dmseay

he’d stay inside all day and look out windows…never ventured away from home…sat in an overstuffed chair completely unaware of time…the day…didn’t even know the month…he’d just watch seasons change…green trees turn orange and red…streets go from bare to covered in snow…locked away…locked away…

lived off cans of soup…saved them up for the appocolyse…always the threat the world would end…he could tell by sounds of guns being fired…sirens goin’ off…children crying…figured it was all gonna end soon…real soon…

s’why he stopped livin’…didn’t want any part of it anymore…no more women…or TV…stopped reading books and papers…disconnected the phone…just watched seasons change…waiting…waiting…

and he felt real safe under his blanket…bowl of split pea with ham…comforting…wasn’t scared…didn’t live in fear…just looked out the windows as fall became winter and winter became spring…summer creeped into his eyes as well…the colors of the trees was all he knew…all he knew…all he knew…

he’d look out his window all night long…didn’t see anything…listened as cars drove past…an unlatched wooden gate kept swingin’…wind kicked-up…a lone streetlamp shined on a corner ‘cross from a Catholic church…blood on the sidewalk…

couldn’t sleep…never able…his mind always occupied…thinkin’ of her…wonderin’ how ends were gonna be met…how would this bill get paid…was there enough money left to eat-on…that last week of the month…last week…

watched as car lights disappeared into night…kept hopin’ to see her out…she was a thousand miles away…maybe she was a figment of his imagination…maybe…maybe…his mind played tricks on him…

like thinkin’ he’d kiss her again…maybe she’d allow that…he thought about it…kept lookin’ out the window…starin’ at nothin’…starin’ at nothin’…maybe just waitin’ to be kissed…

where’d he go…

left…

left town…

‘magine…

give a reason…

no…

say a word…

just left…

musta been plannin’ it…

don’t think so…never much for plans…

right…

take off in a moment’s notice…

that’s what he does alright…

saw him last night…

where…

Hank’s…

what’d he say…

nothin’ really…just kept recitin’ some Irish writer…

who…

can’t ‘member…he just kept sayin’…I can’t go on…I can’t go on…I will go on…

crazy talk…

yea…crazy talk…

was he drunk…

doesn’t drink…you know that…just iced tea…

sounds like Beckett…

an Irish man who spoke French…

right…

so he’s gone huh…

he’s gone…

he kept lookin’ at his phone…waitin’ on some kinda response…made calls…sent out messages…old girlfriends…ex-wives…guys he’d known along the way…just wantin’ to talk to somebody…acknowledge his existence…
it was like fishin’…you cast out a hundred times and maybe two or three bite…but there’s always one that puts up a fight…always one…

she got back to him…this woman he’d loved years ago…thought he loved her…the bed does strange things to people…it can manipulate…it can trick ya’ into thinking things that don’t exist…like love…like love…

you used to get so jealous…,she said to him…used to question me up and down every night if I didn’t call you back…,she laughed…,are you still that way…jealous…

I wanted to talk to ya’ ’bout somethin’…, he told her…,wanted to talk to anybody…just needin’ to talk I guess…,took a drag on a smoke…sipped some whiskey…,didya’ think I was crazy…, he asked…,didya’ think I’d lost it…

let’s just say you were on your way…,she said plainly…no inflection in her voice…just plain…,you were headin’ down a road I didn’t wanna travel on…you were turnin’ mean…turnin’ mean…still drinkin’ whiskey…

nope…not a drop…,he took another swig…she laughed…

can’t fool me…can’t fool me…

she was always worried he’d never come back…every time he left the house this thought crossed her mind…where’s he really goin’ to…does he really need another pack of smokes…are friends catchin’ a game with him at the bar…what’s he up to…

one night he told her he was goin’ out for a ride…just a drive ’round town…maybe out on the innerstate to get up some speed to ease his mind a bit…listen to some jazz…calm himself down from hectic schedules and everyday life…told her he needed to take it easy for an hour or two…just an hour or two…

an hour became two hours…then three became four…four became all night…gone all night…wouldn’t answer his phone…no regard to numerous text messages …he let it all be…let it all be…thought of callin’ her to explain the reason behind his wanderin’…then decided not to…not just yet…

as the Sun come up he was far away from home…she was worried…not ’bout a crash…didn’t care ’bout some kind of heart attack behind the wheel…those thoughts crossed her mind…no…she was wantin’ to know if she had lost her man…if he was finally done with her…gone for good…

hadn’t slept a wink all night…went to the freezer to grab a can of coffee…that’s when the phone rang…short staccato little buzzes on her cellphone…his name lit up…

you knew one day it would come to this…, he said…knew one day i’d take off and never come back…wasn’t that always in the back of your mind…, he whispered…, wasn’t it…

she didn’t sob…didn’t shed a tear…just sat there in silence as he kept talkin’ and talkin’…full-on sentences…a monologue as to why he left…various reasons…pressures from the job…kids were too much…his needs weren’t bein’ met…she listened…

but at the end of it all… he finally said he just never loved her…twelve years of marriage… a house..kids…dogs…Sunday dinners…PTA meetings…he just never loved her…and he felt bad ’bout that… real bad…felt bad ’bout livin’ a lie for so many years…so many years…

and she asked him…in a low voice…, at the alter…when you said I do…did ya mean it…did ya love me then…

yes…, he said…, yes i did…

well…I can live with that…I can live with that…

nothing there…

nothing…

not a thing…

you’ve said that before…said it in hopes of throwing me off…leading me off the path…sending me on some kinda wild goose chase through God knows what…and you say there’s nothing there…’spect me to believe that…I feel it every time we see each other…just wanna hold ya’…nothing there…

it wasn’t what you thought it was…wasn’t any kinda love…was emotionless…just two people using one another…people do that you know…

use each other…

yes…use each other….

not me…I’m not that way…actions mean something…making love means something…

yes…making love does mean something…but we didn’t make love…

what did we do then…

we got through the night…

you mean nights…

sure…nights…we got through lonely nights together…

and that’s not love…

no…that is not love…

he’d sit and look at the clock…the blinking clock in the microwave…with green numbers flashing…wouldn’t stop flashing…just 12:23 repeating itself over and over again…not moving on…time standing still…

and then it went goose eggs on him…0:00 the clock read…flashing…didn’t stop flashing…wanted to start over…from the beginning…be put in motion…he considered it…

looked over at the clock on the wall…the hands had stopped as well…small one on the 12 and a big one between the 4 and the 5…hands just sitting there inside a frame…motionless…they weren’t going anywhere…stopped forever it seemed…

red numbers flashed on the coffee maker…,has this whole world gone crazy…,he thought…,has it ended…,laughed…chuckled quietly…all these clocks stopped…left behind while people go about their business…meetings…eating…having drinks…making love to a wife…why was he left in the dark…

looked at the clocks…just sat there looking at them…,I’ll get ’em tomorrow…,he mumbled…,I’ll get ’em tomorrow…

he had these irrational fears…always scared…would get frightened beyond control at times…couldn’t talk sense to him…was convinced the whole world was falling apart and he was at fault…thought it was something he did…had no peace…

told him one day he was losing his mind…said there was more to life than being afraid…asked him what he was terrified of…what was it…he’d have to go deep inside to find that answer…lots of soul searching…all of us eventually have to seek out truths about ourselves…all of us…

so he quit his job…went for a long walk across country looking for himself…trying to shake those fears…strolled from North to South along The Appalachian Trail…just alone with a backpack…a canteen…some clothes…Leaves Of Grass…man does not live by bread alone…

left in the spring and came back in the fall…seemed different…said he faced himself everyday…would sit down on the earth and take his soul out and examine it for hours on end…looked at his mind…heart…knew every inch of his being…every inch…down to the last gray hair…

asked if he was still afraid of life…shook his head…didn’t say anything…could tell…he was at peace…he’d found peace…

we used to sit on the couch and watch TV…start in the evening with news and by the time the late show came on she’d be fast asleep in my arms…all curled-up like a cat…stretched over to place a blanket on her…lifted her head just a bit to put a pillow underneath…mumbled in her sleep…some kind of dream she was having…

she’d sleep till about 3 in the morning…me…I stayed awake the whole time…stroking her blonde hair…thinking how lucky I was to have this woman laying in my lap…eyes closed…thought she was at peace…

one night she stopped sleeping on the couch…would get tired and turn in early back in the bedroom…I’d walk in and see her tangled up in blankets…didn’t want to disturb her…

so…I stayed on my side of the bed and she stayed on hers…tried to hold her sometimes…she’d just shake me off…stopped talking in her sleep…laid there in silence…our whole life became silence…

after a while I stopped going back to the bed…stayed on the couch all night with the sound down on the television…pictures flashing through air as my eyes blinked in and out of a daze…didn’t bother turning it off…kept me company…

I miss the days of her being curled-up on the couch…I miss her…

he wanted to go fishing…all he ever talked about…perfectly content with a pole in his hands…casting out onto a clear lake…found peace in this ritual…said it helped his state of mind…calmed the voices in his head…calmed the voices in his head…

this old man…father of five…now sat in a nursing home talking of fishing…telling tales of canoe trips down a river in Arkansas…rod between his legs…both hands on an oar…paddeling and casting…all day long…all day long…

said he remembered one fishing trip when he didn’t catch anything…not a single fish…tried everything…raw bacon…minows…pieces of bologna…just weren’t biting…just weren’t biting…they never did…don’t think the old man ever caught a fish…not that i recall…not that i recall…

he wanted to go fishing…all he ever talked about…