dmseay

she always complained of bein’ cold…never warm ‘nough for her…hours she’d just lay back in that Lazy-Boy shiverin’…sleepin’ ‘casionally…mumblin’ incoherently…always bringin’ up the past…never heard her talk of the present or the future…every sentence’d start with…,Do you remember the time…., then she’d go into some mumbled diatribe ’bout Malvern…talkin’ just to hear herself talk…she wondered if she were really alive…or if it was all just one big dream…

and she never went outside…big Sun settin’ in the Southwestern sky and she’d be curled-up in that Lazy-Boy…snorin’ in between words spoke by Pat Sajak as he’d spin that wheel for one last try at hope…a vacation getaway…new car…somethin’ to wish for…

then one day she was just gone…the Lazy-Boy was empty…t.v. was off…nobody saw her leave…or walk…didn’t see her float off to the great beyond…she was just gone…disappeared…leavin’ behind nothin’ but that recliner…we put it out in the garage…’case she come back…

his body was wiped out…
hadn’t eaten for days…
just drinkin’ orange juice….
pop a Pringle in his mouth…
small honey bun…

and he stayed up in that room…
lookin’ down below…
dumpsters picked by men in midnight hours…
skinny women runnin’ into abandoned buildings…
a tricycle in the alleyway…

yes…night time was quiet…
the hum of a motorbike…
cop cars and ambulances…
no guns goin’ off yet…
Summer will be here soon…

his body was wiped out…
hadn’t eaten for days…

the bus is always filled with desperate people…wanting to run from something…needing to run to something…escape is on their minds…

gotta get away from the old lady…,the Mexican sitting next to me said…,just too toxic…too toxic…,i nodded…,she starts drinkin’ then I start drinkin’…we don’t know when to stop…she takes a swing at me…I swing at her…it’s that Russian blood in her man…that Russian blood…

he said he was goin’ out to Iowa to stay with his mom for awhile…get some peace…called her from Ohio…asked if there was a bar close to the house…grinned…,back in business…,he said…,back in business…

she told me she just gotta little blue sometimes…depressed…,shook his head…,didn’t tell me ’bout the wild mood swings…how crazy she got when she had that vodka…things got crazy man…crazy…

just last week we celebrated seven years together…,he laughed…,took her to this casino above the falls…had a great time…for awhile…for awhile…then just outta the blue she sucker punches me…I’d had enough…had enough…

so…you’re runnin’ to Iowa…

yeah…runnin’ to Iowa…try my luck there…stay away from them Russians…there always up to no good…

we talked for hours that night…wasn’t a moment of silence…just two people gabbin’ away ’bout their lives…kids…ex-husbands…past lovers…talk of nothin’ on the horizon…lonely nights…lives that never got caught up…always behind…

she talked of this want…this need in her life to be needed…to be the one again…someone’s true love…said she hadn’t felt that in a long time…said it’d make her whole…put her back in touch with herself…she’d drifted for so long…

and I listened…comparin’ notes…thinkin’ ’bout a girl who’d gotten away years ago…a high school sweetheart that had left me for other opportunities…or did I leave her…we all leave sooner or later…one way or another…one way or another…

we kissed that night…at the end when there was nothin’ left to say…we kissed…two lonely people who’d found someone that listened…how rare is that…how rare is that…no promises made…no bold statements…just two people that shared with each other…yes indeed…how rare is that…

he was this kinda genius…didn’t know it…could answer any question you had…’bout anything…take an engine apart and put it back together blindfolded…tell each part by the feel of it in his hands…knew a spark plug was bad just by the smell of it…like he had a secondary sense ’bout him…

he’d take these slapped together cars and race ’em out on the turnpike in the early mornin’ darkness…old Chevys and beat-up Fords…Chryslers he’d stripped down clean…even had a couple of VW’s…loved watchin’ old Herbie The Love Bug movies with Dean Jones…one of his heroes…

had these dreams of bein’ a real success one day…not havin’ to lift a finger for another fella’…just work for himself…fixin’ cars…racin’…travelin’ ’round the world like Herbie…that’s what he wanted…that’s what he wanted…

never left Johnson City…spent his days workin’ for the man…all his paychecks spent on car parts and Pampers…couple of kids came his way…seemed to drift his dreams back a bit…quite a bit…to where there weren’t any dreams at all anymore…just thoughts…just thoughts…

would’ve could’ve should’ve…danced ’round his head at night…would’ve could’ve should’ve…choices we make…

i’d stay up all night listenin’ to rain…
drops of water softly hittin’ windows…
as trains wailed into darkness…
hum of motors in streets below…
a symphony really…

cop cars carryin’ criminals to holdin’ tanks…
ambulances vainly driving the dead down county roads…
wishes for more time…wishes for more time…
helicopters fly over a sleepin’ citizenry…
dreams keep ’em safe…

this darkness…
not a star in the sky…
just lights reflected off buildings…
oranges and yellows…oranges and yellows…
alone never felt so alone…

i’d stay up all night listenin’ to rain…

i am now that old man on the bus…lone traveler…seeing america ‘gain…gray hair greased back…mumbling what might’ve been…to myself…myself…

roads taken…choices…t’was choices…a search for what…for what…gold…riches…comfort…no…never did i seek…never…

mine was to run…not to be kept…placed on a shelf…left there with bankers and insurance salesmen…i ran…from america i ran…watching from a far…this race of fools…fools…seeking solace in shopping mall madness…the celebration of a parking space…it doesn’t take much…

no…these journeys in this land…were for love…the constant search for love…a lifetime spent chasing voices…whiskey voices down highways at midnight as years gone by…they’ve gone by…

and i’ve had love…tasted this wine that others have only dreamed of… ginger and emerald…ginger and emerald…never ‘fore has the cup been so sweet…am i dreaming…dreaming…

i am now that old man on the bus…lone traveler…seeing america ‘gain…

you sit there…waiting…on what…the second coming…apocalyptic horsemen…what…you would think your time was worth something…something tangible…reached out for nothing…just sit there…not a word spoken…silence…completely quiet…as if you never had anything to say…yes…the silent type…silent type…

this will all catch up to you one day…yes…one day you’re going to wish you said something…about this…about that…made a real statement…’stead of keeping everybody in suspense…that’s what you do…keep everyone guessing…what will he do next…what will he do next…

and…the answer is nothing…you’ll grow old in that chair…autumn will pass…winter too…and you will still have not said a word…frightening really…what are you waiting for…do you even know…everyone’s given up on you…you’ve driven them away…by doing nothing you have driven them away…yes…driven them away…

yet here I wait in the thick of it…the thickness of silence…waiting for your next move…waiting for your next move…

he’d sit out in the backyard as the coolness of evenin’ came about…chewin’ on strands of grass and singin’ out loud some song he’d learned in church that week…Amazing Grace…Old Rugged Cross…somethin’ that dragged just a bit…sang through two missin’ teeth…hummed over parts forgotten…

and momma would be inside fryin’ up chicken livers and gizzards…a few hearts…too poor to cook up a whole chicken…too many mouths to feed…she’d drudge it in egg and flour with salt and pepper sprinkled in the mix…fried in hot bacon fat and Crisco…cast iron skillet sat onna flame…

daddy’d never be ’round when she cooked up chicken innards…he’d be out on the road tryin’ to sell service contracts to getcher televisions fixed…he’d drive up and down and sideways throughout the state of Arkansas sellin’ them pieces of paper…useless pieces of paper…most of the time you just needed the antennae adjusted on top of your house…daddy knew this…

she got so lonely with him on the road…sat inna big old Lazy-boy recliner and just cried at night…waitin’ on her man to come home…just waitin’…took no interest in watchin’ t.v. herself…didn’t care ’bout Rich Man Poor Man…or Roots…didn’t even wanna see The Thorn Birds…just sat in that Lazy-boy waitin’…rockin’ back and forth…while life just passed her by…

were ya scared…think somethin’ was gonna happen to ya…somebody or some thing was gonna getcha…fears…bein’ afraid of your own shadow…i know what that’s like…been in that position ‘fore…scared ’bout hittin’ the road…what’s out there…some kinda monster followin’ ya…kind that hides ‘hind trees in the woods…or underneath a sofa for that matter…just always there…

and you can’t see it…

no…you can’t…’at’s what makes it so damn scary…’cause you know it’s there…just waitin’ for ya’…comes in different forms too…a friend…strangers…lovers…some gas station attendent who you think is harmless…just a guy doin’ his job…he wants a piece of ya too…they all do…

even family…

particularly family…you think brothers and sisters aren’t keepin’ score…they’re just waitin’ for ya to fuck up…somethin’ in the slightest bit they can confront ya with… some lie ya told long time ago…some truth you’ve kept hidden…they getta hold of that…like gold…

i am scared…

better be…of all things…don’t trust no-one…your co-workers…beer drinkin’ buddies…they’re all out to getcha…and they will ‘ventually…count on that…one thing…one thing they been holdin’ out on ya ’bout…they always keep somethin’ in their pocket…a little chunk of gold they can plop down on ya at any given moment…leave ya just waitin’…waitin’ for that other foot to drop…could be months could be years…just somethin’ always held over your head…put the fear of Jesus in ya…that’s what they do…that’s what they do…

what can you do…

nothin’…just wait it out…wait for it to ‘ventually catch up with ya’…and it will…it will…bet your last dollar on that…it’s just waitin’…it’s always just waitin’…

why you gotta scare me…

it’s truth boy…unknown is always ’round the corner…can’t do nothin’ ’bout it…what’re gonna stay in your room the rest of your life…you think you’re safe there…guess ‘gain…there’s nowhere to hide…sins always exposed…ghosts know your name…sure as hell do…think you’re better than the rest of us…

not sayin’ that…

what’re ya sayin’…

we gotta live in fear…is that what we gotta do…

yeah…that’s what we gotta do…