dmseay

where’d ya go…

out…

out for a drive…

yeah…just out for a drive…

sure like drivin’…go out all the time…just drivin’ ’round…use up a lot of gas…always on E when I get in the car…

uh huh…

like bein’ by yourself…like your own company…I get the feelin’ you don’t want me ’round…why you with me anyway…just gonna go on drives all the time…

right…

right what…

just goin’ on rides all the time…eases me…calms me down…

there was a time I used to calm you down…still can…just like ridin’ a bike…

yeah…’spose…

why don’t you take me out for a ride…go out in the country…windows rolled down…go down some old gravel top road…maybe down by the lake in the evenin’ time…bunch of stars out…I won’t say a word…just silence…let you stay calm if you want…we could make it a ritual…somethin’ we do once or twice a week…

ritual huh…

just a thought…just a thought…

see…

I like rides…better than sittin’ here at home…just get out for a couple of hours…that’s all…

right…

where do you go on your rides honey…tell me…where do you go…I don’t ask too many questions…just curious…where do you go…

drive…just drive…go out to the edge of the county…turn back ’round…same course every night…been doin’ since high school…all there is to do in this town…just drive…

one of these days you’re gonna keep goin’…you will…I know you…just gonna keep goin’ till you can’t go no more…won’t even tell me…just one night you won’t come home…and that’ll be that…no more waitin’ up for you…you’ll be gone…you’ll be gone…

he’d sit and talk to himself for hours…just conversing in an empty room…talkin’ ’bout how he was tired of life…wantin’ to move onto the next round…heaven…reincarnation…paradise…what have you…just tired of this life on earth…

wasn’t a Christian or a Buddhist…followed no faith…was always amazed by those who did…blind belief…didn’t see how it fit into life…not his life anyway…

but he thought there was somethin’ on the other side…not sure what…maybe better…maybe not…maybe nothin’ at all…maybe just all eternity in a box…or a vase…talkin’ to himself…

spent a whole life just talkin’ to himself…couldn’t find any one else to talk to…

thought i was forgotten…hadn’t heard from her in awhile…dropped…done away with…left behind…waiting that whole time for a response…not a phone call…a message…nothing…a mystery as to what happened…we all have our suspicions…

said she got busy…’tween work and the kid she couldn’t keep her head on straight…just too much…somethin’ had to give…

so she stopped reachin’ out…gave up on dreams…wishes…only focus was the immediate…i could see her point…

just wish she would’ve told me…silence is a peculiar thing…leaves you guessing…you place blame on yourself…what’d i do wrong…that sorta thing…never stops…

yes…silence is a peculiar thing…

it’s 12:55…
night is going fast…
soon it’ll be here…
soon…

another day awaits…
cursed Sun…
long hours of light…
waiting…

and i stay in bed…
this mattress is my home…
covered in covers…
comforted by darkness…

moon’s light is never long enough…
morning comes too soon…
awakened by commerce…
sleep killed in the quick…

it’s 12:55…
night is going fast…
soon it’ll be here…
soon…

i hear workers cursing…
telling jokes…
who bought which round last night…

and they piss on dead rose bushes…
pouring coffee on grass…
staining the earth…

cigarettes shared…
more bravado…
something ’bout screwing a gym teacher…

jack-hammers rivet…
helmets worn…
Go Cubs…

they toil…
in winds of cold…
where’s my blanket…

I hear workers cursing…

it’s midnight…

she home yet…

car’s still gone…

where you think she went to…

who knows…

she’s been late before…

yeah…

few times…

shouldnt’ve…

what…

let her go…

she’s gonna do what she wants…

they just grow up so quick don’t they…

or they don’t grow up quick ‘nough…

why you think she’s so late…

could be droppin’ a friend off…

could be leavin’ town…

what makes you say that…

she’s gotta streak in her…

streak…

just like her old man…

how so…

always wantin’ to go…leave at the drop of a hat…just take off…leavin’ all responsibilities behind…

been a long time since that’s happened…

happened though…few times…every time somethin’ didn’t work out his way he’d take off…

you sayin’ she’s like the old man…

that’s what I’m sayin’…

he’d get good and drunk ‘fore he did it though…she’s not the drinkin’ type…

no…she don’t need no help…

you two have words ‘night…

we always have words…

he never liked havin’ words either…

spittin’ image…

it’s one o’clock…where you think she is…

could be parked with some boy down at the lake…not watchin’ the clock…

don’t know which is worst…takin’ off or with some boy down at the lake…

you wanna go out lookin’ for her…

just wait right here…just wait…

just wait…

just wait…

looked hungry…

hadn’t eaten for days…

why’s that…some kinda new diet…tryin’ to lose weight…

think he’s broke…

no money for food…

no money period…

what’s he gonna do…

he goes to St. Mary’s…the soup kitchen…

eats there…

gets some soup and bread…

we reap what we sew…

‘spose…

what does he spend his money on…

don’t know…rent…phone…there’s not much there to spend…

well…that’s his choice…

reckon…

are we ‘spose to feel sorry for him…

I don’t know…

does he beg…

nope…

steal…

don’t think so…

what does he do all day…

don’t know…some say they seen him at the library…

usin’ their bathrooms…

readin’ books…

can’t he work…

says he can’t focus…says he thinks all day ’bout doin’ himself in…

killin’ himself…

yep…

all day…everyday…

yes…

I see…

what…

what some people do to get outta work…

i hear the train wail…
moans…
where is it going…
doesn’t matter…
it’s leaving town…

and i have left town…
so many times…
wandering…
walking…
no happy tunes whistled…

those wild years…
running…
not from ghosts…
maybe myself…
truth…

now i settle…
alone…
facing demons…
and i do not run…
i’m done…

i hear the train wail…
moans…
where is it going…
doesn’t matter…
it’s leaving town…

I was thinking…

’bout what…

time we used to walk Floyd…

Floyd…

we’d take him every night…

yes…I remember…

was like our child…

he was…

had to always be out in front…

yes…

never at our side…

yes…out in front…

was a good dog…

great dog…

I miss him…

so do I…

I miss holding hands and walking him…

do you…

yes…I miss holding hands…

you wanted this…

I know…it’s best…

is it…

I miss Floyd…

yes…I miss Floyd…

what’s this yelling…
down the alleyway…
loud…
two voices…
cursing each other…
they won’t stop…

and here I sit…
watching…
a deal gone bad…
neither’s backing down…
cop cars cruise by…
too cold to bother with…

it’s cloudy…
no Sun…
these two are still yelling…
threats are made…
here come the cops again…
these negotiations are delicate…

no-body move…
they split in opposite directions…
sirens go-off…
I lose track of all this…
too much pressure…
maybe next time there’ll be a conclusion…