dmseay

whered’ya go..where…sent a search party out for ya’ in the middle of the night…flashlights…hounds sniffin’…tryin’ to find a trace…nothin’…

there was tracks from long ago…left by others…who knows…probably been out there for years…runnin’…all of ’em…just runnin’…

leavin’ lives behind ’cause they couldn’t take it no-more…some passionless life..dull…kisses that sent ’em nowhere…hopin’ for the moon…

and runnin’ was all they knew how to do…lookin’ all around…cities…towns…trailer parks at four in the mornin’… the woods…outta hospitals where the freshly healed had been patched’up and sent back out into the wild…behind churches and abandoned cars with windows rolled down and torn interior…

a never ending search…for that one kiss…

is that where you went…

i looked all over for you…no-where..gone for good.. never one to stick around…

prayers at St. Xavier’s…visited each station…lit candles…just like we used to…remember that…in the name of the Father…the Son…and the Holy Spirit…

walked ’round Washington Square…bums on benches…protest signs…selfies sent into space…no-longer…magic was missing…words vanished..empty…

and at Union…nothing…junkies walking on stilts…spice-heads floating above… hopeless heading no-where…candy-bar wrappers mixed in with autumn’s paint…no-one had seen ya’….

down by the Hudson…where meditative states took us away from troubles mounting in Manhattan…reading and chanting for inner-peace while plotting the next move…nothing concrete…come- out…come-out

i looked for traces of poetry at The Port Authority…3 in the morning… a tranny said she saw a lyric earlier…but nothing stuck… waltzed down 8th Avenue…nobody called-out…no-one cared….

the poem is gone…never coming back…maybe it found a warm seat on the subway…or…a cool cocktail lounge Uptown…gone is gone…

we’ll meet again…when money’s tight…when a broad breaks your heart…when you’re hungry again…when you’re hungry…

til then…all bets are off…

she walked along the Northshore night…listening… songs from past…oldies…she liked those…

sometimes a sorprano voice would sing…call…no-one was near…pathway…jagged rocks climbed…stones skipped…never was i known…

stars… waves befriended her.. counseled…through sickness… fallen friendships… loss of love…water’s words soothed…nothing else could…

nature… purity giving hope…painted toes glistened..sandals carried…waves from boats rolling…sending messages…yes…yes…

let’s stay out on this eve…til dawn comes…it will … new day granted…yet..in this moment…let us be…please…

you at peace…this i ask..wash your feet… sing-out…you will be heard…you will be heard…

and i will watch…

say he went crazy…just got-up and quit one day…spent years in the bug-house… booby-hatch…crazy farm…that’s what I heard…

went off and married some hooker in Bangladesh…maybe it was Bangkok…anyway…it was a prostitute…probably Asian…he always liked the exotic…too damn exotic for likes of ’round here…

d’ya ever really talk to the guy…strange…read books all the time…listened to jazz…what a nut-case… he’s rottin’ away in some mental ward…wouldn’t ‘sprise me…

spotted up in Chicago….then he went everywhere a soul could go…flyin’ ’round America on foot…hitchin’ rides from truckers…odd jobs…livin’ in homeless shelters…sleepin’ under bridges…beggin’ in the streets like one ah those foriegn Gypsies in Paris…who knows…who cares

d’ya try the pizza rolls…

and you’re in this for what…love…sex…aspirations of greatness…forget it..this is out of your jurisdiction…this cannot be controlled…only you can prevent forest fires…right…

but…you say this can be done…these dreams made of fairy dust at midnight…go ahead…be my guest.. I’m not gonna’ watch…a man being slaughtered is not in my interest…never has been…

you…you’re different…see things maybe that I don’t..hell…maybe I don’t wanna’ see…ever think ah that.. maybe this deal…this cooked-up notion in your head is just that…a half-baked deal only you have…not the rest of us…

think about it my friend…nobody else is carrying a torch…not a one of us is thinking of future engagements…just the here and now…that’s clarity…yes…clarity…

so…go ’bout this business of happiness…see how far it’ll getcha…I’ll take that action..what’d you say…

you make the call….

Miller’s folks were Nordic…that is to say idiots…the unsophisticated…the inept…not intellectualy curious in the least…Protestants to be sure…there is either a heaven or hell don’t you know…

all through life an escape was planned…leave this Nordic pride far far behind…books were read…travels made…the exotic explored…only to discover what…this Nordic life was epidemic…

the black and white only…scared of art…fear of sex…what’d you mean you’re not voting….this expectation in participation of numbness…no life…just dead weight…eat..drink and shit all on cue…clean…very clean…

no smells of spilt wine…nor burnt garlic…no dance…nor embrace..only  antiseptic…an on-going air of forever Monday morning….work work work was the order…eating…drinking…merriment…that was for fools ..those that did not awake in the American dream…those that did not awake…

well…im still asleep…not in darkness…not in darkness..

he sits in that chair throughout the day and night…eating ice-cream floats…Pepsi poured over chocolate…flipping through channels swiftly…taking-in nothing…just pictures flying through air…

go get me some doughnuts, the old man orders, and another 24 case…we’re outta’ Pepsi aren’t we…can’t have that…run on up to the store now…I’ll pay ya’ later..,some things never change…

this old man…this worn-out would’ve could’ve should’ve patriarch of peasants… now in the September of his years…and the sweetness of autumn does not ring true…not for him…

I never read a book, he told me, never ever wanted to…it bores me…no interest in it at all…just didn’t…don’t know why, continuing to go through the cable line-up…

remembering the times of questions..school work…math..pop was a mathematician…logic..this world was built on logic…

a young boy needing help with equations…only to be shoved away..swatted with Playboy’s, Bo Derek issue rolled-up in hand…, Can’t you see I’m busy…, i see dad…i see…

you know…I’ve had dinners at The New York Athletic Cub…The Los Angeles Athletic Club…and The Louisville Athletic Club…you pull outta a cigarette in those joints they light it for ya’right on the spot…kinda places I used to go to…you ever been in any of those?…no pop…i have not….I didn’t think so….

that was always the case…an insecure man who went from the breast of his mom to the teats of his wife…not a single minute alone…always in the company of caretakers…always…always…

and now the old man sits…puzzled… confused…dazed by what life has dealt…blow by blow by blow…ever so bitter…

and me…i listen…

hours spent…looking….for what… connections… old friends…comrades who took you in…fed and clothed…gave warmth to…listened…remember me….

past lovers… those that got away…or left…split on nights when insanity got to be too much…that’ll happen…nothing’s a sure thing…

with a blue light a-glow…in darkness…looking for names…photographs…familiar faces…hoping…just hoping you are not forgotten…past sins forgiven…no judgements made…this never-ending search…completion is needed…

and what…no-one’s there…left long ago like allies after a war…the battles fought and the question asked…who were you…

no-one…i was no-one…

ghosts haunt me…keep showing-up like uninvited guests at a birthday party…a wedding…a funeral…

i knew these spirits…these wandering souls like myself…curiosity got the best of us…off to this city..over to that state…up and down coast- lines…never…never…to grow old…yes…never…

to awaken in a naked pile on a beach in Michigan….to drink all night til 4….running ’round  Chicago in search of music…drink…and madness…sleeping in a packed Dodge parked along a seedy Montreal street…foriegn tongues whisper in the night…

these ghosts know not what they do…old scars have not healed…memories are all that is left…of madmen..poets…singers…actors..musicians….there was always a midnight dance…gone…gone…gone…now just spirits…tired…wornout pasts…

ghosts haunt me…

I seen him out there walkin’ on the lake…talkin’ some shit ’bout loaves and fishes…turnin’ water into wine…hair comin’ down past his ass…

always knew he was a trouble maker…ever since when he was a kid and he gave the elders a piece of his mind…feed the hungry…take care of your fellow man…ain’t nobody takin’ care of me.

this is America…ain’t no free lunch here…hell…that school lunch program’s been done away with for a while now…welfare to work motherfucker…took care of that shit lickety split…

and now this long-haired Jewboy talks this socialism shit…free this…entitlement after entitlement…big government programs that cost too much…who the hell does he think he is…the son of God….

’bout had enough of his liberal talk…gonna’ go down to the gun store this weekend and come Sunday when he’s talkin’ in the town square…I’ll show ’em the gates of Heaven…son-of-a-bitch…

hand me another PBR…here’s to the home of the free boys…God bless America…Afuckinmen……