what you should do today…
you’re drunk…
always…
cold…
yea…it’s cold…
how long you gonna stay out there…
long as it takes…
what’dya waitin’ on Jesus…
maybe…
well he ain’t commin’ back…
why don’tcha just shush…
look…I’m sayin’…
what…
cold…
yes…it is cold…that is established…
fix ya some coffee…
no thanks…
cream an’ sugar…way ya like it…
when you gonna…
come on now…
go on…
now honey…
get…
waitin’ on Jesus…
yep…waitin’ on Jesus…
well let me know when he shows up…
oh you’ll know alright…
God damn it get inside this house…
for what…
get warm…
just warmth…
….no…
what else…
listen…Jesus ain’t commin’…
when’d i last see you…where was it…in a hospital bed…long before that…
there were those endless drives ’round Indiana…sun going down…dark on county roads…’falfa fields mumbling…
amish would serve us dinner…broasted chicken and various forms of starch…with thick gravies…you loved apple butter…
when’d i last see you…belt in your hand…being young was the crime…how many have paid for that…
letters written to confidants…read aloud my secrets….never privacy…an open book…you opened it…
sundays in silence…the southern way…stories kept quiet…confessions never confessed…not without a threat…
when’d i last see you…not in that coffin…nor burned ashes did i collect…you were gone…gone
and that is fine…
let her go in the spring…
did…
yep…
why’d ya do that…
just’ta see…
see what..
see if she’d return…come back…
come back…
stay…maybe longer next time…
think she’s ’bout that…
I don’t…
ain’t never been the type…should’a figured that out…
how so…
history repeats itself…
that so…
yes…she’s done this time after time..an’ you…
fall for it…
yea…you do…
she come back…gonna enter her in the derby…
‘gain…
yea…she might win this time…
don’t count on it…
why so negative…
told ya…she ain’t the type…
to what…
to win…
we talkin’ ’bout the same filly…
thought we was…
an’ she’s not a winner…
long-shot by far…
you wouldn’t…
not on your life…how many times has she played this…these tricks…she don’t even let you lead…
‘ats how she is…
right…
we’ll see…
yea..
saddle-up…
yep…
a light shines…
‘cross the street…
perhaps a reflection…
night is black…
no stars…
moon does not beam…
but that light…
glows…
radiates…
it gives comfort…
in the dark…
there can be comfort…
hope it’s real…
dmseay 