dmseay

she always worried ’bout money…there was never enough…it flowed like beer from the tap…contained inna glass…swallowed…thirsty for more…more $50’s…$20’s…more $10’s…somethin’ to get her through the night…so she wouldn’t have to worry ’bout money…

and she blamed her old man for their lack of financial success…shamed him in public for bein’ poor…unable to make ends meet…unable to keep up with her demands for money…more money…never-ending money…

he did everything…stocked shelves overnight…worked in factories…collected tin cans…sold all his possessions…for money…which became her money…spent on drinks and good times…he counted loose change…

money became misery…he despised every payday…cashin’ the checks at the currency exchange…they got their pound of flesh too…

then there was nothing…the well ran dry…he’d had enough…no more money…no more good times…no more suffering…locked himself away and never came out…his days of bein’ a plowhorse were over…done with money…

she moved onto the next sucker…and the sucker after that sucker…all for money…it was all ’bout money…

this voice…
your voice…
draws me near…
haunts me at night…
making me re-think my steps…
twisting the blade ever so gently…
this voice…

this voice…
your voice…
I cannot run from…
forcing me to listen…
hushed tones…
pregnant pauses…
this voice…

this voice…
your voice…
unheard by others…
I was chosen…
a cut never felt so good…
then silence…just silence…
this voice…

for years they carried on like that…passin’ each other like ghosts down a dark hallway in the middle of the night…she goin’ to her room…he went to his…stopped sharin’ a bed long time ago…said it was his snorin’…she talked in her sleep…

stopped kissin’ each other too…got to the point they wouldn’t even embrace…neither one tried…he’d sit in his Lazy-Boy watchin t.v. and drinkin’ a cold one…she’d be on the couch readin’ People…Better Homes and Gardens…Reader’s Digest…somethin’ to pass time…too much time…

twenty-five years gone-by…rings on swollen fingers…love left awhile ago…leaves raked in the Fall…yard mowed in the Summer…appearances were kept up…he’d go down to the Shriner’s lodge…she with her Bible study on Wednesday nights…the good book said til death do we part…til death do we part…

and he had big plans…he was gonna be a foreman…wound-up goin’ from job to job to job…assembly lines…bus driver…road crew worker…grocery stocker…anything to bring home a check…vacations spent under the hood of a car…nailin’ down thresholds…steam cleanin’ carpets…dreamed of goin’ ‘cross country…just dreamed…

she was a church secretary…answered phones…fetched pastor’s coffee…typed the Sunday program…wanted to go-off and do missions work…spread the word of God…got used to bein’ used to…corns grew on her feet…

Life just slips away…,they thought quietly…,Dreams die in a hurry…,never said a word…was written on their faces…

for years they carried on like that…passin’ each other like ghosts down a dark hallway in the middle of the night…

took a bus down South to see his true love…never met her before…spent weeks writing notes back and forth…professin’ this undyin’ need to hold each other…touch one another…thirsty kisses…

met online…some dating pinup board where men look for women…women look for men…all wantin’ lastin’ love…soul mates…lonely people in midnight’s hour sendin’ out flares…hopin’ for fireworks…

they’d both been heartbroken…couple of divorces ‘tween ’em…pounds put on over the years…emotional baggage from past loves…ones that got away…some who didn’t go away fast ‘nough…

never talked…just textin’…maybe they’d grown wary of the human voice…scared to be naked…conversations edited…auto correct was always on…

and they were both hopeless romantics…wantin’ somethin’ you can’t find in america anymore…unconditional love…to be taken in from the cold with band aids and stitches…told you’re beautiful…you’re wanted…you’re loved…

dice was thrown…another risk at heartache…whatif’s bounced in their heads…what if I’m too fat…too poor…too tanned…too old…too…there’s always a too…fear’s what drove ’em…hopin’…prayin’…that maybe this time was the right time…all would fall into place…Spring’s magic would seal the deal…never needin’ to come back up for air…

took a bus down South to see his true love…had never met her before…

he was haunted…scared of silence…not a sound ‘cept the hum of a refrigerator..lookin’ outta window at snow comin’ down…taken in by the moment…watchin’ cars disappear and tree limbs bend under an orange haze…street lights fool ya…

remembered bein’ a kid…sittin’ on top of air vents to keep warm in a shanty up on the Indiana Michigan line…mom makin’ hot chocolate and daddy scrapin’ ice off an old truck…gettin’ ready for first shift…a train wailed…

wantin’ to wander…go out into the white night and breath again…a tranquil state…walkin’ ‘mongst snowflakes fallin’ from the sky…a grown man tryin’ to catch ’em with his tongue…dancin’…just dancin’…

down alleyways Mexicans rattle through trashcans in search of gold…lookin’ for a piece of america…as bars let out and men go silent into the night…back to their rented rooms…southside shacks…half-heated efficiencies…and makeshift mobile homes…

it is this we take solace in…poverty’s pleasures…not much offered…just riches from the heavens on a snowy night…out collectin’…out collectin’…memories and magic…

he was haunted…scared of silence…

she wanted love…
real love…
kind that hits you in the guts…
leaves a mark…
never quits…

she wanted love…
something unconditional…
fat and ugly…old and worn out…
take me as I am…
awakened in the purple hours…

she wanted love…
arms wrapped ’round her…
kissed like never before…
turned on permanently…
a flame for a thousand years…

she wanted love…
taken care of…
hand held…
listened to…
listened to…

don’t we all…

ate three meals today…
flush…
rent got paid…
another month of phone service…
it’s the little things…

read poetry and prose…
listened to jazz at all hours of night…
pictures…
drank cans of beer…
it’s the little things…

lay in bed…
warm as toast…
the couple down the hall won’t shut up…
their balling keeps me alive…
it’s the little things…

and i am alone…
it is dark…
it is suddenly quiet…too quiet…
where are you…
it’s the little things…

where were ya…looked all over…went to the bar…Wal-Mart…all the places you like to go…damned if I couldn’t find ya anywhere…it’s like ya just vanished…just clear out disappeared…you been practicin’ magic again…

silly…

well where were ya…called over at your mom’s…talked to her ’bout ten minutes…she wouldn’t let up…all this senseless chatter ’bout her and the old man goin’ to see Joel Osteen…said it changed her life…said profits…blessin’s from above should be comin’ any day now…

what’dya tell her…

congratulations…that’s what I told her…said she didn’t know where’s you were at…said if it was my business you’d have told me…

that’s momma…

well it is my business…got worried…gone for hours…come back here like it’s just part of nature…just the way things are…

maybe…

it’s not like I keep ya under lock and key…ain’t got that many rules…just worry ’boutcha…that’s all…

you really wanna know where I was at…you really wanna know…I don’t think you do…I really don’t think you do…you know what’s goin’ on ‘tween us…ain’t no sense carryin’ on like this…

spose so…

you pick up the kids at school…

they’re in the back playin’…playin’ house…that’s what kids do…they play house…

uh huh…I’ll get dinner ready…

went lookin’ all throughout the night…drivin’ ’round town in search of him…don’t know where he went to…just disappeared…like magic he was gone…one minute you see him in the flesh then poof…

what’dya think happened…

little things…little things addin’ up to big things…he was never stable…crazier than ten whores on crack…could never get it together…would just sit there talkin’ to himself at the bar…people’d look at him…didn’t even know they was there…just got more and more lost in himself…pretty soon he tuned out everybody…

what’dya mean…

stopped talkin’ all together…didn’t even ask for beers anymore…he’d just point at the tap…pull his money out…lay it on the bar…when it was gone he’d leave…walk out the door without a word said…silence…

nothin’…

nothin’…now nobody knows where he’s at…gone…maybe for good this time…he’s takin’ off ‘fore…but now it just seems like he ain’t gonna ever return…crazy son of a bitch…can’t help but like him…never tipped…didn’t matter…some guys…ya let ’em slide…

do you see that…

what…

Moon…

big thing in the sky…

yes…

looks strange this evening…

like a midnight Sun…

yes…yellows and reds…blues…all mixed in…

this means the end of the world…

that’s what folks say…

or it could be ’bout that time…

time…

time for it to do that…change colors and all…gases and air making it look a certain way…an unusual way…

an eclipse…

yeah…an eclipse…won’t happen again for some time to come…these things take their time…it’s all about nature…

and the gods…

if you buy that sorta thing…

beginning of the end of the world…

could be…it just might be…