dmseay

what is it that you’re gettin’ at…you keep talkin’ and talkin’ but you make no sense…just a kinda’ senseless babble…the kind your mother used to make ’round the house when she was sweepin’ or cookin’…real cockeyed talk…drove me up the wall…couldn’t stand it…couldn’t stand her…that’s it…figured it out…you’re turnin’ into your mother…soon you’ll be just like her…talkin’ nonsense all the time…it’ll be just like I’m livin’ with your mom…and I remember how she got real crazy ‘fore she passed…real goofy like…talkin’ ’bout how everyone had abandoned her…left her for dry…you see it happenin’ to ya’ now don’t ya’…gradually…little by little you’ll metamorphosize into an old babbling broad who never stops talkin’…it’ll be sheer chaos ’round here and I’ll have to be the one to call the shots…damn it…should’ve seen this comin’…maybe I did…just denied it all these years…and you’re startin’ to put on weight too…gettin’ a little heavy ’round the hips…Jesus…I should just run now…leave ‘fore it gets any messier…kids could take care of ya’…they owe ya’ that…I’d stay but you’re just gonna’ slow me down…I still got energy in my bones…still got some zip…who am I kiddin’…stuck…should’ve never married ya’…should’ve just left when you squeezed out the first one…what a disappointment that kid turned out to be…’member when we thought he was gonna be somethin’…a lawyer or a doctor or a CEO…somethin’ important in America…somethin’ we could hang our hats on…he had to go out and knock up a girl too…like father like son huh…oh well…happy New Year honey…hell…let’s see what it brings…

gave me this bottle of lavender oil…said if i wiped it on my feet it’d help me sleep…’ats. what she said…called Nature’s Kiss…has some kinda’ healing powers…smells nice…real fragrant…says on the bottle not to apply to the skin undiluted…too powerful on it’s own…too much of a good thing …

burned this bag of sage…said it was legal marijuana…lit it on fire and smelled up the room real good…came in this big ol’ tightly wound bunch…she’d let it burn all night long while we made love on the floor like two spirits that longed for each other…lookin’ for one another for years… centuries…

had pictures on her walls of dogs…wolves…said inna’ ‘nother life she was a shape-shifter…could turn into anything at the drop of a hat…whatever the spirits allowed…

told her my spirits wanted to run free…all over the place…one day wake-up in Vermont and the next on some beach in Carolina…said we’d make a fine couple of Gypsies…just travelin’ everywhere…makin’ love on the earth…layin’ in the grass with flowers ’round us…real genuine love…said she’d think ’bout it…said she’d think ’bout it…

but she began talkin’ ’bout car payments and house payments and credit cards and debts and credit ratings and credit scores and what would we do for money and how america does that to ya’…the land of the not so free…we’re not so free…

From the minute you’re born you owe somebody in this country…grow up owin’ everybody…, she said…Can’t run from it forever…,laughed,…It’ll catch ya’…it’ll catch ya’…

guess she’s right…we’re not so free…

Hey Kit,
seems like years now since we’ve talked…’fraid to pick up the phone…scared of what you might say to me…always worried ’bout things like that…wondered what you were thinking on the other end…sittin’ there in that big leather chair of your’s…all comfortable…head laid back with your feet propped-up on the footstool…did you get it reupholstered…so many cracks in it when i knew ya’…used to cover up the rips with silver Duck tape…like a worn out pair of cowboy boots…holes in the soles…
thanks for the Christmas card…opened it as soon as i saw the address on the envelope…thought it was from you…wasn’t sure though…forgot your address for a brief second…then it hit me…yep…that’s from her…i said to myself as i walked up the stairs to my room…yea…still renting a room above the liquor store on Broadway…go down there a few times a week for a bottle of hooch…something to calm the nerves…gotta bad case of the worries these days…worried ’bout small things…like the government…rent…where my next meal’s comin’ from…things i should have control over…but i don’t…
yes…you guessed it…still wantin’ to hit the road…wantin’ to go back and see things i’ve seen before…see ’em again and again and again…just like some kid on their birthday…same old gift in a different package…we say we like the element of surprise…but do we really…
your card is funny…a snowman with sticks for arms…big gloves hangin’ on ’em…you know what happens to snowmen…they melt…
Take care of yourself,
Eddie

how ya’ doin’ pop..

alright I guess…

oh yea…

yep…I mean…I just exist…

you exist therefore you are…

I exist therefore I am…

are you having an existential moment dad…

don’t know what you’d call it…just call it existing…existing ’cause there’s nothin’ else to do at this time…

i see…

the alternative scares me…

alternative…

yea…non-existent…nothin’…bein’ no more than just bones in a bag…or burned-up ash…don’t let ’em do that to me…did that to mom ya’ know…or is she still alive…

no pop…she’s past on…

thought so…couldn’t remember…damndest thing…I thought they cremated her…but wasn’t sure if she was dead or not…strangest thing…I forget sometimes…

she wanted to be cremated…those were her wishes…

don’t say…not me…not me…

no pop…we’re gonna place you in a casket and put mom in there with ya’…

be ‘nough room…

yep…be ‘nough room…

right now I just exist…

yea…you exist therefore you are…

I don’t know what all that means…but…o.k. …

you’re here now pop…in the present…

guess so…I guess so…wanna chocolate covered cherry…only get these at Christmas time…

i’m o.k. dad…

you visit mom today…

no…i didn’t go out there…

well when you see her tell her I’m on my way outta this hospital soon…

can’t pop…

what…

nevermind…i’ll tell her…i’ll tell her…

wanna see her ‘gain…get outta here and start livin’ ‘gain…maybe take mom up to Canada…she likes Canada…

how ya’ gonna do that pop…

oh yea…she’s gone ain’t she…

yea…

well right now I just exist…I just exist…wanna chocolate covered cherry…

no thanks…

only get ’em at Christmas time…

drove all over lookin’ for ya’…went up to Windsor and searched…strip clubs on the outskirts and massage parlors downtown where girls’ll do anything for a buck or two…knew you liked those kind’a places…used to talk ’bout ’em all the time…spoke ’bout girls with warm eyes and cold souls…asked ya’ what you wanted with a woman like that…said ya’ paid ’em to leave…leave anyway…might as well get it over with quickly…

went down to Chicago and thought i saw you hangin’ out on the Northside of town where all the white people are…could’a swore i seen ya’ amongst the yuppies and kids walkin’ round Lincoln Park in bars and taverns with cute names like…Duke of Perth…Flannagan’s…Scottish or some fake Irish joint you’d fallen into years ago…said ya’ liked a pint or two…

took a bus to New York…see if i could find ya’ up there…in crowds of people callin’ out your name…seein’ signs that read GIRLS…GIRLS…GIRLS…PRIVATE VIEWING BOOTHS…DOLLAR TOKENS…some Indian guy said I just missed ya’…said ya’d been comin’ in there quite a bit…watchin’ movies…cruisin’ the video aisles and magazine racks…described ya’ perfectly…to a tee…wearin’ that same jacket mom bought ya’ three Christmas’s ago…back when ya’ used to come home for holidays…family gatherin’s…

somethin’ happened to ya’…hard to describe…grew this hard cover shell that protected ya’ ‘gainst pain…love would just bounce off of it…never ‘gain would it strike ya’ close to the heart…

guess ya’ deserve that…i’m guessin’…

did’ya try talkin’ to her…just common sense stuff…like the fact that things don’t always work out the way we plan in this life…often times you think you got it all figured out…but you don’t…you can’t…nobody’s perfect…all these mistakes we make…

i tried talkin’…gave her a good lecturin’ i did…told her that we loved her very much and we hated to see her goin’ through all this…so much pain…wasted pain…

nothin’s wasted…she’ll learn from this…heartaches are good for the soul…that boy…he don’t know what he’s got…pretty girl like that…real nice too…that’s rare…usually it’s one or the other…either really really nice or really really pretty…but it’s rare you get both in the same package…

i told him that…

did…

did…almost those exact words…he wouldn’t listen…busy thinkin’ ’bout gettin’ into somethin’ he can’t get out of…one of them whores over on Dewald Street…they’ll take his money and make him cry…shame…real shame…

well she’s takin’ it pretty hard…she had plans…she had big plans…now she’s just…wasted…just another life wasted…over what…just a minute’s all it took…change her life…change her life…

she’s gonna give it up…

she is…good Christian family…they’ll take the kid…raise it real well…

how’d this happen…didn’t we teach her better…teach her to be smarter…

she is smart…just made a mistake that’s all…she’ll be alright…

deer season starts today…

gonna’ bring me home a buck…

yea…i’ll bring you home a buck…

i hear nothin’…maybe an occasional car drivin’ out in the distance…a train wailin’ far away…few and far between sounds…real hollow outside as I walk from one end of town to the other…

past buildings where men used to earn pay with their hands…old saloons with busted windows and worn out neon…closed down massage parlors with names like Doll House and The Kingdom…

homes boarded-up…vagabonds sleepin’ off hangovers under sheets of newspaper and cardboard boxes…rats scurry from the scene…

and church after church after church on corners ‘cross town…good people goin’ to worship their gods while i pray to nothin’…it always comes back to nothin’…

just ask Meister Eckhart…we come from nothin’…waitin’ in this life to return to nothin’…men in factories…drunks in taverns…the whore in the street…nothin’…

and nothin’ is all there ever was…

said she felt him from miles away…his presence…this warm feelin’ of havin’ heavy hands on her…touchin’ her…holdin’ on to her at all hours of the night…like he was clutchin’ onto somethin’ he couldn’t let go of…somethin’ that had been there for years…maybe centuries…

and he felt her too…couldn’t get ‘nough of her…he’d look at pictures of her and feel her legs wrapped ’round him…like they were made for him…a good fit…could taste her though they’d never kissed…

she was magical…weaved a spell on him…couldn’t shake it…spent months tryin’ to find her…she’d leave clues as to her whereabouts…hints about this town and that…tease him along the way till he couldn’t take it no more…became torture…

so…he erased everything…all the pictures…on his phone…in his mind…started thinkin’ ’bout other things…tangible things…

gave up on her…

gave up on this long distance love….

said he didn’t get it…

what we were talkin’ ’bout…

yea…just didn’t understand any of it…

the ends and outs of it all…

right…

think he’s lyin’…

he’s smarter than that…he knows the difference…

‘tween right and wrong…

yea…should…was raised to…everybody else does…why shouldn’t he…

can’t figure it out…

he’s lyin’…

many people do…

lie…

yea…they’ll do anything to escape responsibility…they’ll play stupid…that’s what he’s doin’…

think so…

huhuh….he’s been ’round the block a few times…can’t fool me…smarter than you and me put together…

that ain’t sayin’ much…

hell it ain’t…

take your basic politician…one day he’s the smartest guy in the world…then he’s blamin’ his faults on not knowin’…how could he not know…same thing here…he knows…knows what you and I are up to…been keepin’ an eye on us both…

he’s got plans…

yea…big plans…

for us…

all of us…

he’s got the whole world in his hands…he’s got the whole world in his hands…

yep…

and there ain’t a damn thing we can do ’bout it…

wasn’t ‘fraid of anything…that was his weakness…he’d take on any man…bar room fights…argue with jealous husbands…played chicken out on the stretch of road north of town…just wouldn’t back down…

but he was scared to death of her…thought she had powers…could cut right through him like a blade on butter….she saw what he was…and he knew it…couldn’t hide from her…tried with a lot of macho bravado…that only went so far…

she saw inside of him… this man who’d leave her one day…take off to rob gas stations…holdin’ up check cashin’ joints…a modern day Jesse James…goin’ off from town to town endin’ up God knows where…just runnin’…always runnin’…

looked in his eyes and she saw fear…a real genuine fear…the kind that don’t go away…some kinda’ desperado…a lone prairie man who once he left her…would be on his own forever…no lovin’…no peace…just a torn up gut cryin’ out in silence…

she saw inside this man…she saw inside him…