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there was always this anger…always mad…

at him..

him…them…everybody…nothing specific…

had ta’ be…

be what…

specific…a focused rage…right…

nothing was focused… not work…family…certainly not anger…

why then…mad at what…

don’t know…

don’t know…

….no….

born this way…a curse from the seventh moon on high…some kinda’ mania from youth…a slight…

I don’t know…just know I’m mad all the time…

and what happens…

when I’m mad…

yes…when you get mad…

uh…lookout….umm…stupid things…dumb actions…

towards others…

only myself…just me…

why’d think that is…what’d you think…

couldn’t tell ya’…well…could…then I’d have ta’ kill ya’…

right…

ummm…

whydya’ punish yourself …do ya’ need to be punished…you deserve that…

maybe…maybe…

for what…

d’ya ever read  Crime and Punishment…

Dostoevsky…

yea…the Russian…

yes…

no morals…no self-monitoring….just acting-out as needed…as needed…

Crime and Punishment…

yea…

let me ask ya’…d’ya think the young man in that story needed ta’ kill the old lady…was that necessary…

for him…yes…for him…we all have our quirks…right…

‘spose… you ever wanna kill anybody…

other than me…

you…

yes…me…no…no…

what stops you…what keeps you from it…

madness…

umm…madness…

yes…

how…

well…if I was sane…I would’ve left this crazy world a long time ago…

so…only the crazies are sticking ’round…

that’s my bet…

never ended-up where I thought I’d be…

never…

no…not even close…

how so…

obstacles…things got in the way…

right…always the case…

for some…some…

some…

yea…others knew what they wanted from day-one…knew it and would not be deterred…not in the least…

successful people…

sure…why not…

you got deterred…

uh…I got derailed…way off the mother-fuckin tracks…no blame…was me…

think so…

who else…uh…ex-wives…mom…dad…high school football coach…corporate America…no…me…

full responsibility for…

don’t know…haven’t a clue anymore…what was to become of me anyway…

what’dya wanna be…

all kinds of things…everything…anything…

like what…

a movie star…some Hollywood type…maybe a stand-up bass player in a jazz trio…a fireman…some preacher baptizing people down at the river on a Sunday mornin’…

yea…

…..yea….

what happened…

short-cuts…thinkin’ easier ways…givin’-up…

gave-up…

yea…yes…I have…maybe never started…can ya’beat that…

what…

whole lives never started…one place the whole time on earth…no movement…

happens ta’ guys…

all too often….all too often…just stagnant…a fat gut and ah’ bowl game on New Year’s Day…

come-on…let’s go home…

gonna’ stay…gonna’ stay…

sure…give ya’ a lift…

I wanna stay….go-on…see ya’ ’round….

….have a good night…

you too…

Pepsi fizzed over ice..

a Schnauzer jumped in his lap…

Sunday morning news shows told of the apocalypse…

the abyss was at the doorstep…

quiet outside…nothing shaking…all tucked safely away from banks…hedge funds…salesmen…pharmaceuticals…shopping malls filled with shoppers in search of nothing real…non-tangible… these games we play…

an Eiffel Tower toured in Las Vegas…an Irish bar at Epcot Center…a minister making millions…keep-up the good work…

Pepsi fizzed over ice…

a Schnauzer jumped in his lap…

Micky and Minnie soliciting in Times Square…bronzed Buddhas sold at Pier 1…prayers with price-tags attached…we will not be undersold…

Atlas shrugs across from St. Patrick’s…true love never found…for you…me…the broad in Yonkers…The Women of Troy…forever we search…

wandering…just wandering…while you sit there with that dog in your lap…a member of the Pepsi generation…all across the nation…feeling free…feeling free…

guys work at carwashes…corporate farms…cubicles of starched gray…flying paper-airplanes over makeshift walls towards Chip…Skip…a white chick named Dakota…and an old timer called Al…all putting in time hoping for what…to pay another bill…move ahead…another day denying death…oh Peggy…Is That All There Is….

Pepsi fizzed over ice…

even that has changed…that sound…

even that…

nothing here..

nothing…

disappointed…

no…thought’d be the case…

right…

this is the usual…predictable really…

how sad…

yes…it is…

why didn’t you say…

soften the  blow…

right…

not me…not my style…

no…no it’s not…long time…but now i get that…

do…

yes…’bout you…yes…

different ways…approaches…

i guess…you enjoy this…

pardon…

this…do you enjoy this…

haven’t the slightest…

come-on now…

the question…

is what…we are here…here…

O.K. ….

’cause…

yes…

you wanted this…me to see this…nothing…

sure…it’s what’s best…

….yes…yes…

don’t you agree…

yes…

you see you’re mistake..

which one…

right…

so many…

trust…

trust…

yes…trust…never trust…

never…

never…

how sad…

adjustments…get used to it…

yes…adjust…

get-in-line with the rest…

yes…

you…you’re in need of having the rough edges of idealism smoothed-out…yes…

yes…

you’re way behind…

i know…

gotta get started…

now…

now…say goodbye…

goodbye…goodbye…

d’ya feel it…

yea…

that distance…a distance there…

between us…

yes…between us…almost as if you didn’t wanna be touched…

I didn’t…

you didn’t…

no…I did not…

and now…

now what…

now do you wanna be touched…

I don’t know…at times…yes…very much…then…nothing…just…nothing…

i see..

no…you…

what…

you talk this language…these words I’m not used to…never heard before…wanted to…just never happened…

what kind of words…

caring words…words like…

love…

yes…it’s not what I want…no…I don’t know…sometimes…maybe…why…

why what…

why do you love me…how can you say you know me…I don’t even know myself…thought I did at one time…long time ago… wasn’t me…wasn’t…turned-out ta’ be this imagined…made-up sense of self…what I thought he’d want…

yea…i’ve done that…lived that way…

and…turned out…he didn’t want that made-up me neither…

played parts…different roles…

I did what I thought was needed…

needed…

to keep me and him together…

all that…

yea…

and…

now…I don’t know who I am…scared…very scared of finding-out…

finding…

secrets…really dark secrets…somethin’ I’ve kept covered…then…

exposed…told…

yea…told…

there’s people…they go through this life…their whole time on earth living in fear…a constant hiding behind things…

like what…

everything…specific things…food…sex…booze…drugs…abuse…giving too much…holding their cards…everything bottled-up…never getting to any kind of truth…a life of fabrication…jumping from one scene to the next…but…it’s always the same story…cutting themselves off from truth…

Goddamn you…Goddamn you…

yes…Goddamn me…how dare i…you think this is all about you…i don’t have any of these untruths…there’s  nothing i hide…

didn’t say that…did not say that…just different…

no…trust me…it is not…we’re both damaged…

damaged…

yep…someone…something…long time ago kicked the boxes and damaged all the goods inside…and no-one… not one single person has opened these boxes to fix the broken parts…

stop…

not moms…sisters…brothers…friends..lovers…preachers…and not ourselves…these busted contents remain sealed with duct tape and calloused skin…

yes…

yes…i wanna take things out of these boxes…look at them…really look at them… try to fix all this…this…stuff…

not ready for that…can’t…

i know…i know…

what can I do…

you can always talk…always…i will listen…

shhh..listen…just…listen…

say it…

have your attention…yes…

…yes…go-on now…

these things are not done hastily…

things…

yes…matters…these matters…

I see…

lots of thought goes into…

these matters…yes…get to it…

wait…

what…

…forget it…yes…this can wait…can wait…

for what…for what…things…matters…

yes…yes…can wait.. 

sure…this awaits…

…yes…

it better be good…

shhh…listen…just… listen…

saw ’em..

did…

where..

bar…sat there holdin’ court all-night..talkin’ ’bout some woman he…

I get it..

was always that way…right..

right…some-things…some-guys…can’t change ’em…

‘member the time he got into it with that one dude…the one who…

I remember…all-over some broad…always over some chick…that wasn’t the only time…

no…wasn’t…’bout every weekend…had ta’ flex his muscles…show us all what he had…

never impressed…not a bit…

me neither… posin’…pissin’ in the wind… talk…never fist-ta’-cuffs…just talk…

yea..

saw ’em uh..

yea…

when’d he get back..

don’t think he ever left…

no…

don’t think so…been hidin’ all this time…

or jail…

yea…could be…

shake hands…

hell no…

think’ll you’ll ever see that money…

ain’t countin’ on it…let it go…tear ya’ up if ya’ don’t…

s’not right…just not right…

he never was…

sat alone…

among many…so many…

those with hidden agendas and without…some search…nothing found…keep looking…

young couples out on sensitivity patrol…policing language and actions…here they come…shhhh…nothing negative please…

suits and ties hurrying…always a hurry…don’t tell them no…they’ll find a way…nets have been cast…calls made…we’re all bought and sold…all bought and sold…

insanity asking the impossible…heal me…end this…a reasonable request…go back to talking to yourself…never stop listening…

bums asking for a buck…

moms pushing $2000 strollers…

kids peeling away candy-bar wrappers…revealing a moment’s joy…good…good…

sat alone…

among many…so many…

walkers…cellular talkers…joggers…people pushing wheel-chairs with elderly legs covered in stitched blankets of loved one’s…loved-one’s…

what would love cost…

here…i gotta buck…is that enough…how ’bout a soul…i’ll spare that too…

sat alone…

among many…so many….

and this man did good things…good things…kindness…suttle gestures…nothing grandiose…flew under radar…wings never clipped…on-track always…this was the mission…purpose…

a family kept in check…food on a table…prayers at night…PTA meetings attended…a swat when needed…nothing more…always on cue…

one night though i heard the old Chevy start-up…put into gear…gravel driven through…separated…saw him pulling out backwards from a fogged-up window…he was gone..gone…

didn’t go to his job in the moon’s glow along the highway…did not stop by the bar for talk of old times and flirts with waitresses…wasn’t seen at the diner that morn…magically disappeared…vaporized into air along with prayers and PTA meetings and kindness and…and…all that never was…

mom sat by a phone in the kitchen for weeks…didn’t eat…didn’t cry…just sat there staring at this yellow handle with a cord attached…

I think he’s gone for good this time, i heard her mumble, What’d I do…what’d I do…my fault…all my fault…

would walk over to her and rub these loose rings of skin ’round her shoulders…,Don’t, she’d say, Don’t…go to bed baby…just go to bed…momma’ll be alright …

phone never rang…she never got out of that seat… i never left.. stayed with her…sat for hours in silence…drinking coffee with cheap half an’ half from a carton with Elsie on it…

how strange….how strange…and God does not want us to suffer…

there wasn’t time…

you couldn’t…

nope…not…

you wouldn’t…why…

said no…

O.K. …then what…

wait…we wait…you gotta…

no…no I don’t…just tired…

of this…this…who isn’t…you think this is…

no…not what I said…

it might as well…

not at all…that’s on you…

how so…

you make these rules…these guidelines…

not true…that is not true…

then who…who…

I can assure you…

of what…what…

it is not me…not…

stop…just stop…

an explanation is…

no…please…’st…enough…

let me tell…

I said…enough…now I have listened…to this…and what…nothing…nothing is what I’ve heard…

and…

and…and …do you mind…do..you..mind…

go ‘head…

finished…

no…please…you were…

done…I’m done…

nothing to say…nothing…not a word…

nothing…this is not easy…

no…it is not…