dmseay

He used to love early mornings. A coffee cup sitting on the patio table. Some whiskey poured in for good measure. 

Tall grass waved in the breeze. Sand leading out to the lake was still cool on calloused feet as light broke darkness. A kid’s castle destroyed by morning’s tide.

I used to watch from my bedroom window. Sometimes, I could hear him talking. Mumbling about how it used to be. Days of war. A flag flown overhead.

In afternoons, hot dogs were grilled. White smoke going up to the heavens. A new pope had been elected, the old man said. Pope Grandpa the 1st, he proclaimed. Then he he’d bless us with his steady hands. We all laughed. Highball glasses replaced coffee cups.

A bonfire on the beach was our nightly ritual. Grandmother and Grandfather sitting on folding chairs sinking into the sand. Singing old songs.  The ones Sinatra sang. Burnt wood left behind.

Down the hall at midnight, I’d hear him crying, talking out loud. Saying, one day, this will all be over. One day.

A hunter followed me to Walden Pond, where tall oaks casted shadows, and pine needles covered the ground.

I heard him behind me on I-95 going south to Baltimore only to turn around and head north to Philadelphia where statues in parks whispered my name.

He chased me in New York all over town, from the Bronx Zoo to Washington Square. Yelled at me on the 6 train going to Brooklyn; a mad man beating a drum. Never was there solace.

In Maine, looking out at the Atlantic, I thought there was peace. His waves crashed against rocks, and seagulls flew over.

I watched as sunlight grew dark. The radio played jazz from another time. WKCR remembered Miles Davis. And so did I. Peace had come. I was no longer hunted.   

Have you ever been to Oakland?

No. Not physically.

Spirituality?

Sort of.

How do you mean?

I fell in love with this woman on the phone. We used to talk every day. Sometimes, till three in the morning. Talking on the phone. A couple of thousand miles away. It’s amazing how hearts reach that far. 

They say Oakland has a lot of crime.

Couldn’t tell you. We didn’t talk about crime. Talked about meeting one day. No more of this phone stuff.

Why didn’t you drive out there?

To Oakland?

Yeah.

Too scared of truth.

She reported the news wearing a red dress. Vehicular homicide on the Southside was the opening story; her mascara was thick. It accentuated her dark eyes.

He wore a blue suit with a yellow tie and an American flag on the lapel. His blonde hair was parted to the side; looked like a strange Ken doll. The anchorman responded with his story about hold-ups on the Westside. No one was killed or injured. Money was handed over in a shopping bag.

The weather girl told of a high covering the Midwest with storms brewing out West, mudslides in California, and tornadoes in Oklahoma. Nine people were reported missing. 

And in sports, White Sox lost again, the smooth Italian said. Will this season ever end?

Pictures at 11:00.

A blood-stained tee-shirt. Dark. Almost black. Funny how colors change. 

He dug up dirt in the backyard. Rich soil, no clay. Ran his fingers through it. Felt the earth. Said, we come from earth, we return to earth. Placed the body of his child down in the hole.

Stars shined down on him. A new day was about to begin. 

The two men drank whiskey and fished off the river bank. Muddy waters were high. Tree limbs floated past them. They fished for catfish but would take anything that hit their lines.

Do you remember that girl in Mississippi? Jimmy asked as he cast his line again. Now, there was a woman, they both laughed. All dolled up wearing a tight red dress. My dad always told me to beware of women wearing red dresses, his friend reeled in a tree branch he’d been pulling on, untangled it, and threw the bobber out into the Kankakee once again. Women down south are better, he said. They’re freer.

You mean easy, Bobby Lee said. Hell. You can walk into any bar in Virginia, Tennessee, even Texas, and walk out with something.

Especially Texas.

Yeah. That’s true.

Women up north are more cautious.  They take their time. Get to know you.

Not too much time, they laughed.  But yeah. Not like Dixie.

The waters rolled swiftly.  Rain clouds formed to the east. They’re all good, Jimmy said. All of them.

Yeah. I suppose so.

They pulled beers from the Styrofoam cooler. Made a toast to women and clanked their cans. Lightening was seen. Thunder was heard.

That’s a goddess, he said. Telling us it’s time to go home.

They always do.

Late spring falls into early summer. Autumn’s leaves mixed in mulch. Soon, swimmers will be swimming in a green lake. Lilly pads float by.

Kids dig in dirt. Parents plant azaleas and lavender. Grills burn charcoal. Smoke rises and dogs salivate.

Dead soldiers remembered by a few. Flags placed at graveside. Small stars and stripes waved at parades. Majorettes march by. A band plays.

This holiday is brought to you by Budweiser.

Cool breezes blew through the house in the month of May. He sat in darkness, drinking coffee and eating cookies. The cat slept behind the toilet.

Fifty-two years of marriage, he thought. Time spent on watching kids. A daughter’s first dance. His son’s first fight; a black eye given to him by a fat boy down the street. I never liked him, the granddad said out loud. He was boastful. Just like his father. I think he was arrested for selling junk bonds. The old man added Irish cream to his coffee.

What will become of me? he whispered. Who will I be in my next life? he asked God. Could I be an Indian boy in New Delhi? A tribesman in Africa? The prime minister of England? Thoughts and questions raced through his mind. How much time do I have?

Years, a voice said, hands on his shoulders. You have years. He turned around, and no one was there.

That’s funny. I could’ve swore I heard her talking.

A cool breeze blew through the house in the month of May.

You don’t work anymore.

Work is overrated.

How do you make ends meet? How do you survive? This country isn’t too hard, but it’s hard enough. To live that is. You have to have a roof over your head. You gotta eat.

Who says? Expectations. America places too many expectations on you. It builds this personality of greed. People want everything. New clothes, house, shiny car, food in their stomachs. I say it’s the simple life for me. All I need is a book and a piece of bread; rye if you have it. But I’m not picky, he said. When I was a kid I didn’t want for any thing. I was happy with my Pop Tarts and glass of milk. Loved my bicycle. Used to ride it all over the village. Through back roads and Main Street. Watched women holding the hands of children. Saw men stumbling out of bars, he lit a cigarette. And even at that age, I thought, is this all that people want? Maybe they were happy. Who knows? But I made up my mind then not to follow that path. Decided I didn’t need anything. Just my legs to get me places. My back to sleep on. Brains to think, he crushed his cigarette on the sidewalk. Pushed it over into the grass with the toe of his torn shoe. I know what you’re thinking. Right? the two men looked at each other. I’m a bum. Right? Gave up. That’s what you’re thinking. And maybe I am. Maybe I did. But I wake up with no guilt. None. Can you say that?

The younger man looked at him. Tilted his eyes towards the ground.

You lied to a guy over a business deal. Cheated on your wife. Never spend time with the kids. Worried about going over the mileage for that oil change, they both laughed. No. I do not live in that world. Never did. it’s not for me.

You assume too much, the father of four said. I’m quite happy. Quite happy indeed.

When was the last time you made love to your wife?

I don’t see…

When?

It’s been a while.

For some, it’s months. Years. And they still say they are happy. Happy? I guess we’re all happy.

A small room with lamps all over the place. Standing lamps, desk lamps, table lamps, Coleman lanterns, bulbs burning.

He sat in the light. A dim light. Making shadows on the walls. A wax candle and a knife lay out before him. He carved different shapes and placed initials in it. R.S.  stood out on the side. He lit it and watched it begin to melt. Put on a record by John Coltrane: A Love Supreme. Saw black smoke rising from the red candle. Decided to turn off the lamps and just watch it glow.

He remembered lighting candles in a church when he was a kid. Sent prayers up to heaven. Asking God for miracles. Save his granddad, save his mom, feed the world. Stop all wars. His prayers never came true. Never answered.

Now he just looked on as the candle burned in the dark until the flame eventually went out. Sat there in his room. Looked out the window at the flickering streetlights. A neon sign above a furniture store across the street. He began to cry. Sad.

The lamps were turned back on. He hated the dark.