dmseay

and he’d sit there all day long just sayin’ how tired of life he was…almost like a cry…a small yelp or a little howl by this grown man who’d given up…all those hours wasted…by himself…whisperin’…,I’m tired of life…, you’d think one day he’d just have ‘nough and put it all to an end…some people just like complainin’ I guess…

stopped feelin’ bad for him…after awhile it just became his nature…no movement…wouldn’t eat…didn’t even drink Pepsi anymore…everything was shuttin’ down…his whole way ’bout him…way he carried himself when he was younger…no more…it’s like he wouldn’t even try…

and he had this awful smell…an old man smell…didn’t shower for weeks…never brushed his yellow teeth…he was not one for hygiene…remember when he was younger he’d slap on Aqua Velva every mornin’…put stuff in his hair to slick it back…wore a stiff white tee under every dress shirt…and his shoes shined…used Kiwi polish…

sat there with a wooden box every Sunday and made those black Oxford’s shine…he stopped shinin’ long time ago…just stopped one day…and sat in that chair sayin’…,I’m tired of life…I’m tired of life…,over and over again…hard to feel bad for a man who gives up…hard to…

did you know?

know…?

’bout this…?

hard to read a mind…

sure kept quiet ’bout it…not a whisper…never gave a clue as to what he was up to…he’d been plotting that whole time…testin’ the waters…seein’ what he could get away with…sure he didn’t tell ya’ anything?

didn’t say a word…his lips never moved…stayed silent…knew he was up to somethin’…just couldn’t tell you what…

some said he had this girl over in Chicago he was wantin’ to meet up with…said he was goin’ over there to pledge his love to her…get down on one knee…whole nine yards…

doesn’t make any sense…

whole thing is cockeyed…

guess he’d had enough…

I’d say so…

found him in a ditch outside of Hammond…what was he doin’ over in Hammond?

hell…he was all over the place…one day Indiana…some other day Nebraska…not carryin’ a stitch of clothin’ on him…just a bunch of books…liked to read those Russians from a long time ago…

why couldn’t he’d read Americans…? what’s wrong with Americans…?

couldn’t tell ya…he just had a hankerin’ for the Ruskies…don’t matter now…

nope…

he’s gone…

yep…

ain’t no bringin’ him back…once you’re gone you’re gone…

that’s that…

well…guess so…

what were you thinkin’…takin’ off like that…some kid runnin’ away…and from what…it gets cold out there…you hardly have any clothes…no coat…just an old pair of jeans and some tee-shirts…what good’ll that do ya when snows come and ice is on the ground…you can’t survive that way…you’re already marked dead ‘fore ya even start…goin’ off half-cocked…over what…a disagreement…didn’t get your way…times get tough…ya gotta learn to adjust…stop being so sensitive ’bout everything…you’re gonna get your heart broken a few times…everybody does…think this is the only time it’s gonna happen…Christ…you can be married 50 years and still get your heart beat up on a daily basis…life’s funny that way…one day you’re really somethin’ and the next you’re pulled down a notch or two…there’s set-backs kid…can’t always get your way…and now you wanna take off in the middle of the night ’cause some broad broke your heart…I’m tellin’ ya…ain’t nothin’ perfect in this life…nothin’…

this lover gave me a bottle of lavender…keep it on the nightstand next to my bed…open it up and allow it’s magic to penetrate the room…the smell of oil puts me to sleep…a deep sleep where i dream of past lives and present deaths…the passings of my mom and dad…

in these dreams i wonder where they’ve gone to…a fourth dimension hovering ‘bove the earth…waiting for all their kin to come home ‘fore moving on to a final destination…a hen waiting for it’s chicks to hatch i guess…my father puttering ’round in a shop…cutting and nailing wood…waiting as well…wanting this family to all be as one again…but…were we ever…

the american myth of family being close…counting on one another…loving each other…all of us fitting-in to some kinda pattern…Friday night football games…marching bands…Easter Sundays…Santa Claus…these myths are comfortable growing-up…then they unravel…

you realize that maybe you don’t like high school football games or marching bands playing songs on green fields under the lights…perhaps there isn’t a Jesus that arose from the dead…no Santa Claus either…could be your parents weren’t always what you thought they should be…a chance that you didn’t quite make the grade growin’ up in this land of milk and honey…the american myth…hard work makes you happy…says who…

and i dream of these past lives…nights in New York high as a kite and walking ’round Washington Square Park looking at women…art students taking pictures…protesters singing songs…a man playing piano in the colors of the fall…

i dream these dreams…then i awake and place the lid back on the lavender…and start my day…dreams…myths…being conscious in the unconscious…alive in america…

told her I wasn’t goin’ anywhere…said I’d wait for her…these promises made in the night under a shared blanket…keepin’ each other warm with words…an embrace…a kiss…somethin’ holdin’ us together…kept us glued for a long time…

maybe it was magic…some kinda spell cast on both of us…who knows…spells can be broken…

she wanted to leave for a while…go away and spread her wings…try somethin’ on her own…she wanted her freedom…and I gave her that…with blessings…blessings…

waited on her…weeks…months…she sent her love via the U.S. Mail…letters smellin’ of lavender…rose hips…sage…I rubbed my face in the paper…words…her scent was all over ’em…put me to sleep…made me dream…of love…love…

but one day the letters quit comin’…just stopped…like a leaky faucet…’ventually ran out…wondered if I’d ever hear from her again…if I’d ever hold onto her again…I wondered…

told her I wasn’t goin’ anywhere…said I’d wait for her…these promises made in the night under a shared blanket…

tis Sunday morn…
church bells ring…
Christ’s cross looms o’er head…

a cold feelin’…
the departed wait…and wait…
how long til i join ’em…

bread has been torn…
lines form…
an organ sings to St. Mary…

and God pours a pint…
we are served…
hallelujah…

amen…

he went out lookin’ for work every chance he got…drivin’ delivery trucks…fixin’ flats…even did day labor…just movin’ from one job to the next…never a steady paycheck…one year he had 18 W-2 forms mailed to the house…various employers…McDonald’s…the Marathon station up the road…killin’ termites…trappin’ rats…all kinds of jobs that year…couldn’t keep ’em straight…kept losin’ ’em one after another…get fired or just up and quit…but he tried to getta job…one that would stick…no such luck…no such luck…

but he started getting mean towards the end…downright disgusted with life…with himself…was disillusioned with america…questioned why it didn’t work for him…

began wanderin’ ’round…he’d spend time hitchhikin’ back and forth ‘cross the U.S. …one week he’d be in Vermont breathin’ in that cool fall air then the followin’ week he’d be sweatin’ to bejesus down in Arkansas of all places…guess he was just a restless soul…lookin’ for somethin’…just lookin’ for somethin’…

and all this time I thought ya were talkin’ ’bout somethin’ important…somethin’ that means somethin’…

does mean somethin’…to me…to me it means somethin’…maybe not to you…maybe not to the guy down the street…but to me it means somethin’…

ya can never be too sure of these things…never be so sure of yourself…get all half-cocked and see what happens to ya when ya make one false move…point is…ya think it’s important…but its not…ain’t nothin’ that important in this life…

way you conduct yourself…way ya present yourself…means somethin’…got pride in what I do…

too much pride…

pride’s important…

and you’re proud of what…what’s so God damned important to ya…a house…
fancy car…kind with a stickshift…girl ya married…

it all means somethin’…

it’ll be gone soon…it’ll be gone…

what’dya mean…

son…everything is temporary…just slips through your hands…turn ’round inna second and its gone…and there ain’t a damned thing you can do ’bout it…what…work hard…stay sober…quit your vices…don’t matter…it’ll all be gone one day…

you’re a defeatest…

I’m a realist…go ‘head…act like ya got somethin’ on the ball…act like it.. but I know the truth…know it like the back of my hand…

just jealous…

maybe so…maybe so…

you can make somethin’ of yourself…not too late…

made somethin’ outta myself years ago…and it was temporary…just temporary…

said ya knew him…some long lost soulmate from centuries ago…a friend in one life…a lover in another…said ya knew him…said so…

and now what…he turned away on ya…left ya for some other woman down state…did she know him in another life too…was it just luck…

hard when a man leaves…get used to him bein’ there for ya…listenin’ to ya…talkin’ kind words at three in the mornin’…sharin’ a drink or two…a smoke…covers…

so what ya gonna do…wait til another life to meet up with him again…some kinda’ future love affair a hundred years from now…

guess it could happen…guess so…

he walked those frozen steps up to his room…rented cheap…few gunshots at night…his wife was gone…baby too…everything had been left behind…Polaroid pictures…pots and pans…a chicken carcass in the fridge…picked clean…no meat on it…

gone were the baby bottles…some clothes…the ring he’d bought her for Christmas…an imitation ruby…picked it up at a five and dime store…put a note on it that said, One day I’ll get you a real one…,said that ’bout a lot of things…

so he pulled off his coat…took a seat at the table in the cramped corner…just sat there…blank…didn’t know what to think…didn’t wanna think…

he’d been out on the road for a week out two…sewin’ some wild oats…drinkin’…lookin’ for midnight company in bars…strip joints…whore houses…had an itch needin’ to be scratched…

had a wad of money on him…carried it in his front pocket…a roll of twenties…he’d peel ’em off one at a time…didn’t believe in tippin’…

slept in his Dodge…cold nights bundled up with a leather jacket…had a change of clothes in the back…lots of men’s rooms…lots of men’s rooms…

well…he got tired of the road…drove back to a woman and child he thought he loved…whose to say what love is…climbed those frozen steps…and found nothin’…absolutely nothin’…

nothin’ is all there ever was…